Please note that this page is for geared towards adults. We can’t be held responsible for corrupting the minds of minors. That’s a parent’s job. We have compiled an incredible collection of jokes and memes sure to elicit comical reactions with adults. Yes, lines may have been crossed so consider yourself warned. If you are looking for something light, then you better get off the scale. Here we go for the seedy, uncouth, unscrupulous and unabashed humor waiting to be enjoyed.
Top 20 dirty jokes for adults
Is your mind clean? Not for long! Things are about to get pretty dirty!
What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!
What could you call someone who claims that they don’t [email protected]? A big liar.
Great joke for adults: “Whales at sea”
A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon. The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. He asks the female whale “let’s both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.” They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks. However, the seamen from the boat manage to swim away, almost reaching the shore. The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, asked the female whale “Let’s catch them and just eat them up.” But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in: “Look, I did the blow job just like you asked, but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.
Wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”
Husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”
Penguin’s car problems: A penguin takes his car to the shop, and decides to get an ice cream while the car is getting repaired. Because he has to use his flippers to hold the spoon, he is having a hard time eating and ends up covered with melted ice cream. When returning to the shop, the mechanic looks at him and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin replies, “No, it is just ice cream!”
What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Bubble Gum!
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? “Please come again”
What’s the difference between your pen*s and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
Two h00kers are ready to start their nights.
One of them smiles and says, “I can already tell this is gonna be a great night, I can smell d1ck in the air!”
The other one looks at her and says, “No, no, I just burped.”
What’s the difference between a female erogenous zone and car keys? Men can actually find their car keys.
The nun and the taxi: A taxi driver picks up a nun. During the ride, he asks her: “I have a question for you, but I am afraid it will upset you.” The nun responds with care: “My dear son, I have talked to so many people in my life. I don’t think there is anything you can say that will upset me”. The driver responds “Well… I have always had a fantasy of receiving 0ral from a nun.” The nun, a bit surprised, responds “that is fine, my son. I might be able to help, but only if you are not married”. The driver responds quickly: “that’s not a problem, I am not married!”. He pulls over and the nun delivers on her promise. However, when they start driving again, the driver admits: “I’m sorry but I have lied to you, I’m married.” The nun replied “That’s fine, my son. I haven’t been very honest with you either: my name is actually Freddie, and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
Why are vegan women excellent at giving [email protected]?
Because they are used to eating nuts.
The hospital visit: A wealthy financial backer of a hospital goes on a tour with the hospital director. As she walks past one of the patient rooms, she can’t help but notice a patient mast*rb*ting. She is shocked, but the director explains “This man suffers from Semenitis, a rare medical condition where his test*cles fill up too quickly.” The woman says “I suppose it is ok then”. Continuing their visit, they now walk past a room where a patient receives oral from a nurse. Shocked again, the woman asks, “And why is THIS happening in your hospital??” The director calmly responds “Same condition. The patient just has a better healthcare plan.”
View more dirty jokes to share with men, or dirty jokes to share with women or simply our compilation of best dirty jokes of all-time.
Top 20 bad jokes for adults – just too edgy or plain awful
These jokes will blow your mind. They better because we’re not blowing anything else of yours!
9 out of 10 people agree: a gang r*pe is fun.
(PS: we did warn you these jokes could be really bad, but you just kept reading, didn’t you?)
Prince Andrew comes home one day and finds his girlfriend packing up all her personal belongings in a luggage. She tells him that she’s leaving because people say he is just a ped0phile… With a look of denial and disbelief, Prince Andrew steps back and says “wait, wait… that’s a big word to use for a 14-year-old!”
What’s the most the stupid animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
Why are orphans usually bad at dodgeball? Because almost no one ever misses them.
This orphan was able to travel all around the world for a full year. He just never became homesick.
My wife said she’d slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t quit writing dumb jokes. I’m not too worried, though, I know she’s just sd987gfdh sdf097fds s9072 oihsiho[hoi.
What is the scientific/medical name for Viagra?
Mycoxaflopin
Just found out the guy who stole my diary died in a car accident. My thoughts are with his family.
What takes 4 parking spots? 2 women parking their cars.
If she is strong, rich, and keeps you up all night, she is… a cup of coffee.
Doctor calling with bad news
Doc: “Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?”
Patient: “ok, give me the very bad news first”
Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with Ligma. You only have 1 day to live”
Patient: “Just 1 day?! … what’s the bad news then???”
Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone”
What is the tea that has the worse taste?
Reali-tea.
View more bad jokes.
Dad jokes for adults
Just because you now watch more cartoons than p*rn, it doesn’t mean that you’ve lost your sense of adult humor. Check out how these dad jokes keep the humor at an adult level.
What does a man and a snowstorm have in common?
You don’t know how many inches you’ll get and how long it will last.
Chicken eggs are a work of perfection. Why? Because they get laid and don’t even need a c0ck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting “fvck” to “duck.” That’s okay – it’s still fowl language.
I couldn’t believe that my dad and mom divorced. My dad always described their marriage as: “Being just like Christmas.” Later, I learned he meant it’s because Christmas only comes once a year.
A cannibal family eats dinner together. But the son, visibly upset and not interested in the food, refuses to eat. The cannibal dad says: “Your mother cooked very long and hard to become this meal and I expect you to eat it.”
I asked my wife to tell me something to make me both happy and angry… My wife said that my c0ck was slightly bigger than my brother’s.
A woman walks around her house completely naked when suddenly she hears the doorbell ring. She asks “Who is this?” A man answers “It’s the blind man”. Re-assured, the woman, still naked, opens the door. The man stares at her, hesitates for a second, then says “ok… so where do you want me to install those blinds?”
My boyfriend asked me ‘Is cutting the crust off of bread like circumcision for a sandwich?’ I said ‘No, cutting off the crust doesn’t get rid of the cheese.
View more dirty dad jokes for adults.
Top 10-15 knock-knock jokes for adults
Enjoy the following knock-knock jokes which are PG rated if the PG stands for Pretty Gross!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you when your man’s not home.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozer.
Dozer who?
Dozer two of the biggest boobies I’ve seen!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the dang doorbell, I’m tired of knocking!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Willie Strok
Willie who?
Willie Strok-it now or will he wait ’til later?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Baghdad.
Baghdad who?
Baghdad a** up over here, girl.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your bizzness! Open the door.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Gesundheit!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone in there know me and want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Phil
Phil who?
Phil Deez Nuts
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hugh.
Hugh who?
Hugh Jass, just your type.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Idaho.
Idaho who?
Wow, you da ho, too?!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Yo mama.
Yo mama who?
Yo mama’s at my place in my bed, if you were wondering.
View the entire list of knock-knock jokes for adults.
Top 10 kinky memes to keep your adult mind entertained kink is relative.
Some say that kink is in the eye of the beholder, well behold these memes and get your kink on!
View all our kinky memes.
Top 20 messed-up jokes that are just weird but really funny
Are you still with us? Enjoy the following messy jokes that put the “D” in dysfunction. Those jokes are definitely for adults only.
Finding Nemo reminds me of my dad! I can’t find him either!
My grief counselor died. He was so good, that I don’t even care.
Why do men struggle to solve riddles after taking a Viagra pill? Because they just keep getting harder.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was my favorite pet cat.
What’s the main difference between a Ferrari and a dead body? I don’t have a Ferrari in my freezer.
How come Santa Claus is always so frustrated with Mrs. Claus? Because he only comes once a year.
My grandparents hate technology. That’s when I decided to unplug grandma’s life support machine to make my point.
What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk.
What is the main difference between a remote and a G-spot? My boyfriend will make his best effort to search for the remote.
How can you know when the dishwasher has stopped working? She’s in bed next to you.
Why can female chipmunks make great girlfriends? Because they love eating nuts.
My friend got his medical license revoked. All of this is just because she slept with a patient. It’s unfortunate because she was a great veterinarian.
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken came in a separate box.
How is a young sibling similar to a laxative? They both give you sh*t regularly.
Is this your kind of humor? View more messed up jokes.
10 offensive jokes to make you laugh
Are you offended yet? Well let’s make sure we’ve reached our objective. Take a look at the following offensive jokes and see that we take no prisoners.
My wife asked me if I wanted to try [email protected]. I said I was quite open to it.
Before I knew it, she put something up there.
As I look back now, I don’t know what got into me.
Chinese names make for good (and still respectful) offensive jokes:
- What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk.
- I think I banged a Chinese celebrity… She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”.
- What did the Chinese doctor ask his patient? Sum Ting Wong?
I wrote a book and I highly recommend it for you. It’s a step-by-step guide.
It’s called “How to fall down the stairs”
Fat people deal with a lot of social stigmas these days.
It isn’t fair. Being fat is already so tough to cope with. They have to handle rude fat jokes and comments, sometimes from complete strangers!
If you’re obese and someone is rude to you about it, don’t let that weigh you down.
You obviously have enough weighing you down already.
What do you call a woman with only 1 leg and 1 arm?
Eileen
What do you call a man who has no shins?
Neil
Last week I was digging in our back yard and discovered a chest full of gold! I wanted to run straight into the house to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging.
In the end, we’re all put here on earth to serve others;
F*ck knows what the others are all here for though.
What do most homeless folks get at Christmas? Hypothermia
View more funny but offensive jokes.
Rapid-fire laughs: other hilarious jokes for adults
In search of a quickie? Not that kind you gutter-brain! Try your luck with these adult jokes sure to evoke a quick laugh out of you!
Vegans don’t moan during bedtime fun because they don’t like the idea of getting pleasure from meat.
How do you find blind men on a nudist beach? It’s usually not hard at all!
Marriage is like Indian food. It starts hot and spicy but ends up with someone crying in the bathroom and regretting their choices.
While everyone criticized my cooking, the smoke detector thought it was lit.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to find and fertilize one egg?
Because they simply won’t stop to ask for directions.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist will inspect the family tree, a gynecologist will inspect the family bush.
What made the d*ck go crazy?
“Someone was messing with his head.”
Snowstorms are just like men: you never know exactly how long they will last or how many inches you will get.
I went to see my Doctor, and she said: “You can’t eat anything… fatty.”
I said: “What, like bacon and fried stuff?”
she replied, “No. Fatty, you can’t eat anything.”
I blame my mother for my poor life in the bedroom. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” (Joan Rivers)
Why was the pool table laughing?
It likes having its balls tickled.
A guy went to the emergency room, and the Doctor told him: “You have lettuce sticking up your butt. The man replied: “that is just the tip of the iceberg.”
