Dirty Dad Jokes… They can certainly be funnier than your traditional sense of humor, and funnier than simple dad jokes. Many people agree that dirty jokes are underappreciated, especially when they’re combined with dad jokes. We hope you’ll enjoy this collection of dirty dad jokes and memes that we’ve compiled together for you to browse through. Let’s get started:
Best dirty dad jokes
My colleague hates when I shorten his name to D*ck. Especially because his name is Josh.
*** Dirty dad joke: the butler knows too much ***
In a wealthy family, the butler asks the dad for a raise. The dad asks: “Why would I even give you a raise?”
Butler: “There are two reasons. The first one is that someone said I’m a better cook than you”
Dad: “Who said that?”
Butler: “Your wife.”
Dad: “hmmm”
Butler: “The second reason is that I make love better than you”
Dad: “and who said that?? my wife???”
Butler: “No, the babysitter did.”
Dad: “ok… how much more money do you want?”
***
*** Great joke: Dad’s order at the food truck ***
A dad goes to a food truck and sees the menu:
Burgers: $8
Fries: $4
Handj0bs: $20.
He asks the gorgeous woman working in the truck “are you the one doing the handj0bs”. “Yes” responds the woman with a big smile.
The dad responds: “Well, could you please wash your hands? I would like a burger.”
***
Omitting 1 little letter in a text message can ruin a marriage.
While on a business trip to Las Vegas, the dad texted his wife late at night:
“I’m having a fantastic time. I wish you were her.”
A few dirty dad jokes about 3-somes
I set up a threes0me last night. Unfortunately, two of us didn’t show up. We still had a great time.
As a special treat for my birthday, my wife said she was open to a threes*me.
She asked me which of her friends i would want to invite.
But she got mad… apparently, i was only supposed to pick 1.
Dirty dad jokes about moms or women
A world without women:
Sure, women can cause a lot of problems
But a world without women is a pain in the ass
Dad calls 911:
Dad calls 9-1-1, says “I think my wife is dead.”
Operator asks, “What do you mean, you ‘think’ she’s dead?”
“Well”, the dad says, “The s*x is the same, but the dishes have started to pile up.”
I saw my wife, very drunk, yelling at the television. ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in that church, you dummy!’ I guess she was watching our wedding video again. She must really love me.
***
A mom goes to her doctor because her husband no longer seems interested in her. With 3 young kids at home, the couple struggles with intimacy. The doctor prescribes viagra, but the mom states that the dad will not take the pill. The doctor recommends putting a pill in the dad’s coffee discreetly.
A few days later, the mom returns to the doctor, furious.
“Did it not work?” ask the doc.
“It was horrible”, responds the mom… “he drunk his coffee, then slammed everything off the table, ripped my skirt off, and had his ways with me right there.”
Puzzled, the doc asked, “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
Mom: “But now I’ll never be able to go to Starbucks again!”
Naughty dad jokes about infidelity
*** Epic Dirty Joke: It’s Really Dark in Here ***
Unaware that her daughter is hiding in the bedroom closet, a mom brings a lover to her bedroom while her husband is at work. Her husband arrives home unexpectedly, forcing her to quickly hide her lover in the same bedroom closet where her daughter was already hiding.
The little girl whispers, “It’s really dark in here” The man nods. She adds: “Look at my doll”. The man unenthusiastically looks at the doll, “That’s nice.” The girl then says, “My dad is just outside. Wanna buy my doll?” The man says, “Fine, I’ll buy your doll if you keep quiet. How much?” Taking advantage of the opportunity, the girl replies with a big smile: “$100” and the man has no choice but to pay.
Weeks later, the same thing happens. The little girl says again: “It’s really dark in here”, followed by the same “Wanna buy another doll?” The man declines until the girl hints that she might reveal their secret. The man hastily asks, “How much?” “$250” says the girl, with an even bigger smile.
Days later, the dad is playing with his daughter but notices some dolls are missing. The girl proudly says she sold her dolls to a friend for $350. “It’s not fair to take advantage of your friends,” the dad says. “It’s almost as bad as stealing, it’s called a rip off. We’re going to go to church so you can confess.” The two drive to church, meet the priest at the front door. The girl then heads to the confessional booth.
“It’s really dark in here,” the girl says.
The priest responds, “oooh… don’t get this started again.”
*** Great infidelity joke: a dad is being cheated on ***
While sitting at a big party, a man’s friend came running towards him. “Hurry! Your wife is in the master bathroom upstairs, cheating on you with your best friend, in the steam shower”.
The man rushed upstairs to see what was happening for himself. But after a few minutes, he returned and sat down very calmly, as if nothing happened. Everyone at the party was confused and someone eventually dares to ask what happened…
The man replied that his friend had been greatly exaggerating: “First, he said it was in the steam shower, but it was a regular shower. Second, he said she was with my best friend, I didn’t even know the guy.”
Other dirty dad jokes we think are hilarious
What is the scientific/medical name for Viagra?
Mycoxaflopin
My dad said I should never go to a cheap and sleazy strip club because I might see something I should never see. But I went anyway. And when I got there… I saw my dad.
***
A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon. The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. He asks the female whale “let’s both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.” They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks. However, the seamen manage to swim away, almost reaching shore. The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, asked the female whale “Let’s catch them and eat them up.” But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in: “Look, I did the blow job just like you asked, but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.
***
Dad explains to his son why his sister is called Claire:
“Dad, why is my sister called Claire?”
“Well, it’s an anagram of éclair, which your mother loves a lot.”
“Cool, thanks.”
“No problem, Alan.”
You know your marriage sucks when the only thing that gets erected during the Xmas holidays is the tree.
Chicken eggs are a work of perfection. Why? Because they get laid and don’t even need a c0ck.
Got a job as a s*x toy tester, money is good but it’s a real pain in the butt.
Dad stated he already got this colonoscopy. However, it turns out that he was just full of sh*t.
Related post: Top 100 dirty jokes for her – to make your girl laugh!
Last week I hired a prostitvte philosopher. She blew my mind on so many levels.
Why did that one guy ask the escort for a refund? He said that the bang wasn’t worth his buck.
A busty woman smacked me in an elevator. I was looking at her, and she said, “Can you press one please?”.
My wife asked if she was really the only ‘one’ I had ever been with… I told her that most of the others were eights or nines.
My wife tried to make love to me on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I turned her down. If I’m going to do it, it’s going to have to be on my own Accord.
My son is reaching an age where he’s extremely curious about the human body. I guess that I’ll have to relocate it now.
I’m getting a divorce with my wife and the judge decided that she gets half of my weed stash. I hate joint custody.
What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!
I had to go to the doctor because I’ve been having lots of irregular bowel movements. They diagnosed me with all kinds of weird sh*t.
*** Great dad joke: son asks his dad about protection ***
A man walks into a pharmacy with his 10-year-old son. As they walk by the condoms the boy asks, “What are these Dad?” The man replies “Those are condoms, son. People use them to have safe sex.” “Ok. We learned about that in health class last week,” he said.
The boy points to a package of three and asks “Why are there three in this package?” “Those are for 20-year old men: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday,” the father replies.
“So why are there six in this package?” “Those are for 25-year old men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday,” he explains again.
“Wow!” the boy exclaimed. “Then why are there 12 in this one?” The father sighed, “Those are for dads. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
***
A woman walks around her house completely naked when suddenly she hears the doorbell ring. She asks “Who is this?” A man answers “It’s the blind man”. Re-assured, the woman, still naked, opens the door. The man stares at her, hesitates for a second, then says “ok… so where do you want me to install those blinds?”
My phone keeps autocorrecting “fvck” to “duck.” That’s okay – it’s still fowl language.
Why is it called dad jokes? If it was called mom jokes, they would have a chance of being actually funny.
A dad told his son that he killed 100 people in Vietnam. His son asked:
“I thought you were a plane mechanic?” But the dad admits: “I wasn’t a good one…”
When I was in high school, my dad showed me a ten-minute video of why I should wear condoms… he just showed me a video of me as a child.
I’ll never forget my dad’s last moments with me. He shouted… “No, wait! That one is the break release!” That’s the last time I saw my dad. He’s always wanted me to take over the family’s elevator maintenance company.
I knew I was becoming too much like my dad when I saw the look of disappointment in my mom’s eyes.
My best friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures in the shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.
A mosquito’s grandfather became a divorce lawyer. He was already a bloodsucking parasite, but now he has a briefcase.
My father knows the best jokes about mastvrbation. He says that to make people laugh, they always “come” in handy.
What’s the difference between a vampire and a person suffering from anemia? One sucks blood, and the other’s blood sucks.
A dad says to his wife: “The guys at golf were saying that our mailman has slept with every woman on this street except one…” His wife replies: “I bet it’s Claire!”
*** Great dirty dad joke: the daughter is pregnant ***
A daughter tells her parents that she is pregnant. The dad demands to meet the father of the baby, who arrives in a luxurious car and promises generous financial support. The man reassures the parents: “I cannot raise this child, but I will give you $3 million dollars and a house”.
The dad starts warming up to the idea of welcoming this new baby to the world. He asks what would happen if there are twins. The man replies: “In this case, you will get $6 million, and 2 houses”.
The dad becomes excited but then worries about the possibility of a failed pregnancy. The man doesn’t know what to respond to that and asks the parents “What do you think should happen if the pregnancy fails?”
The father leans in and whispers in the man’s ear: “You f*ck her one more time!!”
***
I couldn’t believe that my dad and mom divorced. My dad always described their marriage as: “Being just like Christmas.” Later, I learned he meant it’s because Christmas only comes once a year.
A cannibal family eats dinner together. But the son, visibly upset and not interested in the food, refuses to eat. The cannibal dad says: “Your mother cooked very long and hard to become this meal and I expect you to eat it.”
I’ve just watched a Netflix documentary on weed. I loved it, and actually… I really think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Dad: The doctor recommended I touch myself whenever I wanted.
Mom: No, he did not. He said you could have a stroke at any time.
I recently came into a bunch of money. That’s unusual for me because I usually use paper tissues because it’s cheaper.
What’s the difference between a set of used car tires and 365 used condoms? One was a ‘goodyear’, the other was a fantastic year!
If sleeping with someone for money is the definition of a wh*re, then I think that I might be a non-profit whoreganisation.
“It’s a boy,” the dad said with emotional tears in his eyes. It was at that moment he decided not to visit Thailand again.
What’s the difference between a funny Chuck Norris joke and too much @nal play? One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak (whole week).
Funny Tweet: Check out this tweet below with a few great ideas:
If you like these dirty dad jokes, you will love our 130 best dirty jokes of all-time!
A mom asks her husband: “How many women have you slept with?”
Dad responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, and then six… six total”
A stoner just used my work to-do list to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.
***
My girlfriend has a kidnapping fantasy. At first it made me uncomfortable, but I decided to be open-minded and give it a try. Then we also made a $50K ransom after snatching some kid on the street.
Not Exactly Dirty, But a Funny Dad Joke (Over 120,000 Likes!)
That’s it, that’s the end of our dirty dad jokes – but make sure you keep laughing with:
or keep reading our “clean” dad jokes:
Other dad jokes
Why do chickens choose to wear their own underwear on their head? Because their pecker is on their face.
My in-laws are mimes. They do unspeakable things. It’s really confusing whenever they visit me.
I asked my wife to tell me something to make me both happy and angry… My wife said that my c0ck was slightly bigger than my brother’s.
I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’ I don’t like my local fire department anymore because of that experience.
Dad said that participation trophies shouldn’t exist. That’s the moment when I tore down his confederate flag.
The chances of someone curing their severe eating disorder with the help of religious healing is slim to nun.
What you don’t want to feel during your annual prostate exam is… two hands resting around your hips.
My mom and dad divorced when my mom realized that my dad was actually a nazi. She should have known when she saw all the red flags.
What can you call a bunny who has a crooked member? F*cks funny.
How many Indian phone scammers does it take to change a light bulb? The entire call center, and usually they’re yelling gibberish while they do it.
How many ‘do it yourself’ buffs does it take to change a light bulb? Luckily only one, but it also takes them six weeks and forty trips to the store before it gets changed. That’s the worst part.
My son just asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears, my son is eleven years old and he still thinks my name is Mark!
What can you call a human being with no body left except for the nose? Nobody knows.
When I was a teenager, my father got fired from his job as a construction worker for stealing. Then I walked home and the signs were all there again.
What can you call bears with no teeth? Gummy bears.
What’s a wizard’s favorite Microsoft Word functionality? Spell check.
Athletes end up with athlete’s foot…. pilots end up with… Missile toe
(Mistletoe is the plant that grows on trees)
My son asked me to “sync” his new bluetooth headphones. So I threw them in the lake.
My wife was upset that I always get lost. So I took all my belongings and I right.
People always say that they pick their noses, but I am pretty sure that I had no choice and was simply born with mine.
In a weird and fatal accident, a photographer was killed when a huge block of cheese landed on him and crushed him. The people who were getting their pictures taken did try to warn him.
(“Cheeeeese!”)
I love bad play on words. Sorry… but that’s just how eye roll.
If you see someone stealing an iPhone, does it mean you have just become an iWitness? (eye witness)
Dad: do you remember our herb garden from last year?
Mom: yes, it was good.
Dad: it was. Good thymes.
The blind man: I am reading chapter four of a book in braille. The bad guy is going to murder someone… trust me, I can feel it.
Unfortunately, I got hit with a Coca Cola can. Don’t worry though, I’m not hurting. It was just a soft drink.
Are you going grocery shopping? remember to get a pickle. It’s a big dill.
A steak pun is a medium rare done well, but wait? Doesn’t that make it a well-done steak pun?
I regret buying shoes from a drug dealer. I have been tripping all day. I think they were laced with something.
Stars Making Dad Jokes
And finally, to end on a good note, watch these dad jokes from Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg:
Related Post:
35 Funniest Dad Memes
I just wanted to experiment… but this threes0me ended up breaking my mariage apart. Next time, i will invite my wife to join.
