There are two categories of sexist jokes: jokes that are sexist for men, and jokes that are sexist for women. After all, it’s not just men who can be sexist…
Women can also be very sexist…
(It’s just that men are better at it like everything else 😊).
We have gathered and written the funniest for both categories. Let’s start with the ladies!
Jokes that are sexist to women
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn’t matter; feminists don’t change a thing.
Wife: “I want to get a driver’s license.” Husband: “what for? there are no roads between the bedroom and the kitchen
What is the fastest way to spread a rumor? Telephone? NO. Television? No. How then? Tell A Woman
Why are life and pen1s alike? Women make both of them hard.
What kind of letters do feminists send? Hate Male
What do model trains and breasts have in common? They were made for children, but the father plays with them.
What takes 10 parking spaces? 5 women
How do you get an overweight lady in bed? Piece of cake
Why did God create women? to get an easy way to move semen from the bed to the toilet
How do you annoy your girlfriend during bedtime fun? You give her a call
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle? None. The bottle should already be opened went your woman brings it to you on the couch.
What is the difference between men and women? Men have 2 heads, women have 4 lips because men do all the thinking, and women do all the talking.
Why is an arguing woman like a blunt knife? Neither has a point.
How do you turn a pretty fox into a whale? You marry the fox and wait a few years.
How is getting married similar to being in a tornado? Marriages and tornadoes both begin with a lot of strong blowing, but eventually, you end up losing your house.
What do you call a woman who uses her mouth skills to get expensive shoes? Head over Heels
What is the difference between a job and a wife? After a few years, your job still “sucks”.
When is a woman right? When the kitchen isn’t left.
When does a woman lose her intelligence? When she gets a divorce.
What happens when a woman talks dirty to you? It sets you back $4.99 each minute.
What is another word for a woman who doesn’t make sandwiches? Single
Why do women wear white at their weddings? To match the color of their kitchen appliances.
What is a woman with an opinion? Wrong
When does a fox turn into an elephant? A couple of years after you marry her.
Why shouldn’t you mess with a woman with PMS and GPS? She is a b!tch, and she’ll find you.
Why do women fake reaching climax? Because they think men care.
What is a lesbian’s most outstanding achievement? Preventing feminists from breeding.
What does a man get when he marries a woman? An attachment you screw to get the housework done.
A woman got angry because I told her your hair smells terrific. I don’t believe that it’s my fault that I’m a midget.
What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth?
Answer: Einstein’s junk
What is a minimum? A small female parent.
What do you call a lesbian rapper? Feminem
How do you deal with women and stones? Skipping the flat ones.
Why are women’s baseball games dangerous? Pitches be crazy.
Why do women close their eyes during intimacy? They don’t want to see a man having a good time.
Who is Eileen? A woman with one leg longer than the other.
Your dog barks in the backyard, and your wife yells on the front porch, who do you let in the house? The dog, because he will shut up once he enters the house.
A woman asked me if I was in her vegetarian club? I assure you I have never met herbivore.
Why did the woman cross the road? The question should be, what was she doing out of the kitchen?
What fruit do feminists like the most? The mango.
Women fall in love with their ears, men with their eyes. That is why women wear makeup and men lie.
Women say all men are the same, but choosing one takes them forever.
Teach a man to fish, and he will never go hungry. Teach a woman to fish; she will never stop telling you that you’re doing it wrong.
I was invited to a feminist picnic the other day. Had a great time, but no one made any sandwiches.
What do you call a happy feminist? I’ll ask her if I ever see one.
What’s the difference between a woman and a brick. You don’t have to cuddle a brick after you lay it.
How is a feminist different from fire arms? Fire arms can only be triggered one way.
A feminist said to me today that all men are pigs. I told her that women and men are equal.
What is women favorite book? The checkbook
Why do feminists flunk algebra? They can’t solve inequalities
What’s 6 inches long and 2 inches wide, and women want to have? A 100-dollar bill
I admire women who don’t need to dress provocatively to get a man’s attention. But I seek the ones who do.
What is a strong, independent woman? One who can open a jar without your help.
My wife suggested I see things from her point of view. So I looked out the kitchen window.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? They don’t want to be mistaken for feminists.
How to differentiate between a man and a woman? Their reaction to the word facial.
My wife took her driver’s exam today. She got 8 out of 10, but the other two guys are in critical condition.
Back in my day, Barbie was the only girl made of plastic.
Men laugh “he, he, he” feminists laugh “she, she, she”
My feminist Israeli friend insists I call her a Shebrew.
My wife complained that I never listened to her. Or something like that…
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her chap stick. She isn’t talking to me.
According to science, women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who say something about it.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has no clue what he did wrong.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I bought my wife a get better soon card. She is not ill but surely needs to make some improvements.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in a year. I’m afraid of interrupting her.
I told my wife our kids are spoiled, and she replied: “they smell good to me.”
Jokes that are sexist to men
Let’s get now to the funniest jokes that are sexist to men:
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
What do you think when you see a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
My husband doesn’t know the meaning of fear… but then again, he ignores the significance of MOST words.
If he is strong, rich, makes you sweat, and keeps you up at night, he is coffee.
I wanted to show my wife who’s boss in our house. I held a mirror up to her face.
If you come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, affection, and tenderness? You might be in the wrong house.
The man of your dreams doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.
My wife is dissatisfied with my body. A tiny part of me makes me think so.
Why do men believe in love at first sight? Because men believe everything, you tell them.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will drink beer on a boat all day.
Men know everything except who is she?
What do you call a man with half a brain? A gifted man.
Husband: Would you care for a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
What do you get when you have two little balls in your hand? A man’s complete attention.
How come a banker is good in bed? He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why is it so hard for women to find sensitive, caring, and good-looking men? Because they already have husbands
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to shake the stove.
Why are men necessary? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Two men were strolling down the street when one said: “how sad a dead bird.” The other man looked up and asked, “where?”
Never let your husband’s mind wander; it’s too small to be alone.
How are men like Lava lamps? Both are fun to look at, but none are not that bright.
Men are like bank accounts. With a lot of money, they can generate interest.
Men are like handguns. After having them for a while, you want to shoot them.
A woman went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!” The mother replied, “You have my sympathy?”
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that’s why I stopped going there.
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d die laughing.
How many knees do men have? A: 3, the right knee, the left knee, and the wee-knee.
When would you want a man’s company? When he is the owner of such a company.
Why do only a few men make it to Heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do so few men make it to Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions.
How are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to start and only work half the time.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four men.
How do you know when a man is well-hung? You can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss. (His wife)
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it and two to listen to him bragging.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? The glass of wine always hits the spot.
When does a man have a car on his head? When he is named Jack
What happens when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down hard enough.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile, a joyous face, and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A glad he ate her.
What two things make a perfect husband? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How do you prevent your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename them Instruction Manual.
How do you know a man is working on a contingency plan? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why can’t men get mad cow disease? It doesn’t affect pigs.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical men? He only cares about legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and need to be more trustworthy.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barber cue
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like women to be as bright as they are
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One of them you can’t hit with an ax.
Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet? Because they like to make noise on both ends.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run when you cry.
What do you call a man who never passes gas in public? A private tutor.
What do men and hosiery have in common? They cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching football? The sofa doesn’t ask for beer.
How do you know a man is about to say something clever? He starts with, “My wife says…”
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men remember them.
Why do men get their best ideas in bed?: Because they’re plugged into a genius!
What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? : Some people claim they have seen Big Foot
Why do doctors slap babies when they’re born? To knock the penises off the best ones.
Why did Dorothy get lost going to see the wizard of Oz? Because she was being led by three males.
Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to become experts when they grow up
Women are like iPhones; you must touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberry Rub one ball and are good to go.
Two men visit a female chemist. The first man asks for H2O. The second says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” The second man died.