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Divine Comedy: Top 70 Jesus Jokes and Memes [We Love Jesus]

laughing jesus looking at a computer for jokes

We must confess that the following jokes and memes may have crossed the line.  We’ve turned our attention to that sandal wearing, drama causing, magical guy who just wouldn’t go away. One day, after hanging around town with two other pals, he finally left only to come back 3 days later and caused even more of an uproar. Yes, you guessed it, we’re talking the original reality star Jesus Christ or JC to his peeps.

Keep in mind that all the jokes on this page are meant to be in good fun. At the end of the day, we all love jesus. And Jesus loves you.

Pebbles with inscription I LOVE JESUS, closeup

So… How dare we make fun of Jesus or anything religious? No need to be cross with us. Cross our hearts, it’s all done with good intentions. Keep in mind that we’ve risked eternal damnation to put a smile on your faces.

When you think about it, Jesus must have had a good sense of humor. I mean changing water into wine had to make him a hit at parties especially if the party was held at a water park.

jesus joke about water park

Clearly we’ve lost control. Jesus takes the wheel as we share with you the funniest top 70 jokes and memes about the guy who gives a new meaning to the word nepotism. 

Best Jesus Jokes

joke about jesus supper

*** Jesus is coming for you ***
A burglar just broke into a home, silently looking for things to steal. He suddenly hears a crackling voice whispering “Jesus is watching you”. Ten seconds later, he ears “Jesus is coming for you”. Scared, he looks around the house and eventually sees a parrot inside a cage in the living room. He asks the parrot “Was that you talking?” The parrot responds “Yes. Hi – my name is Saint Peter”. The burglar asks “Saint Peter? That’s an odd name for a parrot: who would name a parrot Saint Peter?”. The parrot responds: “The same type of people who named their Rottweiler Jesus”.

Jesus forgets his credit card so he gives the clerk 4 nails and asks, “Can you put me up for tonight?”

Why wasn’t Jesus considered to be kosher? He wasn’t unrisen.

Nun on pilgrimage. Roamin' Catholic

Why was Abraham considered a Bible encyclopedia?
Answer: Everyone said he knew a Lot!

jesus joke about ordering wine at the last supper

Why did Jesus only want to walk on one side of the road? He was too nervous to get across.

Gym photo. Jehovah fitness.

Every time I have a problem with the law, I ask WWJD and follow the same solution: I pretend I’m dead and hide out for three days.

Why wasn’t Jesus allowed to prepare the meat at the restaurant? It’s considered cross contamination.

The network wanted to air the Jesus sitcom. Unfortunately, it didn’t survive after the Pilate episode.

table for 26 joke

What was Adam overheard saying the night of December 23? It’s almost Christmas Eve!

I heard that they persecuted Jesus for setting fires. That’s why he died for arsons.

Clearly Jesus was Jewish.
He stayed with his parents into his 30’s.
He worked for his father.
His mother treated him like he was Heaven sent.

One day, a man declaring to be Jesus was admitted into a mental institution. When asked why he thought he was Jesus, he replied “God says that I’m Jesus”. Just then, another patient in a straight jacket shouted “I said no such thing!”

Why was Jesus called a bad lover? He needs 3 days to rise.

Jesus praying. Praypal.

What did the Dalai Lama say after seeing Jesus’ face in a container of margarine? “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”

True believers of Jesus don’t like to say crucifixion. They prefer to say crucifact.

For how long was Cain mad at this brother? For as much time as he was Abel.

Why is Jesus like a donut? Neither is self-centered.

What book in the Bible did the mathematician most enjoy reading? Numbers.

Jesus and his apostles go out to eat. Jesus: Seating for 26, please. Waiter: But I only see 13 of you. Jesus: Yes, but we only want to use one side of the table.

Piggy bank. Jesus saves.

Judas: Hurry, Jesus or you’ll be late for the last supper.
Jesus: What was that?
Judas: Supper. I meant you’ll be late for supper.

Why did MLK, Abraham and Jesus all refuse to work on their birthday? Because they were all born on Federal Holidays.

Yo mama is so fat, that Jesus had to push her aside before saying let there be light.

Jesus used to drive a Honda, but apparently didn’t tell anyone. Per the Bible, John 12:49: “For I not speak of my Accord.”

Why was it impossible to play cards on the ark? Noah wouldn’t get off of the deck.

Why did the Japanese Christian prefer to toast rice wine at Christmas? For Christ’s sake.

Mary had a little lamb.

What did Moses say after he witnessed people praying over a bejeweled bovine? Holy Cow!

Have you read the latest report regarding various theories of Jesus’s death and resurrection? It contained a great deal of cross referencing.

Why couldn’t Jesus be born in a southern state? It’s impossible to find three wise men and a virgin.

What made Noah cut his fishing trip ship short soon? He only brought 2 worms.

Come forth and you shall have eternal life.” says Jesus. Sadly, Peter was only given a water bottle because he came in fifth.

Sponge photo. That's what you do when you're hole-y!

How did Jesus turn water into coffee? He brews it first.

Did you know that Jesus starred in the Black Panther? He Wakanda water.

If Jesus were to major in religion, where would he study? Bless U.

How does Jesus save? Usually by clipping coupons and looking for sales.

After rising from the dead, why didn’t Jesus like to trust anyone? He’s always expecting to get double crossed.

Why was Mary suddenly wealthy when Jesus was born? She made a prophet!

Which band is did Jesus’ refuse to listen to? Nine inch nails.

If atoms were religious, which religion would they follow? Catholic, because they have mass.
What did God’s pharmacist say to Moses to help him feel better. Just take these two tablets.

Ice cream. Sundae school.

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Why did the married priest study law at the seminary? He hoped to someday be a father-in-law.

How was Noah able to navigate during the night? He used his floodlights.

Jesus was leaving for his blind date. A disciple asked, “You think you’ll in for some action?” Jesus replies “Absolutely, rumor has it she’ll screw anything not nailed down!”

Jesus: Knock, knock.
Man: Who’s there?
Jesus: Me.
Man: Me who?
Jesus: Jesus Christ just open the door.

Jesus is lucky that he can walk on water. I don’t have as much luck because I can never stand up on good tequila.

Why did Jesus’ date not want to see him again? Because he never stopped talking about his X.

Why is it eerie that Jesus Christ was a Carpenter? Because his name is exactly what people scream after accidentally banging their thumb with a hammer.

One day, I found a $20 bill in a bar. As I’m a good Christian, I reminded myself what would Jesus do. As such, I gave it to the bartender and had him turn it into a bottle of wine.

Easter eggs. Jesus dyed for us.

How does Jesus stay in such great shape? He does Crossfit.

When Jesus went car shopping, what make did he choose? A Christler.

Jesus once owned a brewery. The business was called HeBrew.

What pronouns would Jesus use these days? He/Hymn of course.

Which fraternities did Jesus pledge to? Alpha and Omega of course.

Manger scene. There was a weigh in the manger.

Why is a glass of water like an atheist? After coming in contact with Jesus, you end up with wine.

What was Jesus’ favorite sport? Lacrosse.

What kind of ham did Jesus order for his birthday meal? Bethle-ham.

Why was Jesus sad? He had plans to meet his apostles, but they left him hanging.

What is Jesus’ least favorite gun ? Nail gun.

Why did the Catholic scientist say that Sunday service was so urgent? Because it was a critical mass.

Holy Bible photo.

Jesus is very happy with his new cell phone especially because of the immaculate reception.

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