It takes a special person who wants to become a priest. Are you a loner? Fashion impaired? Dateless every Saturday night? Awkward in the sheets? All of the above? Perhaps you should consider joining the priesthood! Just think about all the benefits: housing, clothing, food and car all included! How many jobs actually pay you to drink wine and listen to unlimited number of juicy stories via the confessional? What other job can guarantee you eternal life and what more could you ever hope for?
We must admit that there is an ever so slight downside with becoming a priest. Certain places will become off limits to you: casinos, massage parlors, strip clubs, adult toy stores, toy stores… If you are ok with cutting these things out of your life, then sign on the dotted line. Another downside is perception. You may encounter the occasional parent who pulls their child closer to them when they pass you on the street. A few bad apples have given the priesthood a bad rap. Those losers who have been caught inappropriately offering up their “Happy Meal”. Yes, we’re talking about those creeps who just can’t keep their hands to themselves (a lesson most 4-year-olds easily learn to follow).
Full Disclosure: Some of the jokes are quite tame and others are a bit cringy and you feel uncomfortable. Rest assured that the vast majority will focus on the various hilarious situations a priest may find himself in.
Please keep in mind that all the jokes on this page are meant to be in good fun. At the end of the day, the vast majority of priests are some of the best people you can know.
*** Great priest joke: the priest’s parrots ***
A lady shares with her priest: “Father, I’m in crisis. My two female parrots only say one thing. They say, ‘Hiya, we’re whores. Looking for some fun?'” she says sheepishly. The priests responds: “That’s horrible!” He then pondered and then says “I think I know how to solve this. I have a couple of male parrots who have been trained to pray and read from the Bible. Bring yours here and we’ll put them all in the same cage. My parrots will teach yours to pray.” “Bless you father.” The lady joyfully exclaimed.
The next day, she brought her parrots to the priest’s home. She observed that his parrots were in their cage praying with the rosary beads. She put her parrots inside the cage with his. Immediately, the female carrots shouted “Hiya, we’re whores. Looking for some fun?”. After a few seconds, the male parrots looked at each other and said, “Thank you Almighty God! You have answered our prayers!”
***
Funny short priest jokes
There’s a new Exorcist movie. Satan comes to take the priest out of the kid.
What does a priest like to keep in good form? Every morning he exorcises.
How did the newly arrived nun accidentally get pregnant? When meeting the priest she made the mistake of dressing like a little boy.
My priest would tell the boys, “You should live a sin-free life. Remember, God always sees you whenever you masturb@te.” One day I asked him, “So is God also a pervert?”
Why are Catholic priests and Macy’s alike? Many times you can find boys pants half off.
Twelve priests drown when their boat sinks. At Heaven’s gates, St. Peter meets them. He notices that they are all priests and says, “If any of you are child molesters you can forget about coming inside, just turn around because you’re headed to Hell.” Eleven of them turn around and walk away from the gate. St. Peter then yells after them, “Hey, come get your deaf friend!”
*** Four passengers and only three parachutes ***
Four people are in a plane which is taking a nosedive to the earth. The passengers include: world’s smartest man, most famous doctor, retired priest and a teenage boy. There’s only 3 parachutes onboard.
The doctor grabs a parachute and before he jumps, he shouts “I can save more lives if I survive”. The smartest man grabs a parachute and before he jumps, he shouts “The world needs my high I.Q. if I survive.”
The retired priest tells the teenager “You can have the last parachute. I’ve already lived a full life.” The teenager says, “We can both take a parachute. The smartest man actually grabbed my backpack!”
*** Priest falling asleep ***
Mrs. Johnson went to church to speak with the reverend to discuss a problem: “Reverend, my husband Mr. Johnson is always dozing off during your sermons and I’m quite ashamed. What can I do?” “I know what will work.” shared the minister. “Here’s a stick pin. When I see that he is dozing off, I’ll give you a sign and then you should stick him in his leg. The next Sunday, Mr. Johnson started to doze off. The reverend noticed and knew it was time to act.
“And who died for all of our sins?” he said winking to Mrs. Johnson. “Jesus Christ!!!”, Mr. Johnson shouted after his wife had stuck him with the pin. “Absolutely, Mr. Johnson,” said the reverend.
A few moments later, Mr. Johnson was dozing off again and the reverend noticed. “Who is our almighty savior?” he asked to the people while winking at Mr. Johnson. “My God!” Mr. Mr. Johnson cried after being stuck a second time. “Correct!” said the reverend with a grin.
Once again, Mr. Johnson started to doze off, but the reverend hadn’t paid attention. He was too concentrated on his animated sermon and had inadvertently winked several times in the direction of Mrs. Johnson who misread those winks as signals to her. The reverend asked, “What did Eve say after she gave Adam his 4th son?” Mrs. Johnson stuck her husband who shouted, “If you stick that goddamn thing in me one more time, I will break it and put it up your @ss!”
*** IMPORTANT: Any abuse should be reported and the perpetrator(s) held fully accountable. If you are/were a victim or know someone who was victimized, please seek help from legal authorities whether the action happened recently or years ago.
*** Priest in wartime ***
One day, an old man went to confession. He told the priest, “Father, during the second world war, a stunning woman came to my door seeking refuge from the Nazis so I hid her in the basement. “That’s very generous and selfless, nothing to confess about.” said the priest. “There’s more, Father; I had no self control and made her pay rent for the basement by doing sexual acts. “Hmmmm, well it was a dangerous period and you would have surely been in a lot of trouble if the Nazi’s discovered her. I’m sure that God understands and would still grant you mercy. “Oh bless you Father,” said the old man. “I am so relieved. Can I ask you one more thing?” “Absolutely,” said the priest. “Must I now let her know that the war has ended?”
*** The priest and the underwear ***
One day a priest is going upstairs at the church and ahead of him is a young girl. He notices that she doesn’t have any panties on and calls out to her. She stops and he gives her a $20 bill and says “Please take this money and buy some underwear. It’s not good to be in public not wearing underwear.” When the girl goes home, she gives the money to her mother and explains how she received it. The mother quickly takes off her own underwear, puts on a mini-skirt and heads to the church. When she sees the priest, she starts to walk upstairs. The priest follows her up the stairs and sees that she doesn’t have any underwear on. He then calls out at her. He gives her a $1 bill and says, “Jesus Christ, please take this money and buy a razor!”
*** Free hair cuts ***
A priest goes to get his haircut. At the time to pay, the barber tells him that as he is a man of the cloth, it is free. In the morning, the barber finds 10 rosary beads in his mailbox.
A policeman goes to get his haircut and the barber tells him that because he keeps everyone safe, the haircut is free. In the morning, he finds a gift certificate to Dunkin Donuts in his mailbox.
A lawyer goes to get his haircut and the barber tells him that as he is member of the legal system, the haircut is free. In the morning, he finds a line of attorneys winding around the block all of whom want their free haircut.
*** the priest and the dam rabbits ***
A boy stands in the town square selling rabbits. He was shouting, “Dam rabbits for sale, dam rabbits for sale.” A pastor went up to him and asked why he was saying dam rabbits. The boy said, “I trapped them near the dam, so they’re dam rabbits.” The pastor purchased a couple of rabbits and asked his wife to cook the dam rabbits. His wife looked disappointingly at him and said, “Men of the cloth shouldn’t speak like that.” The pastor told her the reason he said dam rabbits and she went ahead and cooked them. When the family sat down for dinner, the pastor asked his son to give him the dam rabbit. His son replied, “My dad’s hip! Now pass the mother f*cking peas!”
*** Great joke: the nun in the bus ***
A man catches a bus and the only empty seat happens to be next to a very pretty nun. He can’t keep his eyes off of her. He asks if there is any way he could sleep with her. She says no and gets off the bus at the next stop. The man asks the driver how he can meet up with the nun again. The driver tells him that every night at midnight, she goes to a nearby mountain to pray and if he was to dress up like an angel, he can surely trick her into sleeping with him.
Around midnight, he goes to the mountain dressed as angel. He tells her that he was sent by God. She pleads “Please take me to see the Lord”. He says, “You must first sleep with me to prove that you are a true believer”. She says ok, but says it needs to be an@l sex because she wants to remain a virgin. It is cold and dark in the mountains, but they still begin to have s*x. They are both sweating and screaming in delight. When they stop, the man takes off the angel costume and says he has to admit… that he is actually the man from the bus. Just then, the nun takes off her outfit and says “I know, I’m the bus driver!”
*** The priest and the door bell ***
One day a priest is walking through a neighborhood when he sees a little boy trying to ring the doorbell of a house, but the doorbell is too high. The boy tries several times without success. The priest then heads over to the boy and presses the doorbell for him. He bends down to the boys level and asks, “Do you need any more help?” asked the priest. The boy replies, “No father, but now we need to run!”.
*** Good news and bad news ***
A minister announced during his service that he had good news and bad news. He says, “The good news is that we have enough money to organize a holy trip. The bad news is that the money is still in your pockets!”
*** Finding a priest in heaven ***
A young couple had died of food poisoning the night before they were to be married. When they arrived to Heaven, they asked St. Peter about marrying in Heaven. St. Peter said he needed to research this request as it had never come up before. It was many weeks before St. Peter returned. In the meantime, the couple wondered what would happen if for some reason the marriage failed and if they would be stuck together forever. Finally, when St. Peter returned, he confirmed that it would be possible to marry in Heaven. The man then inquired, “We were curious, what could be done if the marriage failed? St. Peter immediately went ballistic and screamed angrily at the couple. “It took me several weeks to finally be able to locate a priest here in Heaven. How the hell long do you expect it will be to locate a lawyer?
*** The nun and Psalm 129 ***
One day a priest offered a nun to drive her home. As she got into the car, she crossed her legs and through the habit exposed a leg. The priest got overly excited and nearly wrecked the car. He steadied the wheel and slowly put his hand up her leg. The nun then said, “Father, do you recall Psalm 129?” The priest quickly removed his hand.
As he changed gears, he once again slid his hand up her leg a second time. The nun repeated what she said, “Father, do you recall Psalm 129?” The priest was embarrassed and ashamed “I apologize sister, the flesh is weak…”
Arriving at the convent, the nun looked sad as she left the car. Once he arrived at the church, the priest quickly read Psalm 129. It read, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory!”
Moral of the story: If you are not well prepared in your job, you will surely lose out on a great opportunity.
***
An old man was dying, and he was adamant about taking all of his money with him. He gathered his doctor, his attorney and his priest at the hospital. He gave them each $30,000 in cash and said. “I trust that each one of you will put the money into the casket at my funeral. When the man died, the doctor, attorney and priest were each seen putting an envelope into the casket. As they were riding together after the burial, the priest burst out in tears confessing that he only put $15,000 in the envelope because the church needed a new roof. Next the doctor said that as they’re being honest, he only put $5,000 in the envelope because the hospital needed a new MRI machine. The lawyer was outraged and chastised the other two. “You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Let the record show that the envelope I left included a personal check for the entire amount of $30,000!”
***
For 5 years a couple in a little village had tried without success to conceive a child. They decided to seek help from their priest. He tells them that as luck will have it, on Saturday he leaves for Rome where he has been transferred. He tells them that he will say some prayers and light a candle at St. Peter’s Basilica for them. After 12 years, the priest returns to the little village where he once lived. He immediately goes to the home of the childless couple. Outside the door, he hears crying, yelling and all out commotion. The wife opens the door with a child in each arm, 2 other children have grabbed ahold of each leg and at least 5 more are chasing each other around the house. “I’m so glad to see that God has answered my prayers when I lit that candle years ago. I’d like to congratulate your husband as well.” says the priest. “You’ll have to wait a few days father. He’s on his way to Rome to extinguish that damn candle!”
***
Ana grew up Catholic and with her first husband they had 10 kids. He died and with her second husband, she had and had 10 more kids. Years later, Ana died just a few days following the death of her second husband. At the funeral, the priest says “We can all be joyful because after all these years, they are finally together.” At the end of the services, Ana’s sister asked the priest if he was talking about the first or second husband when he spoke of finally being together. He replied “Neither, after having 20 kids, I meant her knees.”
***
There was once a priest of an English village who had 5 hens and 1 rooster. Early Sunday morning, he discovered that the cock was missing. He was worried that someone took it in order to engage it to fight with other cocks. Before beginning the mass, he asked. “Who has a cock?”. All the males raised their hands. “No, I wanted to actually ask, who has seen my cock? All the females raised their hands. “No, let’s try this again. Who has seen someone else’s cock? Half the women raised their hands. “No, you’re not understanding. I wanted to know, who has seen MY cock? 5 altar boys, 2 priests, 1 nun and a sheep raised their hands/hoof.
*** girl confessing to a priest ***
A little girl was going to confession one day:
Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”
Priest: “What did you do child?”
Girl: “I called a man an *sshole.”
Priest: “What made you call him an *sshole?”
Girl: “Because he touched my shoulder.”
Priest: “Like this?” (the priest touches her shoulder)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s not a good reason to call a man an *sshole.”
Girl: “Then he touched my bottom.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as the priest touches her bottom)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s not a good reason to call him an *sshole.”
Girl: “Then he removed my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he removes her clothes)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s still not a good reason to call him an *sshole.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his wiener into my private area.”
Priest: “Like this?” (the priests then puts his wiener into her private area)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s still not a good reason to call him an *sshole.”
Girl: “But father he had HIV!”
Priest: “That *SSHOLE!”
***
A priest is swimming when he gets a cramp and starts to drown. A nearby man in a boat comes along and tries to help. The man says, “I’m fine, God will rescue me.” the priest continues to struggle when a second man in a boat comes and tries to help. The man shouts, “Let me be, God will rescue me.” A few minutes later, the priest ends up drowning. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter meets him and the priest says that he is disappointed that God never rescued him. St. Peter looks at him sternly and says, “Well… who do you think sent you these two rescue boats???”
A beautiful woman and an old man get into a car accident. Both cars are nearly totaled, but no one is injured. They get out of the cars and the woman bats her eyes and says, “I’m a woman alone and you look like a distinguished, intelligent man. Our cars look terrible, but thank God we are ok. It must be a sign from God for us to meet.” She bats her eyes again. “I think you are right” says the man obviously enamored. “Wow, my car is so broken, but my champagne bottle didn’t break. I’m sure God wants us to toast this special moment.” she says. The man grabs the bottle from her and while smiling he pops the cork and drinks nearly half the bottle. He then gives it to her. She tosses the bottle into a nearby garbage bin and tells him, “No thanks. The police should be here soon!”
Why is a priest like acne? Both are at risk to come on a boy’s face.
***
A priest and a rabbi are close friends who decide to go camping. They get into an intellectual conversation regarding the life of Adam and Eve. They then decide to go skinny dipping. Suddenly two couples emerge from the woods nearby. One couple actually belongs to the priest’s parish and by coincidence the other couple belongs to the rabbi’s synagogue. The priest and the rabbi are too far from their clothes but they still make a dash to take cover. The priests puts his hands over his pen*s while the rabbi puts his hands over his face. “What are you doing?”, the priest asks. “In my synagogue, everyone knows my face!” says the rabbi.
***
One day 4 Catholic mothers met up for coffee and started bragging about their kids. One mother says, “My son is a priest, he’s greeted with “Father” wherever he goes.” “My son’s a Bishop,” says another woman. “He’s greeted with “Your Grace” wherever he goes.” “Well my son’s a cardinal. He’s called “Your Eminence” wherever he goes.” she says snidely. The fourth mother sips her coffee and doesn’t say anything. “Well..?”, the others ask in unison. She replies, “My son is a tall, muscled, male stripper. He’s greeted with “My God” wherever he goes!”
***
A man went to church to confess one day and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks what sin have he committed and the man replies that he dropped the F bomb recently. The priest says, “just say four Hail Marys and try not to let it happen again.”
The man says that he should also confess to why he used the F-word.
The priest says, “Very well, tell me.”
“Last Sunday, I skipped mass in order to play golf with friends.”
The priest asks, “And you swore because you were mad about your decision?”
The man replied, “No, on the first tee I hit the ball into the trees.”
The priest asked, “And that’s why you dropped the F bomb?”
The man replied, “No father. A groundhog took the ball and ran up a tree.”
The priest asked, “So that’s when you dropped the F bomb?
The frustrated man replied, “No father, a hawk then flew over and captured the groundhog with its claws and then flew away.”
The priest then sighed and asked once more, “Is that when you dropped the F bomb?”
The man then said, “No, the hawk flew over the green and the dying groundhog dropped the golf ball and it landed within a few inches of the hole.
The priest then screamed, “Don’t say that you missed the f*cking putt!
***
One day an elderly woman asks her priest if she will go to Heaven or Hell when she dies. The priest asks her, “Do you still have your own teeth?” The women says, “No, only a dental plate.” The priest then says, “You will absolutely go to Heaven because the people in Hell can only hear crying and teeth gnashing!”
Michael’s folks sent him to Catholic schools because he was struggling in math. After his first day, he comes home, goes to his bedroom and immediately does his homework. “I’m so proud to see how hard you are working.” says his mother. “Well,” Michael replies, “today when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew right away that they don’t take no sh*t!”
The downside about being Catholic is that you’re always standing, sitting or kneeling. The priest can never settle on a good position to f*ck you over.
***
One day a priest in a small village told the 3 most wholesome nuns that they can commit one sin and he would then absolve them. The next day, one of the nuns was giggling and told the priest that she slept with a married man. He told her to drink some holy water and he absolved her of the sin. A second nun had a more boisterous giggle and she told the priest that she stole some chocolate from the pantry. He also told her to drink some holy water and he absolved her as well. The third nun had non-stop laugher and could hardly speak. The priest asked what sin she committed. “I relieved myself in the holy water!” she confessed.
***
A rabbi, priest, and a minister decide to go fishing together in a boat. During the trip, the priest needs to go to the bathroom, but he didn’t want to disturb the other two. He walks across the water, relieves himself and then returns to the boat. An hour later, the minister also needs to go to the bathroom so he also walks across the water, relieves himself and returns to the boat. At last, the rabbi needs to empty his bladder. He begins to step out of the boat and with his first step, he falls in the water and starts flailing his hands trying to stay afloat. The other two help him back into the boat and the priest says to the rabbi, “I’m sorry, we should have told you where the rocks were.”
Stevie is walking down the street when he passes by a priest walking towards him. Stevie asks the priest why he is wearing the collar the opposite way. The priest says, “This is the way all fathers wear them.” Stevie says that his dad has 5 kids, but still wears his collar differently. The priest replies that Stevie is confused and that he has hundreds of kids. Stevie then says, “Wow! Maybe it’s better if you wear your underwear the opposite way!”
***
On vacation in Bangkok
Fr. Tom and Fr. Matthew went on vacation to Bangkok and didn’t want to be noticed as priests so they dressed as “regular” people on vacation would dress. Once they arrived, they went shopping for tourist clothing including shirts, shorts and sandals. The next day, they went to the beach donning their vacation attire. While they were having a tropical drink, a beautiful redhead wearing a string bikini walked pass them and said, “Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father!” They were shocked. How on earth could she possible know they were priests?. Later that day, they bought more clothing with all kinds of crazy designs so that they would better blend in. The next day, they returned to the beach and the same gorgeous redhead came up to them and again said “Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father.” Puzzled beyond belief, Fr. Tom needed to know why they looked like priests. “Excuse me miss, but we’re totally dumbfounded. How did you know that we were priests?” She replied, “Father Tom, it’s me Sister Mary Theresa, can’t you tell?”
***
Did Matthew steal any of the offerings?
Every Sunday, Matthew’s job was to handle the offerings at church. One Sunday, following mass, Fr. Charles thought that the amount collected was less than expected especially as the church had been packed. He went to Matthew and asked him about the amount. Matthew denied taking any of the money. Fr. Charles instructed Matthew over to the confessional. Inside, the priest asked, “Matthew, did you steal from the offerings?” Matthew answered, “Sorry father, I can’t hear you.” Fr. Charles repeated the question many more times, but Matthew kept insisting that he couldn’t hear him. Frustrated, the priest shouted, “Matthew, did you steal from any of the offerings?!” Once again, the reply was “Sorry father, I can’t hear you.” Now fuming, the priest got out of the confessional and told Matthew to switch sides and to ask him a question. So, they switched sides and Matthew asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are sleeping together?” The priest replied, “Oh Lord Matthew you are right, I can’t hear anything in here either!”
***
A priest drips holy water on a man’s head 3 times as he says “At this point, your name is Samuel and you will no longer sin when it comes to smoking marijuana.” Later, the man goes home and takes a marijuana cigarette from a drawer and then drips the water from tap 3 times while saying “At this point, you will no longer be known as marijuana.”
***
After mass, the priest went up to a young parishioner and says, “Sharon, I want to congratulate you on your pregnancy. Your mother recently told me you’re expecting.”
“What?”, she asked confused.
“She said that you had been praying to St. Gerard.”
Obviously embarrassed, she says, “I’m sorry father, mom needs to update her hearing aid and stop listening to my private phone calls! I’m not pregnant, but I’ve been laying with a St. Bernard!”
***
One a priest and a nun were playing basketball. The priest tried to make a basket and said “Mother F*ck, I missed the basket!” The nun told him that he shouldn’t use swear words. The priest tries to shoot again, but the ball only hits the net and he says “Mother F*ck, I missed again!” The nun then tells him that he better not continue to curse or God will strike him down. He tries once more to make a basket, but the ball hits the rim and bounces off. He shouts “Mother F*cking ball!” Just then, a lightning bold comes from the sky striking the nun and instantly killing her. The clouds dissipate and a thundering voice is heard saying, “Mother F*ck, I missed!”
***
One day, a priest sees a group of young boys playing near the church. He asks them, “What are you up to?” One boy replies, “Nothing really, just playing a game. Whoever can tell the biggest lie about their sex life wins the game.” The priest then says, “That’s highly inappropriate. When I was your age, sex never entered my mind.” The boy then replies, “Game over, father wins!”.
A priest was taking a nature walk when he came upon a very sad frog. “What’s wrong?”, the priest asked. “Well,” said the frog, “I used to be a boy. I was walking in the forest and passed by a witch. I said to her out of my way witch and then she turned me into a frog!” “Oh no! How do we remove the spell?” asked the priest “I believe that if a benevolent person takes me home and puts me to sleep on their pillow, it should make me human again. The priest picked up the frog and took him home. He gave him food and put him to sleep on his pillow. In the morning, the priest woke up next to a 12 year old altar boy. Unfortunately, the detective didn’t believe this story so the priest remains behind bars.
A young priest gets lost while hiking in the Amazon and stumbles upon a secluded tripe. They haven’t seen another human outside of the tribe in 2 decades. They see him with strange clothing and magical gadgets. The chief thinks he is a god sent for them to worship, but they must put him to the test. They tell him that if he passes the 3 tests, it will prove he is a god and they will forever worship him and tend to him forever. He happily agrees to the tests. They take him to 3 huts. They explain that in the first one, there are 15 gallons of their native alcohol. He has 10 hours to drink it all. The next hut has tiger with a bad tooth. He must pull the tooth. The last hut has the most beautiful woman of the tribe. He must have sex with her until she’s exhausted. The man happily confirms that he will take the tests. He enters the first hut and before the 10 hours has passed, he drank all of the alcohol. They ask him if he wants to sleep a bit before continuing to the next hut. He says no and stumbles around to the next hut. After 1 hour, he comes out full of scratches all over his face and body. Some of his hair looks like it was pulled out. He looks at the chief and asks, “OK, I’m ready for that beautiful girl with the bad tooth!”
One day, a man who clearly had been drinking, went into a church and entered the confessional. The drunken man said nothing. After a few minutes of silence, the priest cleared his throat to indicate that he was waiting for the individual to say something. After another few minutes of silence, the priest taps the wall a few times to prod the person to speak. The man then says, “Sorry, can’t help you, my side run out of toilet paper!”
An old Irishman decides to go to confession after leaving the Church many years ago. He sees a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. There’s also a shelf full of cigars, snacks and a stack of magazines. The priest then enters the confessional. The old man says, “Father, please forgive me. I must admit I haven’t been to confession in several years. It’s so amazing how modern the confessional has become. I love it and promise to come more often. The priest then replies, “I’m glad to hear it. Now, please get come out because you’re on the wrong side!”
Why is a clown like a priest? Both of them know how to make kids cry.
A couple of American students are backpacking through France. As they had no plans on Sunday, they decided to go to mass. They didn’t know much French so they weren’t sure how to follow along. One of the students suggested that they simply follow the actions of any male they see. They found one and sat directly behind him. When he stood, so did they. When he knelt, so did they. There was a point when the priest said something in French and the man stood so they went along and stood as well. Before they knew it, the whole church erupted into laughter. They realized that they must have made a mistake, but weren’t sure what exactly happened. When the mass was over, they went up the priest who spoke a little English. They explained how they tried to fit in, but obviously didn’t succeed. The priest grinned and said, “No worries. It’s just that today is Father’s Day and I had congratulated parents who recently had their son baptized. I asked for the new father to stand and be recognized.
There was an old church that had a bell which was no longer working properly so it was no longer used. One Sunday, a boy said it was his birthday if he could ring the bell. The priest said that as it was his birthday, he could try. As the boy ran up the stairs to the tower, he tripped on the last step, let out a scream and fell headfirst into the bell. The priest and a few churchgoers raced up to the tower and found the boy knocked out. The priest asked the group if anyone recognized the child. No one had any idea who he was. As they tried to revive him, priest said “I have no idea who this poor child is, but his face definitely rings a bell!”
A priest and a taxi driver both arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets them and takes them to their new homes. For the taxi driver, a stunning home looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. Expecting an even bigger home, the priest was disappointed when he was shown a studio apartment with a view of an alley. “St. Peter, I’m a confused,” the priest began. “I have dedicated my life to being the Lord’s servant. Why did the taxi driver get this stunning home, and I only get this small studio?” St. Peter grinned. “Up here, delivering results is important. Whenever you preached, people fell asleep, but every time he drove fast, people would pray.”
A truck driver was traveling on highway when he sees a priest who is hitchhiking. He decides to pullover and offer him a lift. They are having good conversation, but suddenly the truck driver sees a homeless man walking on the highway. He quickly turns the wheel in an effort to avoid hitting him. There’s a thump and a loud scream. The driver immediately stops the truck and he and the priest get out. Down the road they see the body of the man laying on the side. “I could have sworn that I missed hitting him!” the trucker said frantically. “You DID avoid hitting him, but luckily I got him with the door!” said the priest.
Following the combined church revival, the 3 pastors were reviewing the results. The Methodist minister said, “We did wonderfully! 6 new families have joined our church!” The Baptist preacher said, “We also did as well and added 6 new families to our church.” The Presbyterian pastor said, “We are thrilled with revival because we were able to rid ourselves of our 12 worst families!”
Why is a silver medalist runner like being a priest? They’re both familiar with getting a little behind.
A Priest and a rabbi enter a bar.
The bartender says, “No. No. No. Jokes aren’t allowed here, so if that is what you are, just turn around and get out!”
As they all leave, in comes a chicken. “Chickens aren’t allowed in this bar!” says the bartender.
“Any idea where I can get a drink?”
“Yes, just cross the road!”
Why are you suppose to say father when greeting a priest in public. Because he prefers daddy is used only in private.
Why was the debt ridden churchgoer exorcised? When he couldn’t pay back the church, he was repossessed.
How would you describe people who attend both Catholic and Buddhist services. Bisectuals.
During the baptism, why did the priest submerge the whole baby in holy water? He believes in always cleaning sex toys.
Why isn’t a blind boy like a Catholic boy? The blind boy will never see a priest coming.
A young woman goes to confession and tells the priest that she thinks she’s pregnant.
“How?”, asks the priest.
“The second coming I’m sure.”
“Why do you say such a thing?” says the surprised priest.
“The first one I ingested.” she replied.
Why are Catholic lesbians so happy during Lent? Because the pope says that it’s ok for beaver to be served on Fridays.
One day, a policer stopped a priest on the freeway. There was a strong smell of wine in the car and he noticed an opened bottle of wine. He asked the priest if he had anything to drink. The priest said he only had water. The officer then asked how was that possible that he smelled wine in the car.
“Jesus is up to his pranks again!”, exclaimed the priest.
A 90 year old virgin decides to go to confession. He tells the priest that he had a threesome with 2 young models and that it lasted for 3 hours nonstop. The priest asked him how long it was since his last confession. “This is my first time father, I’m Jewish.” he explains. “But why have you mentioned all of this to me?” asked the priest. “I’m mentioning it to anyone who will listen!” says the old man.
Little Timmy was going to his friend’s house one day and he put all his toys in his little red wagon. As he was walking he had to go up a hill. The wagon was heavy to pull and Timmy started to swear. He was saying “This damn wagon is so hard to pull”. He repeated those words as he continued up the hill. A minister heard him and came out of the house. He told him he shouldn’t be cursing because God is everywhere and can hear everything. Timmy asked the minister if God is everywhere, does it mean that he’s also in the wagon. The minister said yes, he was there too. Obviously frustrated, Timmy responded “For Christ’s sake, can you please tell him to get the hell off the wagon and help me pull it?!”
