It’s time we took a good long and probing look at this medical procedure that doesn’t get enough attention… the dreaded colonoscopy. Sure, people are more than willing to post Tik Tok videos of themselves twerking in the automotive aisle of Walmart, but suddenly everyone goes all timid when it comes to getting a colonoscopy.
Few people feel comfortable diving deeper into glutes… unless it’s been after a night of binge drinking, there’s nothing good on Netflix and you suddenly find yourself in a compromising position. In any event, it’s time to grow up and embrace this important examination.
At the same time, it’s long overdue that we give high or rather low praise for proctologists. They don’t mind being the butt of jokes. These cheeky doctors have heard it all and from their angle, they’ve seen it all too! They’re not all from Australia, but they certainly know what it’s like to be down under. They studied hard and for them it’s respectable to end up at the bottom of your class!
Getting a colonoscopy can save your life or in some instances land you a hot date with a doctor, nurse, orderly or even hospital janitor, but that’s a story for another time! Take a seat or two (depending on the junk in your trunk) and enjoy these hysterically funny colonoscopy jokes and memes!
Best Colonoscopy Jokes
***Next Time Don’t Be Late!***
Husband comes home in a bad mood after seeing the doctor.
Wife: How did your gastroscopy appointment go? I told you that they just put the camera down your throat and it wouldn’t be so bad.
Husband: Well, there were 3 other guys there to have a colonoscopy.
Wife: But why do you look so mad?
Husband: The doctor made me go last!
I was happy that my colonoscopy was as easy as it was. I’m still confused how the doctor did it while both of his hands were on my shoulders!
**Can You At Least Buy Me Dinner?!***
Husband comes home after getting a colonoscopy.
Wife: How did everything go?
Husband: Doctor said it went fantastically well.
Wife: What happened?
Husband: I’m still groggy, but I remember he put his left hand on my shoulder and the right hand on my butt. Then, both hands were holding my shoulders while he did the procedure…That S.O.B.!
When updating his patient’s chart, the proctologist realized he had his rectal thermometer in his pocket instead of his pen. He called his nurse and said, “Can you check on our patient, he may have something of mine.”
A boyfriend and girlfriend go to bed and the boyfriend feels frisky. The girlfriend explains that she would like to have some fun, but she wants to be as fresh as possible for the gynecologist appointment in the morning. The boyfriend says he understands and then with a grin asks, “Your colonoscopy is not until next week, right?” 😲😲
How can you tell that your manager has the qualities of both proctologists and podiatrists? If they always have their foot in someone’s @ss!
Why are proctologists like ground floor elevators? They always work from the bottom up.
Why was the woman nervous while the getting a colonoscopy? Because the doctor kept his hands on her waist during the entire probe.
***Peek a Poo, Eye See You!***
A man had a silly practice of taking out his false eye and cleaning it by swishing it around in his mouth. One day the eye accidentally slips down his throat. The man goes to a proctologist and nervously explains he is “clogged”. The doctor uses a sigmoidoscope to find the obstruction and within a couple of minutes screams, “Whoa!” The man asks, “What’s wrong?” The doctor says, “At times when I saw a woman with a nice butt, I would wink, but this is the first time a butt has winked at me!”
One day a man was on the highway when he saw that the car ahead of him and a sign in the window stating “I’m a Veterinarian and I drive like an animal.” It was at that same time he understood why the roads must also be full of gynecologists and proctologists.
Husband: Well honey, my colonoscopy is done.
Wife: Doctor, did you find it?
Doctor: Find what?
Wife: His head!
A man is having a colonoscopy and asks the doctor if he has gone too far. The doctor asks what does the man mean. The man says, “Why is the tube tickling my nostrils?”
A man was telling the attractive doctor that he felt something deeper than he’s ever felt with someone else. She says, “Yes, your colonoscopy was a success!”
A proctologist is racing down the highway way over the speed limit when he’s pulled over.
Police: Any idea how fast you were driving?
Proctologist: I’m sorry officer, I’m a proctologist and my richest patient is waiting for me to come and stretch his a**hole to be 6 feet.
Police: For Pete’s sake, what good is a 6 foot a**hole?
Doctor: No good. Usually they’re hiding on some highway waiting to fine speeders.
***A Perfect Match***
A psychiatrist and proctologist decided open an office together. Their sign on the outside read “Odds and Ends”. One day they mused about their prior top 10 signs which had been rejected by the local business association:
1. Hysterias and Posteriors
2. Schizoids and Hemorrhoids
3. Catatonics and High Colonics
4. Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives
5. Minds and Behinds
6. Lost Souls and Butt Holes
7. Analysis and Anal Cysts
8. Nuts and Butts
9. Freaks and Cheeks
10. Loons and Moons
When I went for my colonoscopy appointment, I asked the nurse what sort of mood the doctor was in. She said, “Not good. He’s had to face a**holes all day!”
Why do patients complain about the cost of having a colonoscopy? Because they always “end up” spending a buttload of money.
What made the doctor decide to become a gastroenterologist? The hospital told him there was an opening.
Every other year, I hire a professional to drug me, put something in my bum and video the “hole” experience. Unfortunately, I wasn’t in Vegas or Amsterdam, it was just my regular colonoscopy!
What did the astronaut’s doctor tell him? It’s time to book your colonoscopy so that we can explore Uranus!
Wife: How was your appointment?
Husband: I punched the eye doctor when he put the camera up my butt!
Wife: You idiot, you’ve mixed your appointments again. That was your colonoscopy! Your eye appt is tomorrow!
You may not be able to pull money from your a** but if you become a proctologist you can certainly get money from pulling other things from peoples’ asses!
Doctor: “Such an a**hole!”
Patient: “Maybe I am doctor”, he said drowsily. “But shouldn’t you wait to say or do anything until the anesthesia kicks in?
A proctologist decided to clean homes on the side. He called his new business “Mops & Bottoms.”
What did the medical school recruiter say when he went to the camera store to recruit prospective colonoscopy students? Enjoy photography? We’ve got a job made just for you!
**If I could only pull out I At Least Get Dinner First?!***
My colonoscopy went off without a hitch even though the doctor called it a big sh*t show!
What was the name of the famous proctologist from Dublin? Dr. Colin O’Scopy.
Why is having a colonoscopy similar to reading a book? If you’ve arrive to the appendix, you’ve reached the end.
Why didn’t voters have faith in the politician before his colonoscopy? Because he was full of sh*t!
A proctologist loses his wrist watch and a week later still has no idea in which patient he has lost it. His nurse suggests that he reviews his recent cases. His next patient shows up for a follow up appointment. The nurse says that this man most likely has the watch. The doctor asks how can she be sure. She replies, “His ass never arrives on time.”
***From Rears To Gears***
After many years of being a proctologist, Stephen decides to become a car mechanic which had always been his passion. He goes to a trade school for 2 years and then takes the final exam which has students dissambling and then reassembling a car engine. The students can use as much time as they need. After 30 hours, Stephen is finished. A week later he meets with his teacher to learn how he did.
Teacher: I’m proud to tell you that you have earned a score of 300 on the exam!
Stephen: Wow, but I thought that 200 was the highest score possible.
Teacher: You earned 100 points for a perfect disassembly and another 100 points for a perfect reassembly.
Stephen: That’s great, but what about the other 100 points?
Teacher: I gave you a well deserved 100 extra credit points for doing it all via the tailpipe!
A 90 year old lady has her first ever appointment with a proctologist. The doctor finishes the examination and explains the results. Then then asks, “Mrs. Thomas, do you have any questions I can answer?” She looks at him with a stern face and says, “Do your parents have any idea what you for a living?”
I’ve been having some gastro intestinal issues so I have an appointment tomorrow for a colonoscopy. I’m sure the doctor will get to the bottom of it!
***Colonoscopies aka Medicinal Booty Calls***
I got one of those at-home colonoscopy tests. The results were really hard to swallow.
For weeks, I kept telling Susan she needed to get a colonoscopy. She didn’t believe me, but sooner or later she’ll get it in the end.
Following my grammar teacher’s colonoscopy, his doctor removed part of the colon. Apparently he now has a semi-colon.
The patient was giving her doctor directions. “A few inches to the right and then it’s straight ahead.” The doctor bluntly said, “Thanks, Mrs. Wilson I know how to understand the screen. Besides, I come from a long line of doctors dating back to the Mayflower. He says amusingly, “This is not my first “colonyscopy!””
My doctor said that she had difficulty seeing the images from my colonoscopy. I told her it’s normal, I’ve always been camera shy.
Why was did the colonoscopy camera look so shabby? Because every day it experienced a ton of sh*t!
As a chain smoker, my doctor pleaded for me to schedule a colonoscopy immediately. He said no ifs, ands or butts!
Why did the man sue his shaky handed doctor for malpractice following his colonoscopy? He rectum.
Husband: The doctor canceled my colonoscopy.
Husband: She said that the prep work I did before wasn’t good enough and I’m still full of sh*t.
Wife: You needed all that wasted time and medication for a doctor to tell you that?!
Why is a Baptist Sunday Service like getting a colonoscopy? When each is over, everyone ends up with a sore ass.
The golfer decided to invest in a colonoscopy clinic. They do 20 holes a day!
The woman asked her doctor if a colonoscopy would hurt. He told her that process itself would be a breeze, it’s the prep work that is a real pain in the butt.
I missed colonoscopy appointment this afternoon, butt don’t worry; it’s rescheduled for tomorrow.
What happened when the doctor gave the patient a compassionate speech about getting a colonoscopy? It made the patient feel something deep down.
How do you know when you to replace the camera used for a colonoscopy. When the images began to look like crap.
Why is getting a colonoscopy like the film “There’s Something About Mary? Both have a Cameron Diaz. (Both have a “Cam on the Ass”)
**Pay Your Bills! Don’t Get Behind!***
What did the embarrassed orchestra conductor say to the doctor when he arrived for the colonoscopy? I forgot how many movements I had.
***Colonoscopy: Yours, Mine and Arse!***
During his colonoscopy, the doctor went over every single detail with the patient. Now that’s an in-depth ANALsis!
After the nurse said everything that happens during a colonoscopy, I felt he was sh*tting me!
Wife: The doctor said my colonoscopy passed. Husband: No honey, he said that you passed was gas!
A colonoscopy is the most efficient way proctologists get the bottom of any health concerns.
Doctors say people should get a colonoscopy every few years even though some consider it to be a buttload of tests.
My doctor gave me positive news about my colonoscopy. He said there’s negative sh*t in my life.
What can you do if you can’t afford to have a colonoscopy? Head to the airport and tell them you’ve swallowed explosives.
What kind of camera did the proctologist ask for Christmas. A GoProbe.
***Can You Say Ouch?!***
What movie character do you never want to get a colonoscopy from? Edward Scissorhands!
***I’m Her Poo Bear!***
A man first met his future wife when she assisted in his colonoscopy. When she removed the tube, she slapped his bum and said, “I see that you really liked that!” The man thought, “I feel empty without her!”
Why didn’t the gynecologist want to associate with the proctologist? No idea. They used to be friends, but now they’re enemas.
How did the proctologist toast the newly married couple? He told them, “Bottoms up!”
After my colonoscopy I went home and proudly exclaimed to my girlfriend that the doctor confirmed that she wasn’t correct. My head wasn’t up there!
In the middle of my colonoscopy, my doctor sounded the alarm. He found my clock!
Getting a colonoscopy is not pain, but the next day you may feel a bit crappy.
I’ve always been too embarrassed to visit a proctologist. Friends starting calling me a sh*thead so I went and got a colonoscopy and proved them wrong!
When people doubt that I have inner beauty, I pull out the video of my colonoscopy and make them watch it!
Yo mama so stupid that she didn’t know if she was getting a colonoscopy or getting laid.
What did the german shepherd say to his owner after the colonoscopy? Rough!
A man warns his doctor before the colonoscopy that his bottom is sore. “The entrance of my butt hurts a lot,” the man complains. The doctor responds: Well, it’s a sensitive area, and it sure is going to hurt if you continue thinking about it as “an entrance”.
At the start of the colonoscopy, the patient was a bit shy, and only moved their pants down a bit, not revealing their entire bottom. The proctologist warned “To do this, I will really need to see your butt (w)hole.”
During a colonoscopy, the patient said “Doctor, your ring is hurting me inside, can you remove it before you go any further?”. The proctologist answers: “Well, I have already removed my ring… oh you mean my Rolex!”
During their first anatomy class, proctology students were taught by the professor that being observant and not being disgusted by anything involving the human body are two essential qualities for a proctologist. To demonstrate, the professor inserted his finger into a corpse’s bottom, withdrew it, and then put his finger in his mouth. He then instructed the students to do the same. Disgusted and hesitant, the students eventually took turns inserting a finger into their mouth just like the professor did. The professor then told them: “As I’ve just mentioned, the second most important quality for a doctor is to be observant and pay attention to even the smallest details. I stuck my middle finger in – but I sucked on my index finger. ”