Well, Russia is in the news, to say the least. While the situation in Ukraine couldn’t be more serious, we believe there is always room for a few laughs. Even if you are one of Russia’s neighbors:
Russian Jokes: ‘Meanwhile in Russia’
Russia is making worldwide news. Meanwhile in Russia…:
Reagan Shares Funny Russian Jokes (208,000 Likes on YouTube)
Back in the eighties, US President Ronal Reagan delivered a few hilarious jokes about Russia (Which he did not share with Gorbatchev, as he specifies):
Russian Military Jokes and Memes
Putin heard that many Russian soldiers are getting sick in Ukraine, so he sends a health inspector to join the Russian army to improve its sanitary conditions. The inspector asks a general:
“How do you prepare drinking water?”
“First, we filter it. Then we boil it.”
“And after that?”
“Well… just to be cautious, we just drink vodka.”
Russia launched a new app to find and stop pirated movies. It is called Nyetflix.
Most people around the world make fun of Putin’s army and its inability to defeat Ukraine’s troops:
The Russian army’s mastery of weapons and camouflage vehicles is indeed not the best, as shown on the two examples below:
Russians are trying to withdraw their money from the bank
As a result of the war in Ukraine and the international response, the Russian ruble is losing value fast, and Russians as starting to resent Putin’s actions. Here is a good Putin joke about this:
A man is waiting in line for several hours at his local bank to try to withdraw his money. He loses patience, and, furiously, ends up screaming “This was a stupid war. I’m going to go and kill Putin because he’s done all of this.”
He goes to the Kremlin, fuming.
A few minutes later, he is back in line at the bank.
“Hey you came back” says another person waiting in line “what happened?”
“The line at the Kremlin is even longer than this one…”
Putin Suffered a Heart Attack During the Ukraine War:
He went into a coma for several years:
“65% of people in the United States are not able to locate Ukraine on a map. They are really ahead of their time.”
Putin, Zelensky and Biden are all in a hot air balloon
Unfortunately, the balloon is starting to lose altitude fast and all 3 realize that they need to lose weight. Putin throws out a bottle of vodka: “We have too much vodka in Russia anyway.”
Biden throws out an AK-47 and says “We have too many weapons in the United States anyway.”
Zelensky throws out Putin and says “We have too much of that in Ukraine anyway.” But the balloon crashes anyway due to the massive weight of Zelensky’s balls.
(Alternative joke: Ukraine has lost its biggest warship. Zelensky visited them and sank the ship because of the weight of his massive balls.”)
Russian Political Jokes
Putin likes to send his political opponents, dissidents, and generally people that bother him, to the goulag, or to their graves:
“You can criticize Putin as much as you want… But very few people are actually able to run two countries at once”
When Russia announced it had introduced a new vaccine… which no one was really willing to take.
The Best Text Jokes about Russia
Some of the best Putin Jokes are simple short text jokes:
- Where do Russians get their milk? From Mos-cows.
- What do you call a Russian wedding? A Soviet Union.
- What are the Russians peoples’ favorite dessert? Rice Putin.
- What’s the oldest form of Russian humor? Tsarcasm.
- Vladimir Putin walks up to a customs agent at the airport after landing in a foreign country. Agent asks: Name? Putin says: Vladimir. The agent asks: Occupation? Putin responds: No, I’m only visiting this country.
- Changing the time zones. Russia is the country in the world with the most different time zones (11), stretching from Europe to China. Putin’s assistant gets frustrated with all these time zones and suggests Putin to put an end to them. He shares with Putin:
– I am really getting lost between all these time zones… and it’s causing problems. Last week, I flew from Moscow to a city in East Russia, called my family and woke everyone up by accident because of the time difference. I also call Macron (French president) to wish him a happy birthday and he told me it was the day before.
I call the Chinese President to wish him a happy new year, and he said it’s not until the next day.
– Well, says Putin, these are not big problems… it is worth really changing all these time zones?
– Sure. But when the Polish president died in a plane crash, I called the Polish Prime Minister to share my condolences… but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!
- I’ve just realized my new boyfriend is a communist. I should have paid attention to all the red flags on the first date.
- What is Ukraine’s biggest import? The Russian military.
- What is the most popular band in Chernobyl? Fall Out Boy.
- What do you call a Russian fish? A Czar-dine.
- In Russia, you don’t vote for President Putin. President Putin votes for you.
- Why did it take the US military so long to assist Ukraine? We were Biden our time.
- I hate these Russian nesting dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
- Why do Russians only write in lowercase letters? They hate Capitalism.
- I have a friend who is a Russian sound technician. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
- 5 out 6 Russian doctors agree that Russian Roulette is safe to play.
- Did you hear about the Wasp who was a Russian spy? He was a Cagey B agent.
- I met a Russian UBER driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov.
- My friend was a great Russian Roulette player. He’s only lost once.
- What’s the best thing to use a Russian laptop for? ComPutin.
- Do Russians only use rods when they go fishing? No, nyet.
- Why are Russian Catholics so rare? Because they’re unorthodox.
- Did you hear about the man that got turned into a Chevy? He goes by Vlad the Impala these days.
- Did you know Cardi B has a cousin who’s a Russian spy? Her name’s Kaygee B.
- Why did the Russian gymnasts’ human pyramid fall over? They didn’t have Oleg to stand on.
- An experiment conducted by Russian Scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals surprising information. Nobody actually reads Russian names.
- What’s the difference between the Russian government and a vacuum cleaner? There’s only one dirtbag in the vacuum.
- Why don’t Russian spies go to the White House when they search for American intelligence? Because they always leave empty handed.
- What’s the difference between a Russian sauna and a joke website? One is full of male steam, the other is full of stale memes.
- Why is the inventor of Russian Roulette considered a genius? Because his idea was mind blowing.
- Why are Donald Trump’s ties so long? Because his ties go all the way to Russia.
- I saw Putin sharing a few jokes. I didn’t care for his jokes, but I liked his execution.
- Two Russian prisoners were sitting in a gulag. The first one asks: How long do you have? The second replies: “Ten years”. “For what?” the first one asks. “For nothing!” the second responds. “You liar!” the first exclaims: “For nothing they only give you 5 years.”
- A Russian man goes to the USA for an eye check up. The Doctors shows an eye chart that reads: CZWXNQSTAZKY. The Doctor asks: Can you read this? The Russian man replies: Not only can I read it. I even know the guy, he’s my cousin.
- A Russian runs into a bar. Quick! Quickly! He yells at the bartender. A vodka before it starts! The bartender quickly pours him a shot of vodka which the Russian drinks in one gulp. Another! Fast before it starts… The bartender gives him another one which the Russian drinks immediately. Hurry, hurry another one before it starts… The bartender asks “how are you going to pay for these?” The Russian throws up his hands and says “ahhhh now it starts!”
- There once was a pessimist and an optimist. The pessimist was drinking cognac, and said, ‘This smells like bed bugs!’ The optimist grabbed a bedbug from the wall, sniffed it and said, ‘Well, doesn’t this smell a bit like cognac!’
- What’s better: Russian jokes or Irish jokes? Russian jokes. Irish jokes are usually O’ffensive.
- A russian man walked into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. One vodka for me, and one for the road.
- Russian Math teacher: If I have 5 bottles of vodka in one arm, and six bottles of vodka in the other. What do I have? Russian Student: A drinking problem.
- Russian doctor: Ma’am, due to your declining health, I would advise you to no longer touch anything alcoholic. Woman: I guess I’ll have to get a divorce.
- Two Russian aristocrats walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
- Vodka isn’t always the solution to your problems. But it’s worth a shot.
- A Russian child found a lost bottle full of vodka on the playground. He raced it over to the police station and promised the boy they would get to the bottom of it.
- A Russian polar bears walks into a bar. He sits down and says: “I’d like a gin and……. Tonic, please.” The bartender asks: “Why the long pause?” The Polar bear holds up his hands and says: “They’re not that long are they?”
- I’m starting the all-Vodka diet. So far I’ve lost 3 days this week.
- When life throws you lemons, add Vodka.
- A Russian family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up. “This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man. “You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son. “Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”
- Did you know you can bathe pigs with vodka? It is Absolut Hogwash.
- What would you call a pissed off shot of vodka? Mean spirited.
- The ghost of Vladimir Lenin floats into a bar. “One vodka please!” The bartender responds, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”
- A Russian man told his British wife that sometimes he loves his vodka and tomato juice more than her. Angrily, she responded: “If that’s the case, why don’t you bloody mary it?”
- A man walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of vodka. “Woah take it easy there buddy, we’re open all night”, says the bartender “You’d be drinking like this too if you had what I’ve got” “Ah I’m sorry to hear that, I wasn’t trying to be insensitive. What do you have, if you don’t mind my asking” “One ruble.”
- In Russia, a screwdriver isn’t orange juice with vodka. It’s Vodka with orange juice.
- On his first trip to America, Vladimir stopped at a McDonald’s. “One vodka please!” The cashier behind the counter said: “Sir, this is a McDonald’s.” Vladimir replied: “Oh sorry, one McVodka please!”
- Donal Trump is like an expensive bottle of vodka. Expensive, made of potatoes, and wouldn’t be here if not for Russia.
- How do you fix a broken bottle of vodka? You turn it smirnon and smirnoff again.
- A Russian man walked out of a bar to smoke. He sees a shot on vodka on the roof. He taps another man on the shoulder and asks: “What’s that shot of vodka doing up there?” The man replies: “Oh. That one’s on the house.”
- Vodka isn’t just a liquid. It’s a solution!
- Why is Russian vodka so clear? It’s so Russians can tell it isn’t tap water.
- A woman asked her husband: What forces you to drink vodka every day? The husband replied: Nobody forces me, I volunteer.
- A Russian cop pulls over a man for suspected drunk driving. “Blow into this tube please so I can detect if you’ve drunk anything today.” The man blows and the results come up negative. The cop says: “This stupid thing must be broken”. The cop blows into himself- DING! POSITIVE. “No, I guess it is working
- A Russian man walks up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot. The bartender asks, “Straight?” The man says: “We’ll see how I feel after this shot.”
Finally, Some Russians Keep a Great Sense of Humor
Some manage to keep a good sense of humor despite the whole situation: