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101 Best Messed Up Jokes That You Should NOT Share

Even messed-up jokes can be funny, can’t they? See for yourself. Take a browse through our extensive list of messed-up jokes & memes.

WARNING: Some of these jokes are indeed messed-up. You’ve been officially warned.

blonde woman shocked

Dirty Messed-Up Jokes

Why does your grandmother like gardening so much? Because she loves getting dirty on her knees.

Why can female chipmunks make great girlfriends? Because they love eating nuts.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Bubble Gum!

My friend got his medical license revoked. All of this is just because she slept with a patient. It’s unfortunate because she was a great veterinarian.

What do *your* husband and *my* kids have in common? They’ve all seen my boobs.

dollar bill meme

Please tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

What is the main difference between a remote and a G-spot? My boyfriend will make his best effort to search for the remote.

bill cosby favorite disney princess messed-up joke

What is the main difference between my wife and an umbrella? Unfortunately, only one of them ever gets wet.

What do teenage boys and washing machines have in common? They both like keeping one sock for themselves.

What do gay men and drug dealers have in common? They both are exposed to a lot of crack.

Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken came in a separate box.

Messed-Up Jokes About Orphans & Adopted Kids

Where can you never take an orphan for dinner? A family restaurant.

orphan family pictures joke
full house orphan joke

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

View the 101 Best Orphan Jokes.

Dark Humor Messed Up Jokes

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. The only exception is when you are at a funeral.

I read a fascinating book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.

I found a chest of gold coins in a hole that I was digging in my yard. I was going to tell my wife, but then I remembered that the hole in my yard was for her coffin!

What’s the main difference between a Ferrari and a dead body? I don’t have a Ferrari in my freezer.

To this day, I still remember my dad’s last few words before he passed away. He said: “You are still holding the ladder, right?”

What’s the fastest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a highway.

Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

What did the oven say to the chicken? “I can’t wait to have you inside me.”

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables well below room temperature.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was my favorite pet cat.

Rapid-fire dark humor (1-minute video). This video is well worth watching:

Messed-Up Jokes about Relationships

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

ask siri why you are still single meme

Don’t break a person’s heart, they only have one. Instead, you should break their bones: they have 206 of them.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I called the 1-800-FIX-MY-FRIDGE and the repair guy said there was nothing wrong with it.

Family Messed-Up Jokes

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. They are just not for us. If anybody does want children, please send me your contact information and we can drop them off right away.

I let my kids vote to decide on their meals. This helps teach them the values of democracy. They picked pizza. Then I made a salad because they don’t live in a swing state.

At what point does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes away and never comes back home.

My grandparents hate technology. That’s when I decided to unplug grandma’s life support machine to make my point.

As if watching my sibling drown wasn’t bad enough. Now I have to pay the water utility bill for it!

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

How is a young sibling similar to a laxative? They both give you sh*t regularly.

What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you? Your virginity

You are not a completely useless person. People can always use you as a bad example not to follow.

I threw a boomerang a few hours ago but didn’t see where it went. I now live in permanent fear.

Sexist Jokes

iron man alt text

What takes 10 parking spaces? 5 women

What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth?
Answer: Einstein’s junk

How can you know when the dishwasher has stopped working? She’s in bed next to you.

International Messed-Up Jokes

What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk.

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.

juan in a hundred joke

Bizarre Messed-Up Jokes

A study showed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s not surprising… I can’t quite remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I threw a boomerang a few hours ago but didn’t see where it went. I now live in permanent fear.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

Messed-Up Medical Jokes

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. You know this is my first operation. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. It’s my first time too.

The patient tells the doctor that he can’t remember anything. The doctor asks… “Why not?” and the patient responds with… “Why not, what?”

meme about skipping dentist annual visit

I just got my doctor’s test results and it’s not looking good. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to become a doctor…

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge then gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

drill slip joke about dentists

What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.

Messed-Up Jokes About Pets or Animals

How many rabbits does it take to keep warm? It depends on how big their skins are.

Why do cats make for a great experimentation animal? Because they can die nine times.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was my favorite pet cat.

What got four legs and a hand? A lion in a daycare center.

queen's corgis jokes

Other Messed-Up Jokes To Make You Smile

What do alcoholics and amputees have in common? They are both legless.

Why do men struggle to solve riddles after taking a Viagra pill? Because they just keep getting harder.

What do teenage boys and washing machines have in common? They both like keeping one sock for themselves.

What do you get if you cross a loaf of bread with a vagina? A yeast infection.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, that I don’t even care.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife of thirty years is dressed in all black and suddenly realizes that she can’t even depend on her husband for death!

Whenever I want to smile, I just push a useless person down the stairs. Isn’t that great?!

Don’t challenge death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

I had a job at the library. I got fired right away because I placed a book about World War II in the ‘Fantasy’ section.

My daughter asked me… “How did Elvis die?” I told her that he died due to severe constipation.

My friends make stupid jokes about the coronavirus. It’s turning into a pundemic.

What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Not a single word.

I haven’t let my husband in the house since the pandemic started. He’s carrying too many germs!

The PlagueStation 5 just came out right when COVID-19 started.

pretzel company joke

I’ve stopped making jokes about the coronavirus to my entire family. They flu over their heads.

Puppy farms and rubbish dumps are pretty similar. There’s just one difference. Puppy farms have more litter!

Why do fat people get offended by obese jokes? Don’t they have enough to worry about already?

What do you throw a racist when he’s drowning? His wife and kids.

What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday? Returning to the scene of the crime.

Why are carpenters never horny after work? Because they’ve spent their entire life hammering all day long.

What is the difference between $500 dollars and a child? One is worth more than the other.

Finding Nemo reminds me of my dad! I can’t find him either!

I kicked my friend out of my apartment. I hate having people over!

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

How come Santa Claus is always so frustrated with Mrs. Claus? Because he only comes once a year.

Why do women don’t like copywriting? Because there are just too many periods involved with it.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, but sadly none of them ever seem to work.

What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player actually showers.”

Nerds aren’t loved by anyone, so that’s why they choose to play Tennis, the only sport where they can get love.

What was David Bowie’s last hit? It was probably heroin if we’re being honest.

My toasted shocked me and yelled – “I’m not waterproof, you idiot!”

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