Messed-up and offensive jokes can be something people use to help them laugh at a bleak situation they’re facing or to get through really tough times. Either that or they just like to feed their sick sense of humor. Whatever the reason you’re here, we have collected some very funny and pretty offensive jokes for you to enjoy… If ‘enjoy’ is the right word! Brace yourself for a comedic journey, where political correctness takes a temporary vacation and laugther roams free.

The best messed-up and offensive jokes

Just a word of caution before we get started: you are probably here because you searched for “offensive jokes” or “messed-up jokes” on the internet… so don’t complain to us if you do get offended! It’s your own fault. Let’s get started.

To start with, 10 rapid-fire messed up jokes

I’ve just had the worst day: my ex-girlfriend got hit by a truck. Just a few hours later, I also lost my job as a truck driver.

What’s the difference between a snowstorm and a man on a one-night stand?
None: you don’t know how many inches you’ll get, when he’s coming, or how long it will stay. 🤨

What do most homeless folks get at Christmas? Hypothermia

My granddad kept on complaining that Millennials use technology too much. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

9 out of 10 people agree: a gang r*pe is fun.
😲

Offensive jokes about countries

There’s a saying in comedy: either everything can be funny, or nothing can be funny. We hope this collection of offensive (but still respectful) country jokes falls in line with the “everything can be funny” angle. Let’s start with England and the Royal family...

Prince Andrew comes home one day and finds his girlfriend angry and packing her stuff away. She tells him that she is leaving, because people say he is a pedo. With a look of denial and disbelief, Prince Andrew steps back and responds “wait, wait, wait… that’s a big word to use for a 14-year old…”

We love Mexicans but it’s now their turn:

Why does Trump take anti-anxiety medication? Because of His-panic attacks.

Related Post: 130 Funniest Mexican jokes and Memes.

Polish people are well known for having long and hard-to-pronounce names (have you ever heard of Coach Krzyzewski or famous diplomat Zbigniew Brzezinski?). Here is how Polish people invent new names for their children:

Russia has become the victim of worldwide jokes. Most people around the world make fun of Putin’s army and its inability to defeat Ukraine’s troops. There is indeed a big difference between the Russian army portrayed in the movies and the Russian army in the real world:

The Russian army doesn’t seem as well equipped as we thought… or is the problem with the Russian soldiers?

What’s the difference between the United States and Canada? The United States have very friendly, courteous neighbors.

China is also in the news…
When the pandemic first started, no one thought Covid would last very long… because it was made in China.

The name of the first person who got covid has just been released. He was Chinese and his name is …
Ha-Tchu.

Chinese names make for good (and still respectful) offensive jokes:

• What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk.
• I think I banged a Chinese celebrity… She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”.
• What did the Chinese doctor ask his patient? Sum Ting Wong?

View more Chinese jokes.

Offensive Jokes About Orphans

Why are orphans so bad at playing dodgeball? Because almost no one ever misses them.

I built a new website for the local orphanage in my city. As a practical joke, I designed it without a home page.   

What do you call an orphan’s family tree?
A stump.

Read our most offensive (but funny) orphan jokes.

Offensive Jokes about Religions

Muslim flying a plane

The Unexpected Side Effect of Becoming a Catholic

Two Jewish friends are taking a walk when they pass by a church. One of them notices a sign on the gates that says, “We’ll give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you come inside and convert to Catholicism!”
The first guy asks his friend, “Do you think we should do it?” His friend replies, “Of course not! Are you out of your mind?”

The first guy says, “You know what? I’m going in there and converting to Catholicism. A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks after all!”
And so he walks into the church and a few minutes later comes back out.

His friend asks, “Well, did they give you the hundred bucks?”
He replies, “Oh, you people only care about money, don’t you?”

Want more offensive or messed-up Jesus jokes? read our Divine Comedy: Our Best Jesus jokes

All-time best messed-up and offensive jokes

These jokes are hilarious, with THOUSANDS of likes or upvotes on social media sites. They are offensive or shocking. Are you ready? (if you are not ready, read our chicken jokes).

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Top Joke: The Woman Who Owned Almost Everything

A man is visiting Las Vegas by himself where he runs into what must be the most gorgeous woman he’s ever laid eyes on. He starts talking to the woman and quickly realizes she’s a s*x worker. Intrigued, the man asks, “How much?”

“You should know that my prices are a bit higher than what you might be used to,” she replies.
“How much higher?” the man asks.
“Well, let’s start with my cheapest service: $1,000 for a handj0b,” says the woman.

Startled, the man replies, “What? Who would pay $1,000 for a handj0b?”

“Come walk with me,” the woman says. He agrees, and they walk for a little while until they arrive at a restaurant. “See how beautiful this restaurant is? I am the owner of this restaurant because every man I’ve ever been with has paid me $1,000 for a handj0b.”

“Goddamn,” the man thinks to himself, “they must be the best handj0bs in the world.”

“Alright then,” he tells her before taking her back to his hotel room. The man receives the handj0b, and just as he’d hoped, it was the most amazing handj0b he could have ever imagined. After finishing, he looks at the woman’s gorgeous face and starts realizing how perfect she is in every way.

“That was incredible. I want more. How much for a blowj0b?” he asks.
“$10,000,” she replies.
“$10,000?” he yells. “There’s no way you charge that much”

“Come to the balcony,” she says. They walk out to the balcony, where she points at several buildings. “See how beautiful those six casinos are? Those are the most successful casinos in the world.” The man interrupts her, “Oh what? You’re going to tell me that you’re the owner of those casinos?” The woman smiles and says, “As a matter of fact, yes. I am the owner of those casinos because every man I’ve ever been with has paid me $10,000 for a blowj0b.”

“Well… they must be really good then,” responds the man. “Okay, I will pay you $10,000 to try it out.”
Just like with the handj0b, the blowj0b ends up being absolutely amazing, way better than he could have ever imagined. The man is feeling a level of pleasure he’s never felt before, and realizes that if her handj0bs and blowj0bs are that good, then how good must it feel to take it to the next step with her?

“Alright, I’m sure I’m going to regret this later, but how much to take it to the next step?” he asks.
“Come to the balcony,” she says. He follows her out to the balcony again, this time prepared for anything she might say.
The woman opens her arms, gesturing toward the entire city, “See how beautiful Las Vegas is?” she asks.

The man, completely shocked, exclaims, “Wow, do you own Las Vegas?”
The woman looks down and says, “No… but I’m pretty sure I would if I had a pu$$y.”

* * *

A pilot forgot to turn the intercom off and was heard by everyone on the plane saying, “God, I could really use a cup of hot tea and some good pu$$y right now.” The chief stewardess quickly started running toward the c0ckpit, leading one of the passengers to yell out, “You forgot the tea!”

***

Top Joke: What Women Want: An Unsolvable Mystery

A new “Husband Shopping Center” opened in town. It had five floors, and the husbands became more perfect as you went up each floor. The only catch was: once you entered a floor, you had to pick a husband from that floor. If you went up another floor, you couldn’t go back down except to exit the center for good and never come back.

A few women decided to check out the shopping center and look for new husbands. The sign on the first floor said, “These men are smart and educated, and have degrees from prestigious universities”. The women said, “That’s impressive, I wonder what’s on the next floor?” And so they went up.

The sign on the second floor said, “These men are smart, educated and handsome. They have perfect features, fit bodies and charming smiles.” The women said, “That’s great, the next floor must be even fantastic!”

The sign on the third floor said, “These men are smart, educated, handsome and rich. They have successful careers in fields like law, medicine, technology and business. They can afford to buy you anything you want and take you to exotic places.” The women exclaimed, “That’s amazing, what can be better than this?” So they went up one more floor.

The sign on the fourth floor said, “These men are smart, educated, handsome, rich and great in bed. They have mastered the art of lovemaking, and spent hundreds of hours practicing countless positions. Simply put, these men will fulfill every desire you’ve ever had.” The women gasped, “Oh God, that sounds incredible! I can’t even imagine what must be on the final floor?”

And so they went up to the fifth floor. The sign on this door said, “This floor has no men. It is only here to prove that women are impossible to satisfy. Thanks for visiting.”

* * *

A feminist described “The Rock Rule” to me. According to her, the rule suggests that before saying something to a woman, you should consider if you would feel comfortable saying the same thing to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. If not, then you shouldn’t say it to a woman either.
The rule made sense to me, so I blurted out, “You have the biggest chest I’ve ever seen!”

***

Top Joke: How NOT to Win a Bar Bet

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of 100 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with that jar?” The bartender responds, “It’s a bet that no one has won yet. You put 100 dollars in the jar to enter. If you manage to complete the bet, all the money in the jar is yours.”

“Oh yeah?” responds the man. “Why don’t you tell me more about the bet then?”

The bartender answers, “It’s pretty straightforward really,” he points at a corner of the bar, “See that man over there? That’s Big Lenny, if he stood up you’d notice he’s over 6’4” and built like a tank.” The man responds, “Yeah, I see him. Let me guess, the bet is to beat him up or something?”

The bartender answers, “Yes exactly, you gotta knock Big Lenny out. But that’s only the first part of the bet. There are two other parts that are even harder.”

The bartender continues, “The second part is this: Big Lenny has a rottweiler that’s chained to a pole outside. All you gotta do is go out there and pull one of its teeth out.”

“Oh, I guess now I understand why no one has won the bet yet.”

The bartender continues, “Yeah, and all of that doesn’t even hold a candle to the final part of the bet. You see Big Lenny’s 90-year-old mother lives upstairs. What you need to know about this woman is that no man has ever been able to give her an org@sm. And so the final part of the bet is you gotta go up there and fu*k her so good that she gets the first org@sm of her life.”

After hearing all of that, the man thinks it’s a lost cause and decides to ignore the whole thing. But after spending hours at the bar downing drinks, he became so wasted that he decided to enter the bet.

The man slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter, gets up, runs toward Big Lenny and breaks a beer bottle on his head, knocking him out.

He then drunkenly stumbles his way out of the bar to find the rottweiler. At first everyone at the bar hears the rottweiler growl, then they hear it bark and howl extremely loudly, but then it suddenly goes completely silent.

The man makes his way back to the bar and shouts, “Now show me that 90-year-old lady whose tooth I gotta pull out!”

* * *

***

Top Offensive Joke: God DOES Work in Mysterious Ways

Tommy enters the confessional and says, “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have been intimate with a girl of ill repute.”
The priest asks, “Who are you, my son?”
“It’s Tommy O’Brien, Father,” Tommy answers.

“And who was the girl you were with?” the priest inquires.
“I can’t tell you that, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation,” Tommy responds.
“Come on, Tommy, you know nothing in this town hides from me. Tell me, was it Molly Malone?”

“No, Father, I won’t say who it was.”
“Was it Bridget Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Fiona O’Reilly?”
“I’m sorry, Father, but I can’t name her.”

“Was it Mary Murphy?”
“I won’t reveal her identity, Father.”

The priest lets out a sigh of frustration and says, “Alright Tommy, you’re very discreet and I respect that. But you’ve sinned and you have to repent.”
Tommy leaves the confessional, and his friend Liam asks him, “How did it go?”
Tommy replies, “He gave me four hot tips for my next dates!”

* * *

I took my teen daughter to the doctor to get help for her Tourette’s.
I found out that she doesn’t actually have it. She just thinks I’m a c*nt and does hope I get r@ped.

***

Top Offensive Joke: How God Balanced Out Canada

God was working on the final piece of the world and he said to his angels, “This is Canada, and it’s going to be amazing. It will have diverse animals, fish, and plants. I’m also giving it oil, diamonds, and gold. It will also have sunny beaches, sparkling lakes, awe-inspiring waterfalls, lush forests, vast plains, and majestic mountains.”

One of the angels asked, “God, aren’t you giving Canadians too much?”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan,” said God with a smile on his face, “You’ll see what kind of neighbors I’m giving them.”

* * *

After I got hit by a car. I woke up in the hospital and saw a gorgeous doctor looking at me. She said “I’m sorry to inform you that you won’t be able to feel anything below the waist.”
I replied, “I understand,” then squeezed her b00bs.

A Real Standup Guy

A woman had three failed marriages, causing her to lose hope in finding love. Her first husband was abusive and beat her up every night. Her second husband cheated on her several times and eventually ran away with another woman. Her third husband was a dud in the sack and never satisfied her, not even once.

After several years of being single, she started to get tired of being so lonely and miserable. So she decided she’d take one last shot at love and sign up for a matchmaking service where she was very clear and specific on what she was looking for: She wanted a man who would be faithful and would never cheat on her, gentle and would never lay a hand on her, and finally, he must be skilled and satisfying in bed.

She ended up receiving a message from a man who said he was her perfect match. She was curious and excited, so she arranged to meet him at her place.

On the day of their date, she heard the doorbell ring and eagerly opened the door to possibly meet the man of her dreams. However, what she saw was an armless, legless man in a wheelchair.

He said, “Hey there, I believe I’m the man you’ve been looking for.” She asked, “Umm, how do you figure?”

He answered, “Well, I have no arms so I can’t hit you, I have no legs so I can’t run away with another woman, and I’d say that I’m quite skilled in bed.” She raised an eyebrow and asked “How do you know you’re skilled in bed?”

He replied, “How do you think I rang the bell?”

* * *

A guy walks up to the checkout counter with a cereal box, ramen noodle cup and a bottle of orange juice in his cart.
The checkout girl says, “Ooh, you’re single.” The guy smiles and responds, “You can tell by what I’m buying?”
The check out girl replies, “No, but I can tell by your ugly face.”

* * *

My parents told me this story about how one day they were enjoying their tacos at an outdoor restaurant when Steve Jobs approached their table, grabbed their tacos, and quickly ran away.
My dad clenched his fist and yelled, “Fu*king Jobs, always stealing our mexican!”

Something Is Fishy About Mary

Mary walks into a gynecologist’s office. The doctor asks her, “How can I help you?”
Mary looks down at her crotch and says, “Doctor, I think something is wrong with my v@gina. It has no smell at all.”
“Well, please get up on the exam chair so we could take a look,” replies the doctor.

Mary gets situated on the exam chair, allowing the doctor to lean in and start placing his head between her legs. The doctor instantly pops his head back out and says, “You need to have surgery as soon as possible!”
Mary replies, “I knew it! Please do it right away, doctor.”
“I can’t,” says the doctor, “you need a nose surgeon.”

* * *

The Body Is Headless but the Cop Is Brainless

A small-town police officer from the south is investigating a car crash on the main avenue. He sees a severed head lying on the pavement next to the wrecked vehicles. He takes out his notepad and starts to write a report.

He writes, “Head was found on the main avenew.” Then he crosses it out. “Head was found on the main avenoo.” He crosses that out too. “Head was found on the main avineu.” He shakes his head and crosses that out as well.

Finally, he looks around, bends down and carefully picks up the head by the hair. He tosses it inside a bush and writes, “Head was not found.”

* * *

A priest and a rabbi are walking in front of a school and see a boy standing by the gate waiting for his parents to pick him up.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, “Let’s fu*k him.”
The rabbi replies, “Out of what?”

***

Top Joke: An Acceptable Reason to Run from the Cops

A police officer goes to a man’s house and starts knocking on the door. When the man looks through the peephole and sees it’s a police officer, he immediately gets out through the backdoor and starts running as fast as he can.

The police officer notices the man trying to get away, so he chases him, catches him, and pins him to the ground. The officer then shouts, “Why are you trying to run for me?”

The man answers, “My wife left me for a cop four years ago!”
“And…?” the police officer confusedly asks.
The man replies, “I was afraid you wanted to give her back!”

* * *

The Tragic Truth About Adam and Eve

A Canadian, an Italian, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve. The Canadian starts, “See how polite and respectful they look? They must be Canadian.”
“Are you kidding?” exclaims the Italian. “They’re gorgeous. They must be Italian!”
The Russian finally says, “They have nothing to wear, no house to live in, only one apple to eat, and they keep being told that they’re in heaven. They’re obviously Russian.”

* * *

A couple of offensive (and very messed up) de@d baby jokes

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby thrown into a garbage truck compactor.

If you are into this, read more dead baby jokes (ah, c’mon, they are funny, but let’s read a few offensive jokes about men and women now).

Offensive Jokes about Men or Women

What did God say after creating man? “Let me try again, I can do better”.

NASA has recently announced that the next person to land on the moon will be a woman.   
Which is awesome because now dinner will be ready when all the men arrive.

Related post: Hilarious Dark Jokes For Twisted Minds.

Offensive Jokes About Relationships

Which position in bed will result in the worst kids?
Ask your mother.

When a woman dies, what’s the organ inside her body that remains warm the longest? Your penis.

Other Offensive Jokes

My mom had a terrible car accident and had to be rushed to the hospital because she was losing blood. We could not remember her blood type for transfusion. The most terrible thing is that she died yelling “be positive” several times. But it’s just hard to stay positive in those circumstances.

A fiercely Catholic man is furiously aggressive towards his daughter:
Father: “Sweetheart, how could you do this to your ma’ and me! We brought you up properly; took you to mass and raised you to live by the ways of the Lord. Jesus, Mary and Holy Saint Joseph! What in heaven’s name will the family think of you now? Or of us, for that matter?!”   
“I won’t have it, you can gather up your things and get out of my house! Your ma and I cannot have someone like that in this family!”  
Daughter: “Oh dad, I knew you might be angry, but I make a load of money doing this! I’ve just cleared all my student loans! And next week I was going to surprise you and ma’ with a holiday each! I’ve even got enough to pay for Seamus to go and play Gaelic football in Boston in the States! Oh dad, please don’t kick me out, I’m begging you!” 
Her father pauses for a moment. 
Father: “Hang on, what did you say you were there? A prostitute? Oh, Jesus darling, you scared me there! Come here and give yer auld da’ a hug! I must be going deaf in my old age, I thought you said you were a Protestant!!”   

My partner told me “I’ll be home in 5-10 mins max.” And at that moment, I knew they were cheating on me.   

A major recent scientific study found that monkeys actually eat more bananas than humans.   
I guess it’s true. It’s been a long time since I fed my monkey a dead human.   

I just read about that flasher who was thinking about retiring.   
He decided to stick it out for one more year.

Remember, never get in line behind Satan at the tax office.   
The devil takes many forms.

Did you fall from heaven? Face first?

A teenage girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her mom and dad.   
They find his tattoos, piercings, and haircut completely gross. Later, after the boyfriend leaves, the girl’s mom says, “I don’t think he’s a very kind person, dear.” 
“Oh, mom, please!” replies the daughter. “If he’s not kind, then why is he doing 300 hours of community service?!”

What do you call someone who puts hot dogs in a microwave?   
Frank Zappa

I wrote a book and I highly recommend it for you. It’s a step-by-step guide.   
It’s called “How to fall down the stairs”

I wouldn’t really say I’m a fan of “steampunk,” but it’s most definitely the healthiest way to cook punk.   

The parrot and the chickens:
A delivery driver is taking his truck through long, deserted stretches of road for days. He’s delivering a load of living chickens and only has his speaking parrot for company.    
One day he sees a beautiful woman hitchhiking on the roadside. He stops and asks her what she’s doing out there alone. She tells him that she had a row with her now ex-boyfriend who kicked her out of his car and left her there. The driver pauses, then says: “Alright, I can give you a ride under one condition.” The woman replies nervously: “What’s that?” to which the driver says: “F*ck or walk?”    
The woman weighs things up for a while and then responds: “OK, fine! But you have to put that parrot away.” The trucker agrees and moves the parrot into the back of the truck with the chickens. Once they finish, the driver asks the woman where she’s headed and drives on.   
After many miles a police car appears and pulls the truck over. The officer informs the driver that his truck has lost its load. The trucker appears shocked and tells the officer that he must be wrong. He asks the woman to vouch that the chickens were in the back when he last checked, and she does.    
The officer says “I’m sorry sir, but you truck is near empty”, so the driver leads the three of them to the back of the truck to check the storage. He opens the truck to see his parrot, with a chicken in its claws, squawking: “F*ck or walk?”    
The chicken replies: “Wooaaaack!” and the parrot throws the chicken out.   

My dad once told me that “the world isn’t just black and white, you know”   
He still hasn’t come to terms with me being colorblind.

What do you call a woman with only 1 leg and 1 arm?   
Eileen   
What do you call a man who has no shins?   
Neil   

Professor X: What’s your mutant superpower?   
New X-Men recruit: Hindsight   
Professor X: That won’t help us at all   
Mutant: Yes, I can see that now   

In the end, we’re all put here on earth to serve others;   
God knows what the others are all here for though.

A thief broke into an icicle experimentation lab last night.   
He stole the largest ones. Man, he’s sure got some big test icicles.   

My wife asked me if I wanted to try an@l. I said I was quite open to it.   
Before I knew it, she put something up there.
As I look back now, I don’t know what got into me.

Why do people have to sun dry or air dry after bathing in Afghanistan?   
Because there’s a towel ban in Afghanistan

A man walked into his local bar. He seemed down, so the bartender began to tell him a story to take his mind off of things. 
“Alright, so there was this Ukrainian scientist named DovanPolakoviviscov Petyinishiko… Anyway, he-” 
The man cut in – “Woah, why d’you skip the scientist’s name?”    
The bartender replied: “Because I want to finish the story before closing time”   

Fat people deal with a lot of social stigmas these days.   
It isn’t fair. Being fat is already so tough to cope with. They have to handle rude jokes and comments, sometimes from complete strangers!    
If you’re obese and someone is rude to you about it, don’t let that weigh you down.    
You obviously have enough weighing you down already.   

I just got my son a brand-new trampoline for his birthday.   
But he’s such an ungrateful little brat; he just sat in his wheelchair and cried when he saw it.   

An American and a Canadian are discussing which movie to watch together   
American: Let’s watch Titanic   
Canadian: Ah! What’s that about?   
American: Yeah, it was. A huge one that got sunk!   

An employee at a car repair shop had a bizarre habit of drinking brake fluid. He was hooked on this nasty habit. However, the shop owner found out about it and called him out on it, stating that he was worried about his employee’s health. The employee re-assured him “Don’t worry, I am not addicted. I can stop any time.”

Astrophysicists claim to have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.   
It is to be known as the Biggs Mormon.   

What’s the biggest difference between snowmen and snowwomen   
Snowballs

On the first day of the new school year, a teacher told her students that she was a Yankees fan. She asked the children to put up their hands if they were also Yankees fans. Every child in the class raised their hand, except one little girl. The little girl announced proudly, “I’m a Mets fan.”The teacher asked him why he was a Mets fan. She responded by saying “My mommy and daddy are Mets fans too.” “Well,” the teacher said, “what if your mommy and daddy are stupid, then what would you be?” The little girl replied, “then I’d be a Yankees fan.”   

Two old buddies bump into one another as they were both out walking their dogs. One has a Labrador and the other has a Chihuahua.    
They spend a while talking, then the guy with the Lab, says, “It’s been great catching up. Let’s go grab a beer!” The Chihuahua owner says, “Yeah but where are we gonna be allowed in with our dogs?” The Lab owner replies, “Don’t worry, I know where we can go, just follow my lead.”   
They walk to a bar and the man with the Lab puts on a pair of sunglasses just before he goes in. The bartender sees him enter and says “Sorry, no dogs allowed!”. Ready for this, the man responds, “But he’s my guide dog!”. The bartender immediately apologizes and leads him to a free table.    
The second guy adjusts his sunglasses, and then he too walks in with his dog. Again, the bartender says, “Hey, no dogs allowed!”. The guy responds, “But he’s my guide dog!”. The bartender scoffs, “Come on, seriously! A Chihuahua?!” to which the guy responds, “What?! A Chihuahua?! They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!”

If nuts on a wall are called walnuts   
And nuts on a chest are called chestnuts   
Then what do you call nuts on a chin?   
Deepthroat

Son: Mom, why does dad look so blue?   
Mom: I don’t know. Shut up and keep digging darling.   

What do Mexicans use to cut up their pizza?   
Little Caesars.   

A kid who had a lisp brought a rifle to school one day and opened fire on his algebra 1 class. 
Police are treating it as a mathacre.   

This morning, I asked Siri, “why am I single?”. She activated my front camera.   

Doctor on phone: “I’ve got some bad news, and some terrible news”   
Patient: “Well, give me the bad news first, I guess.”   
Doctor: “The lab called with your results. I’m afraid you only have 24 hours left to live”.   
Patient: “24 hours? Oh my god! What could possibly be worse than that Doc? What’s the terrible bad news?”   
Doctor: “Well, I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday”.   

I just received my doctor’s test results back and it wasn’t good news, honey. It said, “you’re so dumb, what made you think you could be a doctor?”   

I just heard that my grief counselor tragically passed away. Luckily he was so good at his job, I didn’t even feel sad about it.

An old man finally woke from a long coma. The doctor said, “It’s remarkable, he seems to be feeling younger than ever”.    
Dressed in all black designer gear, his young wife said shakily, “Oh really? That’s great” and accidentally dropped the book she was reading.   
“Oh, I’ll get that for you!” the doctor asked. “No!” The woman shouted as the doctor picked it up and read out the title: “Living Your Best Widowed Life: The Gold Digger’s Bible”

As I’m getting older, I often think of all the people I’ve lost over the years.    
In hindsight, maybe working as a tour guide was not a good idea.

Last week I dug a large hole in our back yard and found a bag full of money. I ran inside to show it to my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging that hole to start with… 

Even someone who is no good is capable of putting a smile to your face, like when they’re falling down the stairs after you pushed them   

My mom passed away right in front of us because we couldn’t recall what her blood type was. As she faded, she kept saying that we should “be positive,” but it hasn’t been easy.   

Everyone keeps talking about carbon footprint. I don’t even have a footprint. I drive everywhere.   

I went to see a friend at his cool new apartment. He said I should make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don’t like visitors.

My dad asked me: “Son, do you know the expression: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure?”    
I think it’s a wonderful saying, but not a great way to be told that you’re adopted.

My wife doesn’t want to come to my dad’s funeral tomorrow morning: she said she is not a mourning person.

I always tell people that it’s important to make sure you have a wide vocabulary. If I had understood the difference between an “anecdote” and an “antidote,” my wife would still be alive today.

I don’t think it’s romantic or sweet when I see lovers’ names or initials carved on a tree trunk.    
I think ‘why do all these people take knives with them on outings?’   

If you give a man a match, he’ll be warm for a little while. Set that man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.   

My wife always gets really annoyed with me because I get easily lost. So I packed up my bags and right.   

How does a good joke become a dad joke? It has to leave you and then never come back again.

The priest asks a convict in the electric chair, “Any last requests, sir?”
“Yes,” replies the convict. “While I get electrocuted, would you please kindly hold my hand?”

In London, someone gets stabbed on average 35 times per day. That poor person.

My doctor diagnosed me with terminal cancer and gave me 6 months to live, so I blew his head off with my rifle. The jury found me guilty and gave me 16 years. That was more like it.

You are a big part of all of our group photos. You hold the camera so well.

Where did the soldier go after getting stranded from his troop in a minefield? All over the place.

How many emos does it take to change in a lightbulb?    
It doesn’t matter. They will all just sit in the dark and cry.   

I have this stepladder in the house now. My ladder left us when I was 6.

They all laughed at my crayon drawings. I laughed at all their chalk outlines.

My wife and I decided that we didn’t want children. If anybody does, you can go and collect ours from somewhere along the I-95.   

I had a lot of jokes about the unemployed, but sadly none of them worked.

To help teach my kids about the US democratic and voting system, I allow them to vote on what’s for dinner. They voted for pizza.    
Then I made lasagna because we don’t live in a swing state.

I was reading a cool graphic novel about an invincible dog recently. I couldn’t put it down.   

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re completely useless in this world.
You can always serve as a bad warning to kids.

How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? 
Because if it had been invented somewhere else, it would have been called a TEETHbrush. 

Last week, my girlfriend asked me to give her the lipstick that was on her bedside table. However, I accidentally gave her a Gorilla glue stick. She is upset now and… still won’t speak to me.   

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 200 meters of a school? He’s dead.   

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” have the same meaning. Unless you’re at a funeral.   

You should never break someone else’s heart; they only have one. But feel free to break one of their bones: after all, they have more than 200 of them.

 

A woman met with her Tinder date. The man shared: “I have worked with animals my whole life”. The woman responded with a big smile: “This sounds so nice. What do you do?”. The man replied, “I work at the slaughterhouse.”

I’ll never forget my dad’s final few words before he passed away: “You fastened the Bungee jumping cord, right, son?”

Cannibals never eat clowns: they taste a bit funny.

The biggest difference between jelly and jam, is that you can’t jelly a wet rag down your enemy’s throat.

My best friend is so brave. He has the heart of a lion and… he has been banned from ever going back to the zoo.

What did the girl with no hands receive for her birthday? I don’t know. She still has not opened her gifts.

A skydiver doesn’t even need a parachute. But he needs a parachute if he wants to skydive a second time.

What do you call a dog who has no legs? It doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.   

I just don’t get how when someone donates a kidney, everyone loves them. But when I tried to sell five kidneys, they called the cops on me.

My eldest relatives used to tease me at weddings by saying, “You’ll be next!” but they stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.   

I’ve got a joke for you. Ok, so you walk into a bar and there’s a line of people all waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line.   

S*x today is a lot like dark humor. Not everyone is going to get it.

We were at this restaurant and a waitress shouted out, “excuse me, does anyone know CPR?”    
I yelled back, “Sure, I know the entire alphabet!” We all screamed with laughter.    
Except this one boring person.   

I’m telling you, fish can breakdance! But only for 20 seconds. And then they can’t do it again.   

I just childproofed the family home. Somehow the little shits still got in.   

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating on Halloween? They’ve got no body to go with.   

I bet you’re looking forward to cremation. Finally, you’ll have a smokin’ hot body!   

Today while driving through my hometown, I decided to visit my childhood home. I was feeling really nostalgic, so I asked the people living there if I could come in for a while, but they said no and slammed the door in my face. I hate my parents.   

The hospital chef quit because none of the ungrateful patients enjoyed his delicious meals. People with Covid just have no taste.

My wife’s favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She just loves a hero with a twisted back… story.  

My girlfriend always dreamt of a marriage straight out of a fairy tale. So I gave her a chunk of bread and left her in the woods.

Rumor has it Sony is coming out with a new games console to help us all through the pandemic. They call it the Plaguestation 5.   

I got a job at my local library, but it didn’t last long. Apparently, there was something wrong with me putting women’s rights books in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.   

I couldn’t stop crying when dad started cutting Onions. He was such a good cat.   

Why do hospitals have air conditioning? To keep the vegetables fresh and cool.

The man who robbed my diary just passed away. My thoughts are with his family.   

Ever since covid lockdowns started, my husband aimlessly stands there looking through the window. I should probably go and let him in.

What did Kermit the Frog say when his puppeteer passed away? Not a word.