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130 Best Dirty Jokes of All-Time [2023 Update]

Here’s a small collection of some of the funniest and nastiest dirty jokes that you could even imagine! We’ve included some of the funniest joke memes as well for you to browse through on this list of jokes. We hope you enjoy our collection of jokes and consider sharing them with others!

Do you want to hear a joke about a v*gina? Nevermind. You would never get it!

What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!

69% of people find something dirty in every paragraph that they read

A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon. The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. He asks the female whale “let’s both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.” They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks. However, the seamen from the boat manage to swim away, almost reaching the shore. The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, asked the female whale “Let’s catch them and just eat them up.” But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in: “Look, I did the blow job just like you asked, but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.

Making love is like a burrito, don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.

Life is like a pen*s: women make it hard for no reason.

A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”

This may seem corny, but you make me really horny.

kinky meme with black swan mirror

Wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”
Husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”

My mom thinks I’m gay, can anybody help me prove that she is wrong?

You have a nice butt, but I think it would be nicer if it was on my lap.

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!

Which is easier? Getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?

kinky meme with zootopia characters

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Congratulations! You’ve been voted “Most Beautiful Girl In This Room” and the grand prize is a night with me!

With a great penis, comes great responsibility. If only men knew that…

Two different fish swim into a wall… One turns to the other and says, “Dam!

Love is like a broken machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

Please tell your boobs to stop staring at me. Do it now.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari right now.

Are you a sea lion? Because I want to see u lying in my bed later!

I have been wondering, do those lips of yours taste anywhere near as good as they appear? Probably not.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A really wet nose.

What is 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and makes women go crazy? A $100 bill.

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman? A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs. The woman is left behind without any interaction at all.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Bubble Gum!

Want to hear a joke about my penis? Nevermind. It’s too long & you don’t have all day to admire the joke.

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How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

What could you call someone who claims that they don’t masturbate? A big fat liar.

What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? “It’s not what it looks like!”

Why is masturbation just like procrastination? It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.

Why can’t I spot any blind men on a nudist beach? It’s usually not hard at all!

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”

What kind of bees produce milk for a living? Boo-bees.

Why are the saggy boobs angry? Because they never get any support from anything.

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What do clowns get turned on by? Balloon blow-up dolls.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.

What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Call the engine shop for a replacement.

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

How do you make your bae scream during intercourse? Call and let them hear it.

What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off!

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.

What did the elephant ask the naked man? How do you breathe out of that thing?

How did you quit smoking? I decided to smoke only after making love.

What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine!

What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

What are the three shortest words in the English language? Is it in?

What do you do when your cat passed away? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken is sold separately.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A man.

It’s a sunny day at the pond. What does the frog say today? “Rub it”.

Knock, Knock! Who’s There? Dewey! Dewey who? Dewey see a condom? It’s dark in here!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? (teasing voice) Who would you like it to be?

“I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day.”

“Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

What’s the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in at all, but it’s really a shame to pull it out once you’ve started. Ask god if shame cancels out a sin.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father getting intimate with the nanny. Seconds later he darts off, never to be seen again.

A screwdriver gets into a limousine and says to the driver, “Screw you!”

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a good year. The other is a great year.

What’s the difference between the sound of ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’? About four inches.

What’s the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? “I get really hot with you inside me.”

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets to use it.

What comes after 69? A gallon of mouthwash.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? A piece of gum!

What does the female receptionist say at the sperm bank? Thanks for coming here today!

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without kids.

What did the clitoris say to the vulva? It’s all good in the hood!

What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? It’s not what it looks like!
Do you like sales? Because clothing is 100% off at my place.
‘You’re cute’ has U in it, but ‘quickie’ has U and I together.

Do you do carpeting? Because I’m looking for a deep shag.

Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.

You’re so hot that even the zipper on my pants is falling for you.

They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation to see if it’s true?

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

I love my bed, but let’s try yours.

Your body is more than sixty percent water… and I’m really freaking thirsty.

I lost my car keys… I think they fell into your pants!

Do I have to provide my signature for your package? If so, consider it done!

Are you an elevator? Because don’t mind going up and down with you all day long.

Roses are red. Violets are fine. You can be the six. I’ll be the nine.

I wish you were my big toe. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house.

Are you a campfire? Because you’re hot and I want s’more.

I hope you identify as a trampoline because I want to bounce on you.

Let only latex stand between our love, if you know what I mean!

My day job is not usually being a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight.

Let’s play a game known as ‘carpenter’! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

Masturbation almost always leads to more. It’s basically a gateway tug.

According to a recent poll, sixty-nine percent of people find something dirty in every single sentence.

My girlfriend tried to get me excited on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused. If I’m going to do this, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

How many Bitcoin maxis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? “That’s not funny!” – Bitcoin maxis (Elon Musk)

I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.

Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere.

Why do vegans give better heads? They’re used to eating nuts.

“I blame my mother for my poor life in the bedroom. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” (Joan Rivers)

Why would a mermaid wear seashells? Because she probably outgrew her B-shells!

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Welcome to the Sensual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.

Why is making love like mathematics? You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying involved.

They say that during sensual bedtime activities, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous s*x drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

Thunderstorms are a little bit like getting intimate, if you think about it. You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last.

How is playing bridge similar to hooking up? If you don’t have a good partner, you will really need to have a good hand.

How is life like a man’s dick? It sometimes gets hard when you don’t expect it.

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to making love, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a really big bang.

“Want to know why women don’t blink before foreplay? The man doesn’t last long enough.”

Why do mice have such small balls? Because only a few mice know how to dance.

I’m not sure how I feel about masturbation, but on the one hand, it feels pretty great!

How is s*x like a game of bridge? With a great hand, you don’t even need a partner to play with!

Why is masturbation just like procrastination? It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.

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