Please take care because this page is meant for adults. You must be at least 18 yrs old (and no, dog years don’t count). We take no responsibility for corrupting the minds of children. That’s a parent’s job.
We’ve put together an incredible collection of jokes and memes sure to elicit comical reactions with adults. Yes, several lines may have been crossed and obscenity laws broken so consider yourself duly warned. If you’re looking for something light, then you better get off the scale. Some of these jokes are rated AAA and a few of our writers have been hauled off for what they have done.
You can use the links below to jump to the type of jokes you want, or simply keep scrolling down.
- Clean jokes for adults
- Naughty or dirty jokes for adults
- Dark jokes for adults
- Knock-knock jokes for adults
- Messed-up jokes
First part: Top 25 clean jokes for adults… because you can be funny without being naughty
** Great joke for adults: the wife that missed the super bowl (30 seconds) **
A man finds his seat at the Super Bowl, but notices that there’s an empty seat between himself and the next guy. “Who in their right mind would miss the Super Bowl?!” The man next to him smiles and says, “Well, actually this was my wife’s seat. She passed away recently, and we had already purchased the tickets.”
The first guy responds, “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss,” but then thinks for a second and adds, “Don’t you think it would have been nice to take one of her family members to the game?”
The man looks ahead and replies, “I would, but they are all at her funeral right now.”
***
** Funny short jokes **
My father always used to say, “In life, one door might close, but another one will open.” He was a great philosopher. But an awful cabinet builder.
***
Sometimes you get a bad reputation just because of your job. It’s not always fair: 90% of lawyers give the other 10% a bad reputation.
***
Angry, a man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. He mutters “These lawyers are jerks… all the same…”.
Sitting not too far, a man in a suit responds “Hey, watch your mouth.”
“Why, you’re a lawyer?”
The man responds: “No, I’m a jerk.”
Jump head to these jokes:
** Great joke for adults: mom is pregnant (30 seconds) **
A few days before Christmas, a mom calls her daughter: “Hey, I know this might come as a shock, but I’m pregnant.”
“How could this happen?” the daughter responds, shocked. “You’re 46! Oh my god, this is horrible.”
“It was an accident,” the mom says. “Please just call your sister and tell her. Have to go!”
The daughter frantically calls her sister who immediately calls her mom: “The two of us are flying home right away. I’m booking the flights now. This is unbelievable!” She hangs up the phone.
The mom pops a bottle of wine, pours two glasses, and turns to her husband: “Honey, the kids are coming home for Christmas. And they are paying for their own plane tickets.”
***
An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a pub with their wives and all order tea.
The Englishman sweetly asks his wife, “Pass the honey, honey.”
Inspired, the Scotsman turns to his wife saying, “Pass the sugar, sugar.”
Not to be outdone, the Irishman glances at his wife and barks, “Pass the milk, you bloody cow!”
***
I asked the director of a psychiatric ward how they know for sure if someone is mentally unstable and needs to be committed. He explained their method: they go to a bathroom and fill a bathtub to the top. They then give the patient a big bucket and a small spoon, and ask them to empty the tub. “Ah,” I replied, “so the normal person chooses the big bucket because it’s larger, right?” The director disagreed: “No, a normal person would simply pull the drain stopper.” And added “By the way, is a room with a garden view ok for you?”
***
A Polish immigrant goes to the optician for an eye exam. The optician pointed to a board with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read this?!” the Polish man replies, “I work with this guy!”
***
A man arrives at the bar, seemingly very upset after a terrible day.
He orders an expensive liquor shot and downs it right away. “One more!”
The bartender serves him again, and again the man downs the shot right away. “One more!”
After five shots, the man reveals: “If you had what I had, you’d be drinking this fast too”.
Worried, the bartender asks what the man has.
The man responds “I’m broke, I only have $2…”
Keep scrolling or jump ahead to:
*** Great joke for adults: old man at the bar (40 seconds) ***
An old man at a bar challenges the bartender with a $20 bet, claiming he can bite his own eye. Intrigued, the bartender accepts. The man removes his glass eye and gently gnaws on it, winning the bet. The bartender, a bit annoyed, pays up.
About 10 minutes later, the man returns with a bigger bet: he bets $100 that he can urinate straight into a shot glass while running around it. Convinced that it’s impossible, the bartender enthusiastically accepts.
The man tries but splashes urine all around, missing the shot glass entirely. Triumphantly, the bartender celebrates his victory. But a man suddenly yells angrily, “Damn it!” When asked about his frustration, he groans, “That guy just bet me $200 that he could pee all over the bar and you’d be thrilled about it.”
*** Biden is now invisible (45 seconds) ***
Joe Biden walks into a bar, but he is mysteriously invisible. The bartender hears him and asks: “Joe, I can hear you, but why can’t I see you?” Biden begins, “You see, I found a dusty oil lamp in my basement. Naturally, I dusted it off, and a genie appeared to grant me 3 wishes.”
“For my 1st wish, I said, ‘I want a very smart, ambitious and friendly wife.” But then the genie gave me Jill, and I realized i forgot to specify that i also wanted my wife to be younger and forever attractive.
“For my second wish, I said ‘I want to serve as the President of the United States.’ Lo and behold, that wish was fulfilled as well.” However, as soon as I started the job, inflation started to skyrocket and Russia attacked Ukraine. I realized i forgot to specify that I wanted to be president in a successful and trouble-free world.”
“Finally,” Biden said with a grin. “For my third wish, I started with: Let me be clear…“
***
A customer walks into a coffee shop and asks the barista for the wifi password.
“You need to buy coffee first,” the barista says.
“Okay, I’ll have an espresso,” the customer says.
After paying, the customer asks, “Can I have the password now?”
The barista replies, “Of course! It’s ‘youneedtobuycoffeefirst’. All lowercase, no spaces.”
Related jokes: the best dirty dad jokes or more clean jokes for adults
***
A Kindergarten class started a lesson on descriptive words. The teacher asked the students to use the word “great” twice in a sentence:
– The first student said, “I had a great time on my great vacation.”
– The second student said, “There are so many great things about this great class.”
– The third student said, “Oh! My daddy does this all the time. He says ‘That’s great, just f**** great.”
*** The Ford Explorer and the Maserati (1 minute) **
Two buddies were boasting about their new rides. One guy had a Ford Explorer while the other flaunted a luxurious Maserati. “This car’s amazing,” the Maserati owner bragged. “It’s got a built-in cooler and TV!” Not to be outdone, the Explorer owner chimed in, “Those are neat features, but guess what? I’ve added a cooler and TV to my Explorer too. And it’s four times cheaper than your Maserati!”
Unwilling to concede defeat, the Maserati owner raised the stakes: “Well, in my Maserati, you can even fold down the backseat and have a comfy bed.” The Explorer owner retorted, “I can do that too! Plus, I keep an inflatable mattress in my trunk, just in case.” Furious, the Maserati driver rushes to the dealership and ask them to outfit the car with the fanciest upgrades.
A couple of days later, he drives to his friend’s house and stops on his friend’s driveway but notices that the windows of the Ford Explorer are all fogged up. He knocks on the car windows and says, “come check out my new electronics”. The Ford Explorer owner slowly opens the window and gives his friend a weird look “Really, you are asking me to get out of my hot tub to check out your car??”
** The wife at the pharmacist (30 seconds) **
A lady goes to the pharmacy and asks for the head pharmacist: “I need something to poison my husband.” Shocked, the pharmacists asks, “What? Why would you say that? You should leave now, or I have no choice but to call the police.”
The lady reaches for her phone and shows the pharmacist a few compromising text messages between her husband and the pharmacist’s wife. You see, I’m sorry to say but my husband cheated on me with your wife.”
“Oh well that’s different,” the pharmacist says. “I did not know that you had a prescription.”
Related post: read the 50 best clean jokes for adults.
Second part: top 20 dirty jokes for adults
Is your mind clean? Not for long! Things are about to get pretty dirty!
My friend got his medical license revoked. All of this is just because she slept with a patient… It’s unfortunate because she was a great veterinarian.
What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!
*** Great joke for adults: whales at sea ***
A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat – the male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. He asks the female whale “let’s both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.” They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks.
However, the seamen from the boat manage to swim away, almost reaching the shore. The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, suggests “Let’s catch and eat them.”
But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in: “Look, I did the blow job just like you asked, but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.
***
Wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”
Husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”
** Great joke for adults: penguin’s car problems 🐧 **
A penguin takes his car to the shop, and decides to get an ice cream while the car is getting repaired. Because he has to use his flippers to hold the spoon, he is having a hard time eating and ends up covered with melted ice cream. When returning to the shop, the mechanic looks at him and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin replies, “No, it is just ice cream!”
***
What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
What’s the difference between your pen*s and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
** Great joke for adults: a man one hole behind **
A man was playing on a new golf course and lost track of what hole he was on. He asked a lady playing ahead of him. She responded: “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re one hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th.”
Later, the same thing happened, and he asked the lady again. She responded: “I’m on the 14th and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
After finishing the course, he saw the lady sitting at the clubhouse. They end up chatting and discussing work. She said she was in sales and he asked what she sold.
“I’m scared you’ll laugh,” she hesitated, but the man promised he would NOT laugh.
“I sell tampons”, she said.
The man burst into laughter.
“See!” she yelled.
He replied ” No it’s not that! I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? “Please come again”
*** The Older the Smarter ***
An old couple in their 70s visited a s*x therapist. The man asked if she could watch them have intercourse, and she agreed. Afterward, the therapist said everything was normal and the couple was actually doing great considering their age. The couple seems happy and leaves after the man pays his $80 co-pay. Surprisingly, the couple returned every Wednesday for six weeks, repeating the routine. Puzzled, the therapist eventually asked why.
The old man explained, “Well, you see, we can’t do it at my place because my wife is there, and we can’t do it at her place because her husband is there. And even the cheapest hotels charge $130 a night. But my co-pay here is only $80.”
** Great joke: the 3 teachers (45 seconds) **
A boy tells his father that his gym teacher wants to meet with him.
“What’d you do?” the dad asks.
“He said I was aiming for kid’s heads during dodgeball,” the boy explains.
“Well did you win?”
“Yes, I did”
“That’s my boy. I’ll talk to your gym teacher soon,” the dad decides.
The next day, the boy says his band teacher wants to see him.
“Why’s that?” he says.
“She said to play louder, so I played as loud as I could.”
The father laughs, “Well you did what she asked. I’ll drop by soon to talk to him.”
Two days later, the father says he is going to school to meet the teachers. The boy admits: “Well you don’t have to go now, I got expelled today.”
Confused, the father asks why.
“I got called to the principal’s office, and there was my gym teacher, band teacher, and art teacher there.” “What the f*ck was the art teacher doing there?” questions the father.
“That’s exactly what I said!”
***
Two h00kers are ready to start their nights.
One of them smiles and says, “I can already tell this is gonna be a great night, I can smell d1ck in the air!”
The other one looks at her and says, “No, no, I just burped.”
What’s the difference between a female erogenous zone and car keys? Men can actually find their car keys.
** Great joke for adults: The nun in a taxi 🧕 🚕 **
A taxi driver picks up a nun and hesitantly asks her a question, fearing it might offend her. The nun reassures him, saying she’s heard it all. He confesses: “Well… I have always had a fantasy of receiving 0r@l from a nun.”. The nun, a bit surprised but calm, responds “that is fine, my son. I can help, but only if you are not married”.
The driver responds quickly: “that’s not a problem, I am not married!”. They stop, and she fulfills his fantasy. However, when they start driving again, the driver admits: “I’m sorry but I have lied to you, I’m married.” The nun replied “That’s fine, my son. I haven’t been very honest with you either: my name is actually Freddie, and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
***
Why are vegan women excellent at giving he@d? Because they are used to eating nuts.
*** Great joke for adults: the hospital visit (30 seconds) ***
A wealthy financial backer of a hospital goes on a tour with the director, and can’t help but notice a patient mast*rb*ting. She is shocked, but the director explains “This man suffers from Semenitis, a rare medical condition where his test*cles fill up too quickly.” The woman says “I suppose it is ok then”.
Continuing their visit, they now walk past a room where a patient receives or@l from a nurse. Shocked again, the woman asks, “And why is THIS happening in your hospital??” The director calmly responds “Same condition. The patient just has a better healthcare plan.”
***
Three pregnant women chat during a birthing class: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The brunette guesses, “I’ll have a boy because my husband was on top.” The redhead adds, “I’ll probably have a girl since I was on top.” Confused, the blonde says “Well, I guess I’ll have a puppy then…”
View more dirty jokes to share with men, or dirty jokes to share with women or our compilation of best dirty jokes of all-time.
Top 20 edgy jokes for adults
These jokes will blow your mind. They better because we’re not blowing anything else of yours!
Prince Andrew comes home one day and finds his girlfriend packing up all her personal belongings in a luggage. She tells him that she’s leaving because people say he is just a ped0phile… With a look of denial and disbelief, Prince Andrew steps back and says “wait, wait… that’s a big word to use for a 14-year-old!”
What’s the most the stupid animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
Why are orphans usually bad at dodgeball? Because almost no one ever misses them.
This orphan was able to travel all around the world for a full year. He just never became homesick.
My wife said she’d slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t quit writing dumb jokes. I’m not too worried, though, I know she’s just sd987gfdh sdf097fds s9072 oihsiho[hoi.
What is the scientific/medical name for Viagra?
Mycoxaflopin
Just found out the guy who stole my diary died in a car accident. My thoughts are with his family.
What takes 4 parking spots? 2 women parking their cars.
If she is strong, rich, and keeps you up all night, she is… a cup of coffee.
Doctor calling with bad news
Doc: “Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?”
Patient: “ok, give me the very bad news first”
Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with Ligma. You only have 1 day to live”
Patient: “Just 1 day?! … what’s the bad news then???”
Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone”
What is the tea that has the worse taste?
Reali-tea.
View more hilariously dad jokes or offensive jokes for adults.
Dad jokes for adults
Just because you now watch more cartoons than p*rn, it doesn’t mean that you’ve lost your sense of adult humor. Check out how these dad jokes keep the humor at an adult level.
What does a man on a one-night stand and a snowstorm have in common?
You don’t know how many inches you’ll get and how long it will last.
Chicken eggs are a work of perfection. Why? Because they get laid and don’t even need a c0ck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting “fvck” to “duck.” That’s okay – it’s still fowl language.
I couldn’t believe that my dad and mom divorced. My dad always described their marriage as: “Being just like Christmas.” Later, I learned he meant it’s because Christmas only comes once a year.
A cannibal family eats dinner together. But the son, visibly upset and not interested in the food, refuses to eat. The cannibal dad says: “Your mother cooked very long and her heart and soul is in this meal. I expect you to eat it.”
I asked my wife to tell me something to make me both happy and angry:
My wife said that my c0ck was slightly bigger than my father’s.
A woman walks around her house completely naked when suddenly she hears the doorbell ring. She asks “Who is this?” A man answers “It’s the blind man”.
Re-assured, the woman, still naked, opens the door. The man stares at her, hesitates for a second, then says “ok… so where do you want me to install those blinds?”
My boyfriend asked me ‘Is cutting the crust off of bread like circumcision for a sandwich?’ I said ‘No, cutting off the crust doesn’t get rid of the cheese.
A woman catches her husband with another woman in bed and gets angry. He hurriedly explains, claiming he was just helping the girl. He says: “The girl was hitchhiking but didn’t know her relatives’ address, so I took her home to check an old phonebook. When we got here, I saw her shirt was worn out, so I gave her a nice t-shirt you hadn’t worn in years. Her shoes were falling apart too, so I gave her one of your pairs that had been sitting unused for three years.” She thanked me profusely and then jokingly asked, “Is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?”
View more dirty dad jokes for adults.
Top 10-15 knock-knock jokes for adults
Enjoy the following knock-knock jokes which are PG rated if the PG stands for Pretty Gross!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you when your man’s not home.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozer.
Dozer who?
Dozer two of the biggest boobies I’ve seen!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the dang doorbell, I’m tired of knocking!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kenny Strok
Kenny who?
Kenny Strok-it now or will he wait ’til later?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Baghdad.
Baghdad who?
Baghdad a** up over here, girl.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your bizzness! Open the door.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Gesundheit!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Phil
Phil who?
Phil Deez Nuts
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hugh.
Hugh who?
Hugh Jass, just your type.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Idaho.
Idaho who?
Wow, you da ho, too?!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Yo mama.
Yo mama who?
Yo mama’s at my place in my bed, if you were wondering.
View the entire list of knock-knock jokes for adults.
Top 10 kinky memes for adults to keep your mind entertained
Some say that kink is in the eye of the beholder, well behold these memes and get your kink on!
View all our kinky memes.
Top 20 messed-up jokes that are just weird but really funny
Are you still with us? Enjoy the following messy jokes that put the “D” in dysfunction. Those jokes are definitely for adults only.
Finding Nemo reminds me of my dad! I can’t find him either!
My grief counselor died. He was so good, that I don’t even care.
Why do men struggle to solve riddles after taking a Viagra pill? Because they just keep getting harder.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was my favorite pet cat.
What made Mrs. Claus file for divorce? Santa would only come once a year.
My grandparents hate technology. That’s when I decided to unplug grandma’s life support machine to make my point.
What did the Chinese man call his baby laundry service? Ho Lee’s Sheets.
What is the main difference between a remote and a G-spot? My boyfriend will make his best effort to search for the remote.
How can you know when the dishwasher has stopped working? She’s in bed next to you.
Why can female chipmunks make great girlfriends? Because they love eating nuts.
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken came in a separate box.
Is this your kind of humor? View more messed up jokes.
10 offensive or dark jokes to make you laugh
Aren’t you offended yet? Well let us try harder. Take a look at the following offensive jokes and see that we take no prisoners.
My wife asked me if I wanted to try an@l. I said I was quite open to it.
Before I knew it, she put something up there.
As I look back now, I don’t know what got into me.
Chinese names make for good (and still respectful) offensive jokes:
- What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk.
- I think I banged a Chinese celebrity… She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”.
- What did the Chinese doctor ask his patient? Sum Ting Wong?
I wrote a book and I highly recommend it for you. It’s a step-by-step guide.
It’s called “How to fall down the stairs”
Fat people deal with a lot of social stigmas these days.
It isn’t fair. Being fat is already so tough to cope with. They have to handle rude fat jokes and comments, sometimes from complete strangers!
If you’re obese and someone is rude to you about it, don’t let that weigh you down.
You obviously have enough weighing you down already.
Last week I was digging in our back yard and discovered a chest full of gold! I wanted to run straight into the house to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging.
In the end, we’re all put here on earth to serve others;
F*ck knows what the others are all here for though.
What do most homeless folks get at Christmas? Hypothermia
View more funny but offensive jokes.
** Great Joke for Adults: A politician Ends Up in Heaven (1 minute) **
A politician dies and stands in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter says he will need to spend one day in hell. “It’s a requirement for people in your line of work,” he says. Scared of hell, the politician begins to try and charm Saint Peter into not going, but it’s no use. He drops him into the clouds and the politician falls in hell. He wakes up in a hotel room smelling bacon and hearing ocean waves crash. He opens his eyes to see a butler walking in with a Mai Tai, “Your drink, sir,” the butler says. “Who are you,” the politician says. “Satan!” He is too stunned to speak, so Satan fills the silence. “I know its a shock, people expect the whole eternal misery and really it’s just a lot of… what you would call, sins.”
Satan hands over the Mai Tai, and the politician hears his wife’s voice calling. He looks out the window to see his wife and all his best friends. The man realizes he looks and feels 20 again and runs outside with his drink. Surrounded by his friends and beautiful wife, he spends the day surfing, drinking and catching up with everyone.
The man and his wife, who haven’t seen each other in 6 years, talk and drink for hours before going to the room and making love like they did on their honeymoon. He is] the happiest he’s ever been. And then he wakes up suddenly staring at the pearly gates again. Saint Peter starts, “Okay, what will it be?” “I can’t imagine there’s anything better than hell,” the politician says. “Well, heaven is the angels with gold wings, whole chorus singing and white robes thing,” St Peter says. “Ummmm… no, I’ll take hell please,” responds the politician. “Yeah, that’s what people usually say,” Saint Peter says before dropping him again.
Awakening to stifling darkness, distant screams pierce his ears. Flickering flames in the distance reveal tormented souls. A lightning flash exposes Satan beside him, wickedly grinning with a soldering iron and razor-wire. “Where’s my wife? Where are my friends and all the drinks?” the politician shouts in despair. Satan leans in, “Yesterday, we were campaigning. But now, you have just cast your vote.”
Rapid-fire laughs: other hilarious jokes for adults
In search of a quickie? Not that kind you gutter-brain! Try your luck with these adult jokes sure to evoke a quick laugh out of you!
Vegans don’t moan during bedtime fun because they don’t like the idea of getting pleasure from meat.
How do you find blind men on a nudist beach? It’s usually not hard at all!
Marriage is like Indian food. It starts hot and spicy but ends up with someone crying in the bathroom and regretting their choices.
While everyone criticized my cooking, the smoke detector thought it was lit.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to find and fertilize one egg?
Because they simply won’t stop to ask for directions.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist will inspect the family tree, a gynecologist will inspect the family bush.
What made the d*ck go crazy?
“Someone was messing with his head.”
Men would love to be like a tree in a windstorm. It’s a pretty sure bet that they would get blown.
I went to see my Doctor, and she said: “You can’t eat anything… fatty.”
I said: “What, like bacon and fried stuff?”
she replied, “No. Fatty, you can’t eat anything.”
I blame my mother for my poor life in the bedroom. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” (Joan Rivers)
Why was the pool table laughing?
It likes having its balls tickled.
A guy went to the emergency room, and the Doctor told him: “You have lettuce sticking up your butt. The man replied: “that is just the tip of the iceberg.”
Trotter
Wednesday 7th of June 2023
I have a joke for you, Husband says to his Wife, "Honey, tonight I'm going through your back door". She says, kinda loudly, "f*ck that sh*t !" He says "that's the spirit".