130 Darkest and Most Offensive Jokes You Will Ever Read

Dark humor and offensive jokes can be something people use to help them laugh at a bleak situation they’re facing or to get through really tough times. Either that or they just like to feed their sick sense of humor. Whatever the reason you’re here, we have collected some very funny and pretty offensive jokes for you to enjoy… If ‘enjoy’ is the right word!

Son: “Dad, how much does getting married cost?”   
Dad: “I can’t tell you that, son. I’m still paying for it.”   

Offensive Jokes about The United Kingdom

Prince Andrew comes home one day and finds his girlfriend angry and packing her stuff away. She tells him that she is leaving, because people say he is a pedo. With a look of denial and disbelief, Prince Andrew steps back and responds “wait, wait, wait… that’s a big word to use for a 12-year old…”

Offensive Jokes about Countries

There’s a saying in comedy: either everything can be funny, or nothing can be funny. We hope this collection of offensive (but still respectful”) country jokes falls in line with the “everything can be funny” angle:

Why does Trump take anti-anxiety medication? Because of His-panic attacks.

View 130 Funniest Mexican jokes and Memes.

Polish people are well known for having long and hard-to-pronounce names (have you ever heard of Coach Krzyzewski or Polish diplomat Zbigniew Brzezinski?). Here is how they invent new names for their children:

Russia has become the victim of worldwide jokes. Most people around the world make fun of Putin’s army and its inability to defeat Ukraine’s troops:

The Russian army doesn’t seem as well equipped as we thought… or is the problem with the Russian soldiers?

China is also in the news…
When the pandemic first started, no one thought Covid would last very long… because it was made in China.

The name of the first person who got covid has just been released. He was Chinese and his name is …
Ha-Tchu.

Chinese names make for good (and still respectful) offensive jokes:

• What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk.
• I think I banged a Chinese celebrity… She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”.
• What did the Chinese doctor ask his patient? Sum Ting Wong?

View more Chinese jokes.

Offensive Jokes about Men or Women

What did God say after creating man? “Let me try again, I can do better”.

What’s the difference between a man and a snowstorm?
None: you don’t know how many inches you’ll get, when he’s coming, or how long it will stay.

NASA has recently announced that the next person to land on the moon will be a woman.   
Which is awesome because now dinner will be ready when all the men arrive.   

Offensive Jokes About Relationships

Which sexual position will result in the worst kids?
Ask your mother.

When a woman dies, what’s the organ inside her body that remains warm the longest? Your penis.

9 out of 10 people agree: a gang r*pe is fun.

Other Offensive Jokes

My mom had a terrible car accident and had to be rushed to the hospital because she was losing blood. We could not remember her blood type for transfusion. The most terrible thing is that she died yelling “be positive” several times. But it’s just hard to stay positive in those circumstances.

A fiercely Catholic man is furiously aggressive towards his daughter:
Father: “Sweetheart, how could you do this to your ma’ and me! We brought you up properly; took you to mass and raised you to live by the ways of the Lord. Jesus, Mary and Holy Saint Joseph! What in heaven’s name will the family think of you now? Or of us, for that matter?!”   
“I won’t have it, you can gather up your things and get out of my house! Your ma and I cannot have someone like that in this family!”  
Daughter: “Oh dad, I knew you might be angry, but I make a load of money doing this! I’ve just cleared all my student loans! And next week I was going to surprise you and ma’ with a holiday each! I’ve even got enough to pay for Seamus to go and play Gaelic football in Boston in the States! Oh dad, please don’t kick me out, I’m begging you!” 
Her father pauses for a moment. 
Father: “Hang on, what did you say you were there? A prostitute? Oh, Jesus darling, you scared me there! Come here and give yer auld da’ a hug! I must be going deaf in my old age, I thought you said you were a Protestant!!”   

My partner told me “I’ll be home in 5-10 mins max.” And at that moment, I knew they were cheating on me.   

A major recent scientific study found that monkeys actually eat more bananas than humans.   
I guess it’s true. It’s been a long time since I fed my monkey a dead human.   

I just read about that flasher who was thinking about retiring.   
He decided to stick it out for one more year.    

Remember, never get in line behind Satan at the tax office.   
The devil takes many forms.   

Did you fall from heaven? Face first?   

A teenage girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her mom and dad.   
They find his tattoos, piercings, and haircut completely gross. Later, after the boyfriend leaves, the girl’s mom says, “I don’t think he’s a very kind person, dear.” 
“Oh, mom, please!” replies the daughter. “If he’s not kind, then why is he doing 300 hours of community service?!”   

What do you call someone who puts hot dogs in a microwave?   
Frank Zappa   

I wrote a book and I highly recommend it for you. It’s a step-by-step guide.   
It’s called “How to fall down stairs”   

Who was surprised when Will Smith started making swords?   
No one; that’s what blacksmiths do   

I wouldn’t really say I’m a fan of “steampunk,” but it’s most definitely the healthiest way to cook punk.   

A delivery driver is taking his truck through long, deserted stretches of road for days. He’s delivering a load of living chickens and only has his speaking parrot for company.    
One day he sees a beautiful woman hitchhiking on the roadside. He stops and asks her what she’s doing out there alone. She tells him that she had a row with her now ex-boyfriend who kicked her out of his car and left her there. The driver pauses, then says: “Alright, I can give you a ride under one condition.” The woman replies nervously: “What’s that?” to which the driver says: “Fuck or walk!”    
The woman weighs things up for a while and then responds: “OK, fine! But you have to put that parrot away.” The trucker agrees and moves the parrot into the back of the truck with the chickens. Once they finish, the driver asks the woman where she’s headed and drives on.   
After many miles a police car appears and pulls the truck over. The officer informs the driver that his truck has lost its load. The trucker appears shocked and tells the officer that he must be wrong. He asks the woman to vouch that the chickens were in the back when he last checked, and she does.    
The officer says “I’m sorry sir, but you truck is near enough empty”, so the driver leads the three of them to the back of the truck to check the storage. He opens the truck to see his parrot, with a chicken in its claws, squawking: “Fuck or walk!”    
The chicken replies: “Wooaaaack!” and the parrot throws the chicken out.   

If someone calls you fat, you should just ignore them.   
You are the bigger person after all.   

My dad once told me that “the world isn’t just black and white, you know”   
He still hasn’t come to terms with me being colorblind.   

What do you call a woman with only 1 leg and 1 arm?   
Eileen   
What do you call a man who has no shins?   
Neil   

Professor X: What’s your mutant superpower?   
New X-Men recruit: Hindsight   
Professor X: That won’t help us at all   
Mutant: Yes, I can see that now   

In the end, we’re all put here on earth to serve others;   
F*ck knows what the others are all here for though.   

A thief broke into an icicle experimentation lab last night.   
He stole the largest ones. Man, he’s sure got some big test icicles.   

My wife asked me if I wanted to try anal. I said I was quite open to it.   
Before I knew it, she put something up there.    
As I look back now, I don’t know what got into me.   

Why do people have to sun dry or air dry after bathing in Afghanistan?   
Because there’s a towel ban in Afghanistan   

What do most homeless folks get at Christmas? Hypothermia

A man walked into his local bar. He seemed down, so the bartender began to tell him a story to take his mind off of things. 
“Alright, so there was this Ukrainian scientist named DovanPolakoviviscov Petyinishiko… Anyway, he-” 
The man cut in – “Woah, why d’you skip the scientist’s name?”    
The bartender replied: “Because I want to finish the story before closing time”   

Fat people deal with a lot of social stigmas these days.   
It isn’t fair. Being fat is already so tough to cope with. They have to handle rude jokes and comments, sometimes from complete strangers!    
If you’re obese and someone is rude to you about it, don’t let that weigh you down.    
You obviously have enough weighing you down already.   

I just got my son a brand-new trampoline for his birthday.   
But he’s such an ungrateful little brat; he just sat in his wheelchair and cried when he saw it.   

An American and a Canadian are discussing which movie to watch together   
American: Let’s watch Titanic   
Canadian: Ah! What’s that about?   
American: Yeah, it was. A huge one that got sunk!   

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked.   
On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff.   
One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.   
The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”   

Astrophysicists claim to have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.   
It is to be known as the Biggs Mormon.   

What’s the biggest difference between snowmen and snowwomen   
Snowballs

On the first day of the new school year, a teacher told her students that she was a Yankees fan. She asked the children to put up their hands if they were also Yankees fans. Every child in the class raised their hand, except one little girl. The little girl announced proudly, “I’m a Mets fan.”The teacher asked him why he was a Mets fan. She responded by saying “My mommy and daddy are Mets fans too.” “Well,” the teacher said, “what if your mommy and daddy are stupid, then what would you be?” The little girl replied, “then I’d be a Yankees fan.”   

Two old buddies bump into one another as they were both out walking their dogs. One has a Labrador and the other has a Chihuahua.    
They spend a while talking, then the guy with the Lab, says, “It’s been great catching up. Let’s go grab a beer!” The Chihuahua owner says, “Yeah but where are we gonna be allowed in with our dogs?” The Lab owner replies, “Don’t worry, I know where we can go, just follow my lead.”   
They walk a short distance to a bar and the man with the Lab puts on a pair of sunglasses just before he goes in. The bartender sees him enter and says “Sorry, no dogs allowed!”. Ready for this, the man responds, “But he’s my guide dog!”. The bartender immediately apologizes and leads him to a free table.    
The second guy adjusts his sunglasses, and then he too walks in with his dog. Again, the bartender says, “Hey, no dogs allowed!”. The guy responds, “But he’s my guide dog!”. The bartender scoffs, “Come on, seriously! A Chihuahua?!” to which the guy responds, “What?! A Chihuahua?! They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!”   

If nuts on a wall are called walnuts   
And nuts on a chest are called chestnuts   
Then what do you call nuts on a chin?   
Deepthroat   

Son: Mom, why does dad look so blue?   
Mom: I don’t know. Shut up and keep digging darling.   

What do Mexicans use to cut up their pizza?   
Little Caesars.   

A kid who had a lisp brought a rifle to school one day and opened fire on his algebra 1 class. 
Police are treating it as a mathacre.   

This morning, I asked Siri, “why am I single?”. She activated my front camera.   

Doctor on phone: “I’ve got some bad news, and some terrible news”   
Patient: “Well, give me the bad news first, I guess.”   
Doctor: “The lab called with your results. I’m afraid you only have 24 hours left to live”.   
Patient: “24 hours? Oh my god! What could possibly be worse than that Doc? What’s the terrible bad news?”   
Doctor: “Well, I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday”.   

I just received my doctor’s test results back and it wasn’t good news, honey. It said, “you’re so dumb, what made you think you could be a doctor?”   

I just heard that my grief counselor tragically passed away. Luckily he was so good at his job, I don’t even care.   

An old man finally woke from a long coma. The doctor said, “It’s remarkable, he seems to be feeling younger than ever”.    
Dressed in all black designer gear, his young wife said shakily, “Oh really? That’s great” and accidentally dropped the book she was reading.   
“Oh, I’ll get that for you!” the doctor asked. “No!” The woman shouted as the doctor picked it up and read out the title: “Living Your Best Widowed Life: The Gold Digger’s Bible”   

As I’m getting older, I often think of all the people I’ve lost over the years.    
In hindsight, maybe my career as a tour guide was not the best choice.   

Last week I was digging in our back yard and discovered a chest full of gold! I wanted to run straight into the house to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging.   

The doctor prescribed me a cream for this skin rash. He told me I was a sight for psoriasis.   

Even someone who is no good is capable of putting a smile to your face, like when they’re falling down the stairs after you pushed them   

My mom passed away right in front of us because we couldn’t recall what her blood type was. As she faded, she kept saying that we should “be positive,” but it hasn’t been easy.   

Everyone keeps talking about carbon footprint. I don’t even have a footprint. I drive everywhere.   

What does your dad have in common with Nemo? They both need finding.   

I visited my friend at his cool new apartment. He said I should make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I hate visitors.   

When my Uncle Frank passed, he wanted his ashes to be kept in his favorite beer mug. His dying wish was to be Frank in Stein.   

My dad asked me: “Son, do you know the phrase, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure?”    
I think it’s a wonderful saying, but not a great way to be told that you’re adopted.   

Why did the man miss his friend’s funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.   

I always tell people that it’s important to make sure you have a wide vocabulary. If I had understood the difference between the words “anecdote” and “antidote,” my wife would still be alive.   

I don’t think it’s romantic or sweet when I see lovers’ names or initials carved on a tree trunk.    
I think ‘why do all these people take knives with them on outings?’   

If you give a man a match, he’ll be warm for a little while. Set that man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.   

My wife gets really annoyed with me because I have dyspraxia and have no sense of direction. So I packed up my bags and right.   

How do you turn any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it twenty-three times.   

How does a joke become a dad joke? It has to leave you and never come back.   

The priest asks a convict in the electric chair, “Any last requests, sir?” “Yes,” replies the convict. “Would you please hold my hand?”   

I just read that in New York someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. That poor man.   

My doctor gave me just 1 year to live, so I blew his head off with my rifle.    
The judge gave me 16 years. That was more like it.   

You are a big part of all of our group photos. You hold the camera so well.   

Where did the soldier go after getting stranded from his troop in a minefield? All over the place.   

My grandfather said that my generation is too reliant on technology.    
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.   

My parents raised me as an only child. My sister always had some weird problem with it.   

Why did Mozart slaughter all of his chickens? Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”   

How many emos does it take to change in a lightbulb?    
It doesn’t matter. They will all just sit in the dark and cry.   

I have this stepladder because my real ladder left me when I was 6.   

They all laughed at my crayon drawings. I laughed at all their chalk outlines.   

My wife and I decided that we didn’t want children. If anybody does, you can go and collect ours from somewhere along the I-95.   

I had a lot of jokes about the unemployed, but sadly none of them worked.   

To help teach my kids about democracy, I allow them to vote on what’s for dinner. They voted for pizza.    
Then I made lasagne because we don’t live in a swing state.   

I was reading a cool fantasy novel about an immortal dog recently. I couldn’t put it down.   

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.   

How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? 
Because if it had been invented somewhere else, it would have been called a TEETHbrush. 

I made a new website for orphans. It’s got no home page.   

Last week, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick to her, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick. She still won’t speak to me.   

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 200 meters of a school? He’s dead.   

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” have the same meaning. Unless you’re at a funeral.   

You should never break someone’s heart; they only have one. But feel free to break their bones, they have 206 of them.   

What’s the difference between a Bugatti and a lifeless body? I don’t have a Bugatti in my garage.   

My wife was ordering food at a new restaurant and asked the waiter, “what do you do to prepare the chicken?”. “Nothing special,” he replied, “we just tell them they’re going to die.”   

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a Marvel hero and the other is a household command.   

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s final words to me just before he passed away. “Are you still holding the ladder?”   

What’s the quickest route to the hospital?    
Easy, just stand right in the middle of a busy street.   

Why won’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.   

What’s the most difficult part of a vegetable to eat? Their wheelchair.   

What’s the difference between jam and jelly? You can’t jelly a sock in your victim’s mouth.   

My grandad is so brave. He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.   

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.   

What did the girl with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She still hasn’t opened her presents yet.   

“I work with animals,” the guy told his date. “Aww, that’s so sweet,” she said in response, “I love a man who cares for animals. What’s your job?” “I’m a butcher,” he replied.   

What’s the difference between a baby and a yam? About 150 calories.   

You don’t need to have a parachute to go skydiving. But you do if you want to go skydiving twice.   

Today has got to be the worst day of my life. My ex-wife got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.   

Why was the lepers’ hockey game abandoned? Because of a face-off in the corner.   

The saying goes that the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I find it easier going right through his ribcage.   

What’s the last thing that goes through a fly’s head when it hits the windshield of a car going 90 mph? Its ass.   

What do you call a dog who has no legs? It doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.   

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Well, it does if you throw it hard enough.   

I just don’t get how when someone donates a kidney, everyone loves them. But when I tried to donate five kidneys, they called the cops on me.   

My eldest relatives used to tease me at weddings by saying, “You’ll be next!” but they stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.   

What does Sarah Palin have in common with Iron Man? They’ve both had a Downey Jr. Inside them 

I’ve got a joke for you. Ok, so you walk into a bar and there’s a line of people all waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line.   

Food is a lot like dark humor. Not everyone gets it.   

The graveyard is so popular. People are really dying to get in.   

We were at this restaurant and a waitress shouted out, “excuse me, does anyone know CPR?”    
I yelled back, “Sure, I know the entire alphabet!” We all screamed with laughter.    
Except this one boring person.   

I’m telling you, fish can breakdance! But only for 20 seconds. And then they can’t do it again.   

I just childproofed the family home. Somehow the little shits still got in.   

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating on Halloween? They’ve got no body to go with.   

I bet you’re looking forward to cremation. Finally, you’ll have a smokin’ hot body!   

Today while driving through my hometown, I decided to visit my childhood home. I was feeling really nostalgic, so I asked the people living there if I could come in for a while, but they said no and slammed the door in my face. I hate my parents.   

The hospital chef quit because none of the ungrateful patients thanked him for or enjoyed his delicious soup. People with Covid have no taste.   

My favorite Disney movie has got to be The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I just love a hero with a twisted back… Story.   

My girlfriend wanted a marriage straight out of a fairy tale. So I gave her a chunk of bread and left her in the woods.   

Rumor has it Sony is coming out with a new games console to help us all through the pandemic. They call it the Plaguestation 5.   

I got a job at my local library, but it didn’t last long. Apparently, there was something wrong with me putting women’s rights books in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.   

I couldn’t stop crying when dad started cutting Onions. He was such a good cat.   

My daughter asked me, “Mommy, how do stars die?”. “Usually an overdose” I said.   

Why do hospitals have air conditioning? To keep the vegetables fresh and cool.   

The man who robbed my diary just passed away. My thoughts are with his family.   

Ever since the pandemic began, my husband just stands there pitifully looking through the window. I should probably go and let him in.   

What did Kermit the Frog say when his puppeteer passed away? Not a word.