In Junior high school, I had a teeshirt that read “I’m a proud Polack, (x’d out) Puluck, pallock, pololack, (all crossed out) POLLOCK!!! In this post, I will share with you the funniest Polish jokes, memes and videos.
I also wanted to say that all these polish jokes are meant to be good fun… I tried to stay respectful because ultimately I love Poland and my Polish friends and family too much!
1. Let’s start with a few short & funny jokes
- Why did a Polish man put ice cubes in his condom? To reduce swelling.
- What’s the one thing in common between a smart Polish man and a wizard? They are both imaginary people.
- How do you stop the Polish cavalry? You unplug the carousel.
- How does a Polish person learn which way to put your underwear? Brown in the back, and yellow in the front.
- A woman got mugged, and the police found several Polish suspects. In the usual line-up the police bring the woman in the room. One of the Polish suspects stepped forward and yells “I recognize her – it’s her!”.
- How do you know when you have crossed Germany and arrived in Poland? You can see toilet paper sheets drying on the clothes lines.
- A helicopter crashed. The Polish driver got cold, so he decided to turn the fan off.
- What did the Polish mom say when her daughter became pregnant? “Are you sure the baby is yours?”
2. funny Polish memes
The funniest jokes sometimes come in a meme format:
As a person of Polish descent, I found it amusing…I also owned “The Official Polish joke book”. I bought my friend “The official Italian joke book”. The jokes fell out of favor for a while and I was tickled to see they are returning. If you can’t laugh at yourself…
And finally, one last meme before we get to our leaderboard showing the best Polish jokes
3. Polish Jokes Leaderboard – Most Upvoted Pollack Jokes
Find below the list of the funniest Polish jokes:
- 54A Polish man goes to the eye doctorA Polish man goes to the eye doctor for new prescription glasses. The eye doctor sets him and up and shows a board on the wall with a series of small letters “PCZWAKOZDSXKI”... The doctor then asks the Polish man: “Can you read these letters for me?”… The polish man responds: “Can I read this? I even know the guy!"
- 45Polish man married to an American ladyA Polish man immigrates to the United States. He doesn’t speak English very well but still ends up marrying an American woman. One day though, he ends up going to a divorce laywer, and asks how to go about setting up a divorce. The lawyer asks a few questions: Lawyer: “Do you have any grounds?”. Polish man: “Yes, we have little house… with garden. Is nice.”, Lawyer: “I mean… do you have any foundation for this case?” Polish man: “yes, concrete foundation”. Lawyer” “Ok…. Well, tell me about your wife. Does your wife beat you up?” Polish man: “no, I am always first one up”. Lawyer “Well, is she a nagger?” Polish man: “No, she white”. Lawyer: “why do you want a divorce?”. Polish man: “I think she is going to poison me.” Lawyer, surprised “oh, why do you think that?”. Polish man: we argued, and the next day, she got several bottles at drugstore and it was written on them: ‘Polish Remover’…
- 41Chemicals and Nail PolishUse chemicals to remove polish and no one even cares. Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you are literally Adolf Hitler.
- 35I don't think you know how this works...Leon the Pole came home one day from work, and walked into his bedroom shouting "Honey I’m home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife He was so angry he pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!”
- 34Learn from your mistakes?Why does the new Polish navy have glass bottom boats? To see the old Polish navy!
- 34No escape!!!In Poland’s largest mall there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalator for HOURS!
- 34The OlympicsLeon the Pole won a Gold medal at the last Olympics. He was so proud when he returned home that he had the medal bronzed!
- 33Two Polish officers find a monkeyTwo Polish police officers walk down the street in Warzaw. They suddenly notice a monkey walking around the street. Puzzled, they try to figure out what to do. The first Policeman suggests to the second “This monkey seems to be all by himself with no caregiver or owner. Do you think you could catch him, and take him to the Zoo?” The second Policeman agrees, manages to catch the monkey, and now tells the first Policeman that he is going to take the monkey to the zoo, and come back. The first Policeman continues his tour, but after an hour, notices that the second policeman is still not back, and is not reachable. 2 hours go by, then 3 hours go by…. Until finally the second Policeman comes back… but he still has the monkey! The first Policeman, puzzled, asks “Why were you gone for 3 hours, and why do you still have the monkey? Did the Zoo not want him?”. The second Policeman responds “No… I took him out to the zoo, as you suggested. We had a very nice time. Now I’m thinking about taking him out to the aquarium.”
- 31Catch!What should you do if a Polish soldier throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin out and throw it back!
- 30House FlippersLeon the Pole and his friend Jan are building a house . Leon is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally Jan comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those were pointed on the wrong end." Jan gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!”
- 30Statistics don't lie!A Polish couple decided to only have four children because they heard that one out of five babies is born Chinese.
- 30Careful what you say!Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Pole, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Pole. He looks around and shouts “Fire!"
- 30Polish man in charge of suppliesA warehouse manager hires 3 new employees: an Italian, a German, and a Polish. He tells the Italian “You are in charge of inventory management”, the German “You are in charge of accounting” and the Polish “You are in charge of supplies”. Toward the end of the day, the manager checks in on the new employees again, but can only find the Italian and the German. The Polish guy is nowhere to be found. They all search around the warehouse, but he is nowhere to be seen. Since it is now 5:00pm, they figure they might as well go home. As they head out the door, out of nowhere, the Polish guy jumps in front of them, arms wide open - and yells “Supplies!!!!!!!!”
- 29We aren't getting any deeper!Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea? Five men died trying to dig his grave.
- 28The cow jumped over the moon?A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..." The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Whoo, whoo, whoo..." The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."
- 28STRIKE!How do you tell the Groom at a Polish wedding? He’s the one with a clean bowling shirt
- 27I almost caught it!Why do Polish dogs have flat noses? From chasing parked cars
- 27They sure know how to build them!How do you sink a Polish battleship? Put it in the water!
- 27It's DUCK season!Two Polish hunters were walking along One said to the other, “How come we aren’t catching any ducks? his friend thought about it then said, “Maybe we aren’t throwing the dog high enough?”
- 27Round and round they go...How do you stop the Polish Cavalry? Turn off the Carousel
- 27Like a good neighbor...Leon the Pole went into his local shipping store and asked if they had a box two inches high, two inches wide, and 108 inches long. The clerk said, “I guess we could tape several mailing tubes together? What are you shipping?” Leon said, “My neighbor moved away but forgot a few things so I want to mail him his garden hose”
- 26A polack and a chicken in a barA Polack walked into a bar with a chicken under his arm. The bartender sees them and says "Why are you bringing that big pig in here?" The polack answers "That's not a pig, it's a chicken!". The bartender replies "Hey, I was asking the chicken."
- 25Ready...Aim...Did you hear about the Polish firing squad? They stand in a circle
- 24Makes senseHow do you get a one armed Pole out of a tree? Wave to him!
- 23Couldn't find the right boots either!Leon the Pole had to sell his water-skis He couldn’t find a lake with a hill in it.
- 23Classic!How many Poles does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five-one to hold the bulb and four to turn the chair
- 23Ice Cubes in PolandWhy do Polish people no longer have any ice cubes? Because the grandmother with the recipe passed away.
- 22Quiet PleaseTragedy at the Polish National Library Someone stole the book.
- 20Well, they CAN be hard to find!Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side? So the officers can find the handles!
- 17Who is it?Polish knock-knock joke: Friend A: “Knock-Knock”... Friend B: “Come in!”
4. The Funniest Polish Videos
Finally, some of the best jokes come in a video format. We have selected for you short videos featuring the funniest Polish jokes across the internet.
When you ask a Polack for his name… (wait for the end of the video!)
Norm Doesn’t Like Polish Jokes… But Still Makes a Good Polish Joke
Famous US Comedian Norm McDonald (RIP) had a Polish descent:
Comedian Jimmy Carr shares a quick Polish joke – calls out Polish people as being the most hard-working and diligent workers in Europe:
Here is a video to help you learn Polish: