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The Absolute Best New Zealand and Kiwi Jokes on the Internet in 2023

New Zealand is a beautiful, wholesome country with a fascinating and rich history. Unfortunately, we’re not here today to talk about any of that, instead we’re here to make fun of the whole country and the wonderful people who live there. It’s mean and awful, yes, but it’s also funny and Kiwis are known to have a good sense of humor, so we’re sure they can take a joke, or in this case 35.

Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand?
Cuz God couldn't find a virgin.

New Zealand and Kiwi Jokes

What did the Kiwi say to the Israeli to greet him?
He, brew.

What’s the most appropriate time to go down on your Kiwi girlfriend?
Eight PM.

I asked my Kiwi friend, “What’s a hindu?”
He answered, “it lays iggs.”

Kiwi farmer and his sheep

A Kiwi farmer has 796 sheep.
Realizing that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm and his loyal sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog, in fact, a whole team of dogs to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs, he notices that they looked very fit, but were young and probably untrained. The shopkeeper asks the Kiwi farmer if he needs help.

“Why yes,” says the farmer. “I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”

The shopkeeper says, “I’ve got just the dog for you.” And leads the farmer into a small backroom, where a sheepdog is sitting by himself.

“Are you sure?” asks the farmer, “I have so many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”

“I’m sure,” says the shopkeeper. “This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes,” says the dog, “I know seven languages, four martial arts and I have a degree in astrophysics.” He then offers the farmer his hand to shake. The farmer, in disbelief, shakes the dog’s hand and turns to the shopkeeper, “I’ll take him!”

That afternoon, the Kiwi farmer and the dog walk together uphill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. “Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of these sheep.”

“Okay,” replies the dog. “You have eight hundred sheep.”


Why does the Kiwi Uber driver oppose building a bridge between New Zealand and Australia?
Because he’d get only two stars.

New conspiracy theory: the makers of The Lord of the Rings movies filmed them in New Zealand instead of America because they knew America’s Two Towers were going to go down mid-production.

Why is a Kiwi escort considered two thirds of a person?
Because of the recurring SIX.

Hate to break it to you New Zealand, but you’re not that new!

I once played golf with a Kiwi.
PETA is still on my a$$ about it.

What does a virgin Kiwi have in common with Shrek?
They’re both fictional characters.

I like to chop up and eat one gay New Zealander everyday.
My wife tells me to stop referring to kiwifruit that way.

‘Two new zealanders’ joke

Two New Zealanders, John and Mila, are walking down the streets of Sydney while on vacation.
John happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign says, “Suits: $10.00 each, Shirts: $4.00 each, Pants: $5.00 per pair.”
John says to his friend, “Mila, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and we’ll make a fortune whin we get beck home.”
“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie ixcint.”
“No worries”, smiled Mila, “I’ll keep quiet.”
They go in and John says, “I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck my truck up and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?”
“Ummm… Yis,” says a startled John. “How the hill dud you know thet?”
The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”


What does a Kiwi couple say when breaking up?
Let's just be cousins.
Aww, Kiwis are so friendly, even during breakups!

Why did the Kiwi choose to drink at his place instead of going to the bar?
Because it’s home, brew.

What do you call a bee from New Zealand?

Have you seen the mountains on the South Island of New Zealand?
They’re Remarkable… s

New Zealand’s name was almost changed to Middle Earth, but the opposition was just way too precious about the whole situation.

I was seated next to my ex and her parents on my flight to New Zealand.
It was Auckland!

A chimpanzee opened a brothel in New Zealand. He says that they accept all customers and don’t discriminate as all of his workers are pan.

The Aussi and the Kiwi

An Aussie went into a bar and sat next to a Kiwi who was chewing gum. The Kiwi chewing the gum asked the Aussie if they eat bread in Australia. The Aussie said, “Of course! We eat bread then recycle the crumbs to make cereal for Kiwis.” The Kiwi chewing the gum nodded and asked if they eat bananas in Australia. The Aussie said, “Of course! We eat bananas then recycle their peels to make smoothies for Kiwis.” The Kiwi chewing the gum nodded again and finally asked if they have sex in Australia. The Aussie said, “Of course! And we always use condoms then recycle them to make gum for Kiwis.”


Best Kiwi Sheep Jokes

Here are a few crude ones for those who’re into super offensive jokes. There are a lot of sheep, aka “sheep-shagging” jokes about New Zealand, we’ve included only the funniest and most clever ones.

What's New Zealand's favorite love song?
I Will Always Love Ewe

I asked Kiwi if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000 dollars.
The Kiwi said, “Sure, but under three conditions.”
“First, the sheep must be examined by a veterinarian to make sure it doesn’t have any diseases.”
“Secondly, you can’t tell anyone about this.”
“And finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you.”

I just found out that New Zealand’s sheep population is five times its human population.
Considering this, you’d think the sheep would be the ones fu*king the people and not the other way around.

What do you call a Kiwi whose body count is over 100?
A shepherd.

A Kiwi sheep shearer gets a job in Australia.
At the lunch break of his first day in the shearing shed, he drops his pants, pulls his d1ck out, grabs a sheep and starts fu*king it. The Aussies disgustingly look at him, shake their heads and mutter, “Bloody Kiwis.”
Then one old farmer approaches the Kiwi and says, “At least shear the sheep after you’re finished.”
The Kiwi scowls at him and yells, “I’m not shearing thus sheep wuth innybody!”

Why do horses from New Zealand run so fast?
Because they’ve seen what happens to the sheep.

Why don’t Kiwi soccer players take their girlfriends to their games?
Because they eat all the grass.

How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?
Impossible to resist.

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep in his arms.
His wife is reading a book in bed. The man says, “This is the pig I fu*k when you’re tired.”
The wife thinks he’s joking and starts laughing, “You’re really silly, honey. Also that’s a sheep, not a pig!”
The man says, “Oh, I was talking to the sheep.”

What do you call a Kiwi who transports sheep?
A s3x trafficker.

Scientists in New Zealand have discovered three new uses for sheep!
Meat, milk and wool.

Joke about a scientist in Wales

An old behavioral scientist is close to retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He’s spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research.

This assistant sees an opportunity to mess with his boss and decides he’ll play a prank on the old man, so he suggests the scientist research “sheep shagging.” The scientist likes the idea and decides that’s exactly what he’s going to do.

And so he heads off to Wales to begin his research. He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to ask about his unnatural habits. The scientist introduces himself and asks if the farmer’s got time to answer a couple of quick questions.

“No problem boyo,” says the farmer. “Go right ahead.”
“Well,” started the scientist. “What I’d like to know first is do you own any sheep here?”

“Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We’ve got loads of ’em.”
“Great, now the next question is rather personal: do you ever use the sheep for sex?”

“Ohh, too right boyo. There’s three or four out there who are my favorites.”
“So, how exactly do you… do it?”

“Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo.”

The scientist thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Aussies, he heads out to Australia with the same exact plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.
“Round up the sheep, head ’em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvelous mate!”

Again, the scientist thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he flies off to the world center of sheep shagging, New Zealand. When he arrives in New Zealand he drives around the countryside looking for a farm and manages to find the biggest one in the whole of the country. ( He meets the owner of the farm and repeats his questions.

“Of course bro! I usually stick their beck ligs in me wellies, front ligs over me shoulders and away we go!”

“So the sheep faces you? Fascinating. I’ve been talking to people from all over the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them.”

The New Zealander is shocked and blurts out, “What? No kissing?!”


What do Kiwis do when they can't fall asleep?
The same as everyone else: they start counting lovers.

An Aussie walks up to a Kiwi and starts asking him questions.
Aussie: “Is that your dog?”
Kiwi: “Yep.”
Aussie: “Mind if I speak to him?”
Kiwi: “Umm, the dog doesn’t talk…”
Aussie: “Hey, dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “It’s going alright.”
Aussie: “How’s he treating you?”
Dog: “Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me three meals a day and takes me to the lake once a week.”
The Aussie smiles at the Kiwi: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
The Kiwi, in disbelief: “There’s no way the horse talks!”
Aussie: “Hey, horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Pretty good.”
Aussie: “How’s he treating you?”
Horse: “He’s treating me just fine, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a big, clean stable where I eat and sleep.”
The Aussie smiles at the Kiwi again: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Kiwi: “That sheep’s a fu*king liar!”

Funniest New Zealand and Kiwi Videos

Here are four videos full of New Zealand and Kiwi humor. We especially recommend the first one, where you may or may not see a Kiwi politician get hit in the face with a d1ldo.

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