Have you ever been impressed by how bad and terrible something is? Well, if you haven’t then this can be quite the transformative experience for you. Because what we have here is some of the worst jokes ever written. Ever.
The genius of these jokes is how purely dumb and just bad they are. We also have a treat for you at the bottom of the page: bad NSFW (Not Safe For Work) jokes for those who like their humor extra dark and raunchy, plus a few videos of some of the most unapologetically lame jokes found on YouTube.
So just get ready for some wonderfully awful puns and unexpectedly silly punchlines. Have a great time!
Best Bad Jokes
What do you call an arrogant felon climbing down a ladder?
A condescending con descending.
The covid lockdowns were really stressful back in 2020 and 2021. Especially for men who were out of work. They lost $1 for every $0.77 lost by women.
What does a person need to think the unthinkable?
Just one big itheberg.
What does Mario say when he’s breaking up with someone?
“It’s not you, it’s-a Me, Mario!”
Prince Andrew comes home one day and finds his girlfriend angry and packing up all her stuff. She tells him that she’s leaving him because people say he is just a ped0phile… With a look of denial and disbelief, Prince Andrew steps back and responds “wait, wait, wait… that’s a big word to use for a 14-year old!”
‘Breaking Bad’ Joke
Walter White: No, I am the one who knock-knocks!
What do you call a person who always points out the obvious?
A person who always points out the obvious.
Just found out the guy who stole my diary died in a car accident. My thoughts are with his family.
Even though I’m happy with my stepladder, I can’t help but feel jealous of my friends who still have their real ladders.
I was excited when my doctor wrote me a prescription for “dailysex” until my wife informed me that it was actually for “dyslexia.”
Why did the investi-gator kill and eat the prime suspect?
Because it was just an alligator wearing a vest.
What does 50 Cent say when you make him a sweater as a surprise?
“Gee, you knit?”
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and snack to eat.
I then taught them about capitalism by disregarding their votes and picking the movie and snack I want because I have all the money.
What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
The tennis ball is thrown into the air while the prince is the heir to the throne.
I still remember grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket.
“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
A little boy set his house on f*re. His dad moved his tearful gaze from the burning house to the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
I asked my Swiss friend what was his favorite thing about his country.
He said, “I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus.”
I just got my son a brand-new trampoline for his birthday. But he’s such an ungrateful little brat; he just sat in his wheelchair and cried when he saw it.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
There’s no way you can breathe through that tiny thing!
A lumberjack tries to cut down a talking tree.
“What do you think you’re doing?” The tree asks furiously. “I’m a talking tree for God’s sake!”
The lumberjack responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you’ll dialogue.”
You should never think of yourself as utterly useless as you can always be used as a bad example.
Two months ago I organized a hide-and-seek tournament for all the children in our family.
It was a complete disaster, though: Little Jimmy took first place, but we still don’t know where he is.
I went to the store and got a new ceiling fan for my bedroom. Now I have buyer’s remorse because he just stands there pointing at it and saying stuff like, “Wow, look how high it is!”
How do you get a tissue to dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Imagine if we switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion!
And we’d all be in hot water if we switched from fahrenheit to celsius!
The gardener was so excited when spring came that she wet her plants!
Why all the gates around cemeteries?
Because people are literally dying to get in!
Considering that every play has a cast, I really think we should stop telling actors to “break a leg.”
Girl: What do you do for a living?
Guy: I work with animals.
Girl: Aw I love animals. Where do you work?
Guy: My family’s slaughterhouse.
Why is challenging Death to a pillow fight a bad idea?
Because nobody’s ever prepared for the reaper cushions.
How is a dildo similar to tofu?
It too is a meat substitute.
Doctor on the phone: I’ve got some bad news, and some really bad news.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first, I guess.
Doctor: The lab results are back: they showed that you’re going to die in 24 hours.
Patient: 24 hours? Oh my God! What could possibly be worse than that, Doc? What’s the really bad news?
Doctor: Well, you didn’t pick up when I called yesterday, so…
I just published my first book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.
You shouldn’t make a “dad joke” if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
My wife said she’d slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t quit writing dumb jokes. I’m not too worried, though, I know she’s just oafz[ji3waofn,avsjd’m qwr;92i3t8ug az vaqbvu;
Why did the recovering alcoholic duck?
To avoid walking into a bar.
My grief counselor was so good at her job that I didn’t even care when she died in a car crash.
Being an egg would suck. Not only do you get laid only once, but it’s also with your own mother!
Why don’t ants get covid?
Because they naturally have anty-bodies.
Wanna know why I don’t trust atoms? Because they make up literally everything.
What’s the most the stupid animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
A few years ago it was socially inappropriate to even mention cosmetic surgery in conversation.
Now I openly talk about Botox all the time and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Have you heard of the band 987 Megabytes?
Didn’t think so, they haven’t be able to get a gig yet.
I got fired from my job as a bank teller today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her off her seat.
I just found out how holy water is made. All you need to do is boil the hell out of it.
My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from our city’s zoo.
Fun fact: the first french fries weren’t cooked in France, they were actually cooked in Greece.
I like playing chess with old people. Although, It’s not convenient having to find 32 old people every time I want to play a quick game.
My dumb friend told me, “nothing rhymes with orange.”
I don’t know what he’s talking about, it clearly doesn’t.
What’s the hardest tea to swallow?
How do you know if a chili pepper is actually an undercover detective?
If it starts getting jalapeño business!
Why don’t I trust stairs?
Because they’re always up to something.
Which knight designed King Arthur’s famed Round Table?
What’s an egg’s favorite car?
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Just cut off its tail. It’ll be delighted!
The statistics say that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
I feel bad for that person.
What’s the difference between a psychic who talks to the dead and a h0rny vampire?
One is a necromancer, the other is a neck romancer.
What did one british bean say to another?
“How you bean?”
You know what job I can really see myself doing?
Why was the little cookie sad?
Because its mommy was a wafer so long.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it abandons you as a child.
I asked a wind turbine what kind of music it was into.
It replied, “I’m a big metal fan.”
How do you get Simba to stop walking so slow?
You tell him to Mufasa!
What’s green and shaped like a table?
A red table painted green.
I don’t know if elephants never hide in trees or if they’re just really good at it.
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
There are three types of people in this world: those who know how to count and those who don’t.
Why was the broom late for work?
What do you call a lying spaghetti noodle?
Why does the golfer always keep an extra pair of pants with him?
In case he gets a hole in one!
What did the ring finger say to the pinky?
“I’m in glove with you.”
My parents raised me as an only child, which really traumatized my younger sister.
A turkey burger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender tells it, “Sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
Everything must’ve been a drag before the invention of the wheel.
Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? Actually, never mind, I really shouldn’t spread it.
Facial hair used to gross me out when I was a little kid, but then it grew on me.
What does a pampered cow produce?
What did the blanket say when it was falling off the bed?
How did the penguin build its house?
Iglooed it together.
The umbrella could easily have been called the brella if the guy who named it hadn’t hesitated.
How did the sick bird regain its health?
It got tweetment.
I finally sold my vacuum cleaner.
It was just collecting dust by this point.
Risky Bad Jokes
Here are a few bad jokes that are a lot more edgy than the ones above.
Maybe don’t share these ones with people who you know aren’t into dark humor because this gets pretty messed up now. Enjoy.
9 out of 10 people agree: a gang r*pe is fun.
My first high-school football game was a lot like the night I lost my virginity.
By the end of it I was all bloody and sore, but at least my dad came.
What’s the difference between a man and a snowstorm?
None: you don’t know how many inches you’ll get, when he’s coming, or how long it will stay.
A girl asks her mom, “Mommy, how do you correctly pronounce ‘scrotum’?” (scrotum is the pouch of skin containing the test!cles)
Her mom responds, “Aw honey, I wish you would’ve asked me last night, it was at the tip of my tongue.”
Why wasn’t the gynecologist worried when he lost his hearing?
Because he already knew how to read lips.
I just read about an IT teacher who m0lested his students.
He’s now a convicted PDF file.
What’s the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually waits till the boy turns 12 before it comes on his face.
A recent study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
That doesn’t surprise me, it’s been at least 4 years since I ate a monkey.
What do a pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common?
Both can smell it but not taste it.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his a$$ of course, he’s not an animal!
I wasn’t close to my mom when she died. Which I’m happy about because she stepped on a landmine.
Why do men always give their jackets to women when they’re cold?
Because who wants head from a woman whose teeth are chattering?
How is banging a h00ker like bungee jumping?
You’re done for if the rubber breaks.
My grandfather is addicted to cialis. Grandma is taking it pretty hard.
What’s the difference between a bullet and a cop?
We can be sure the bullet’s been fired if it mu*dered someone.
What do you call a teen boy who doesn’t play with himself?
What’s my favorite thing about getting head?
It’s eight minutes of peace and quiet.
Say what you will about ped0philes, but at least they drive slowly and very attentively in school zones.
What do you call a child with only three fingers on each hand?
What’s the first thing Cinderella did when she got to the ball?
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One looks at the other and says, “This tastes a little funny, doesn’t it?
How is life like a box of chocolates?
Neither of them last long if you’re fat.