If you’re looking to add some spice to your conversation with your man, then you’ve come to the right place! We’ve got a list of dirty jokes that any girl can tell a guy. And trust us, they’re not for the faint of heart. Whether you’re looking to make your guy friend (or boyfriend!) blush, giggle, or just downright uncomfortable, we’ve got you covered.
Also, make sure to reach the bottom of the page where you’ll find dirty – but funny – pickup lines that are sure to get a guy interested in you in all sorts of ways. Plus, a few hilarious texts that could just be a bit too silly or awkward to tell in person.
So buckle up and get ready for some raunchy one-liners and cheeky puns that will leave you in stitches (and maybe a little hot under the collar). But, be warned, this is not for reading out loud in front of your boss or grandma!
What does a receptionist at a sp*rm bank say as you’re leaving?
“Thanks for coming and please come again!”
With a big smile on her face, Emma ran home and told her mom about how she made $15 by simply climbing up a tree. Her mom responded, “Emma, they made you do that just so they could see your panties!” Emma replied, “I know, mom, I’m not dumb. That’s why I took them off!”
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken comes in a different box.
What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and always gets you what you want?
A hundred-dollar bill.
Two h00kers are ready to start their nights.
One of them smiles and says, “I can already tell this is gonna be a great night, I can smell d1ck in the air!”
The other one looks at her and says, “No, no, I just burped.”
What always happens when Snow White lies in her bed, feeling happy?
Happy eventually gets out, so she starts feeling Grumpy.
The teacher starts, “Okay class, today we’re going to learn about multisyllabic words. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllabic word?” Amanda quickly raises her hand, “Me, Miss Jones! Please, me, me!” Miss Jones says, “Alright, Amanda, what multisyllabic word do you have in mind?” Amanda says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Jones smiles and says, “Wow, Amanda, that’s a mouthful.” Amanda replies, “No, Miss Jones, you’re thinking of a bl0w-job.”
Wanna know the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?
Snowballs!
“Give it to me! Give it to me now!” I kept yelling. “I’m so wet, please give it to me!” But no matter how loud I screamed, he just wasn’t going to give me the umbrella.
What should you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down a bit and maybe use some lube.
A penguin’s car breaks down, so he takes it to the shop. The mechanic says it’ll take him about an hour to check it.
Realizing he has some time, the penguin walks to an ice cream shop and orders a big cup of vanilla. Obviously, eating ice cream can be really messy for anyone, but especially for a penguin, who has to use his flippers to handle the tiny spoon. Because of that, the penguin ends up covered with melted ice cream.
And so the penguin returns to the repair shop, the mechanic looks at him and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin quickly replies, “No, it’s just ice cream!”
What is the shortest question with 3 words?
“Is it in?”
What do a penis and a submarine have in common?
Well, they’re both long. They’re both hard. And they’re both full of seamen.
A husband asks his wife, “Why don’t you ever tell me when you’re having an [email protected]?” She replies, “Because you don’t like me calling you when you’re at work.”
What’s the last thing they give Tickle Me Elmo before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles.
How do you make your girlfriend scream when you’re having s*x?
Facetime her and show her what you’re doing.
For the joke/pun on the image below, you may want to know that a “double entendre” is a sentence that has two meanings, one of which is rude or dirty.
What does a Rubik’s Cube have in common with a pen*s?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
What do you call that useless piece of skin on a pen*s?
A man.
What do you call a girl that has never mast*rbated?
A liar.
A father warns his son, “Don’t masturbate anymore, son! If you do it too much, you will go blind.” The son replies, “Dad, you’re talking to the lamp.”
Wanna give me an Australian kiss?
It’s like a French kiss but you go down under.
What do you call a nurse who has scraped knees?
The head nurse.
What did Pinocchio’s girlfriend say when he was going down on her?
“Lie to me! Lie to me!”
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches your watch, a peeping Tom watches your snatch.
What’s the scariest thing to a horny pirate?
A sunken chest and no b00ty.
A little boy caught his mom and dad making love. After they finished, he runs up to his mom and asks, “What were you and daddy doing?” The mom says, “Umm… we were baking a cake!”
A few days later the little boy runs up to his mom again and asks, “Were you and dad preparing a cake again today?” The mom responds, “Oh, well yes, actually, how did you know?” The boy smiles and answers, “Because I licked the frosting off the pillows!”
What do you do when your cat dies?
You start playing with your neighbor’s pu$$y instead.
What did the horny frog say?
“Rubbit.”
What do you call it when a lesbian c0ck blocks another lesbian?
A beaver dam.
What’s the difference between a Greyhound bus terminal and a shrimp with big b00bs?
One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a fisherman with a lot of experience?
A master baiter.
Wanna know my favorite thing about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with my hoes.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop and ask for directions.
What did the d1ck say to the pu$$y?
“Don’t make me come in there!”
I once had s3x while camping. It was really fu*king in tents.
What comes right after 69?
Listerine.
If a blind girl says you have a big c0ck, she’s probably just pulling your leg.
A man wearing nothing except a hat on his crotch is lying on the beach. A woman walks by him and coyly asks, “Isn’t a gentleman supposed to lift his hat when he sees a lady?”
The man replies, “Believe me, the hat would’ve lifted itself if you looked anything like a lady.”
What can a girl tell her boyfriend to make him feel both happy and sad at the same time?
“You have the biggest dick of all your friends.”
What did the guy say when he was caught j*rking off to an optical illusion?
“It’s not what it looks like!”
A mother is driving behind a garbage truck with her 6-year-old son in the backseat. All of a sudden a dildo flies out of the garbage trucks and hits the windshield of the car. The mother, wanting to spare her little boy’s innocence, quickly turns around and says, “Don’t worry, baby, it was just a bug.” Amazed, the boy replies, “Wow, I can’t believe it was able to get off the ground with such a huge cock!”
I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy asked, “So, are you gonna put it up yourself?” I was like, “No, you perv, it’s gonna go in the living room!”
What’s more romantic than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.
I wonder what my mom and dad did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 14 siblings and none of them knew either.
I once found an origami porn channel. I couldn’t watch it though as it was paper view only.
What do procrastination and masturbation have in common?
They’re both a lot of fun until you remember that you’re only fu*king yourself.
A family enters a hotel and the father walks up to the front desk and jokingly says, “I sure hope the porn is disabled.”
The receptionist scowls and replies, “No, you sick fuck, it’s just regular porn!”
Anyone who was born in September can be sure that their parents started their year with a bang.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
He was caught fingering a minor.
During a discussion about death at Church school, one of the nuns asks: “What do you think The Lord takes us by when we die?” Little Johnny quickly raises his hand and answers: “I think He takes us by our feet.” Intrigued, the nun replies, “That’s very interesting, Little Johnny. What makes you think that?” Little Johnny smiles at her and says, “Because last night I went into my parents’ bedroom and saw my mom’s feet in the air while she was yelling ‘Oh My God, I’m coming!’”
A n*ked man broke into church. The police chased him around for a while before they finally caught him by the organ.
Why do polar bears love Tupperware bowls?
Because they love a tight seal.
I once saw a br0thel that was out of business.
The sign said, “We’re closed, so beat it!”
Wanna know how I embarrassed the arrogant archaeologist?
I gave him a used tampon and asked him which period it was from.
Who’s the most popular guy at the n*dist camp?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen bagels.
Related Post: Dirty Jokes for HER.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
What does the d1ck say to the c0nd0m?
“Cover me, I’m going in.”
What should a man who’s trapped in a woman’s body do?
Pull out.
What’s the hiring process for Hooters?
It’s simple, they hand you a bra and say, “Please fill this out.”
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B-shells.
What did the leper say to the pr0stitute after they finished?
“Keep the tip.”
What did Genie say to Aladdin?
If you rub me three times, I will come.
Why should a woman always go to an old gynecologist instead of a young one?
Because the old one has shaky hands.
What can a woman do to scare her gynecologist?
Become a ventriloquist.
What did the h0rny toaster say to the bread slice?
“I want you inside me right now.”
I used to have a massive s*x drive. My boyfriend lived 57 miles away.
What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
What’s the difference between a stork and a swallow?
One brings babies, the other prevents them.
Scientists have found that there are two things in the air that often cause women to get pregnant.
Their legs.
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
A lightbulb can be unscrewed.
What’s the difference between k1nk and p*rversion?
K1nk is tickling a girl with a feather, p*rversion is using the whole bird.
Wanna hear a joke about my pu$$y?
Actually, never mind, you won’t get it.
Dirty Pick Up Lines That Are Sure to Turn Him ON
Here are some dirty pickup lines a girl can tell a guy. Just keep in mind that you’re definitely going to turn him on if you use any of these lines. Some of these are so obscene that we’d honestly be impressed if you actually decide to use them.
How much did those pants cost you?
Cuz you can get them 100% off at my place.
I wish you were my little toe. Because then I would bang you on every piece of furniture I have.
How do you fit 71 people in a car? 2 in the front and we can 69 in the back.
Do you like Mexican food?
Cuz you’re getting my taco all heated up.
Wanna know the difference between me and a mosquito?
A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.
Are you going to fu*k me tonight or will I have to lie to my diary?
Are you claustrophobic?
Cuz I’ll be sitting on your face tonight.
In my mind, we’re gonna have s*x anyway, so you might as well be there when it happens.
Wanna go to In-N-Out for burgers or just In-N-Out of me?
I’m a mind reader. And yeah, fine, you can fu*k me.
I know rhymes are usually corny, but looking at you is making me horny.
Let’s play Titanic. I’ll be the iceberg while you go down.
Wow, that shirt is very becoming on you.
But then again, I would be too.
Dirty Jokes to Randomly Text a Guy Out of Nowhere
Here are a few humorous jokes that we think are best delivered through text. Why? Because some of them can be a bit awkward to tell in person or require the listener to take a moment to understand before sending those precious LOLs your way.
A new study shows that 69 percent of people always find something dirty in anything you say.
Uncle Jack is stuck on the roof and needs help.
Do you think I should go help my uncle Jack off?
Beer bottle: “You break me, you get a year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “Pfft, break me and you’ll get seven years of bad luck!”
C0nd0m: *Walks out laughing*.
Dear NASA,
Your mom thought I was big enough.
Sincerely, Pluto.
Apparently, the Natural History Museum in London has a female dinosaur that paleontologists believe to have been a lesbian.
Its name is Lickalotopus.
I love you with all my a$$. I would say heart, but my a$$ is a lot bigger.
What do you call a grinning Roman warrior with a strand of hair stuck between his front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her.
I’m not sure what you think of me, but I really hope it’s X-rated.
What’s long, hard yet bendable, and contains the letters P, E, N, I, and S?
Your spine.
When a little person says you hair smells nice. Is that s*xual harassment?