As you sit on your porcelain throne, pondering the mysteries of life, give your mind a break and enjoy this raunchy post filled with funny jokes and clever buns about your derriere.
Get ready to let out loud laughs (almost as loud as the farts in some of these jokes), because let’s be honest, butts are always hilarious. So prepare yourself, perhaps by grabbing some toilet paper, and get ready to laugh your glutes off!
And just a heads up, this post is definitely NSFW, unless your boss is a butt inspector by trade, in which case, they’re probably gonna enjoy this too.
A husband notices that his wife’s derriere is getting larger and decides to joke with her about it.
He says, “Honey, your butt is getting so big, it’s almost the same size as my grill!” His wife rolls her eyes, but he persists by measuring her behind against the grill and teases her that they’re about the same size.
Later that night, he tries to initiate intimacy, but his wife rejected him, saying, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this whole massive grill for just one tiny wiener?”
A man visits the doctor seeking treatment for his sore butt. “The entrance of my butt hurts a lot,” the man complains. The doctor responds, “And it’s going to keep hurting if you don’t stop thinking of it as an entrance.”
What’s the reason behind the Buddhist monk removing coins from his butt?
Because, as the timeless proverb goes, “change can only come from within.”
The subject of the day was involuntary muscle spasms, as part of a human anatomy course.
The instructor, hoping to get the students a bit more excited about the subject, points to a woman and asks her “Do you know what your a$$hole does when you’re having an [email protected]?”
“Sure,” she responds, “he’s usually home with our kids”
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and an overweight donkey. He orders a beer, and the bartender tells him it costs $4.52. The man pulls out exactly $4.52 from his pocket. Feeling generous, the man asks the bartender for the total tab of everyone in the bar. The bartender told him it was $2,193.24. Without hesitation, the man pulls out a huge stack of bills and coins from his pocket and hands it over to the bartender who’s amazed that it’s once again the exact amount of money he’d asked for. The bartender asks the man how he managed to immediately pull out the exact amount of money every time.
The man reveals that he’d found a genie in a lamp and wished that whenever he put his hand in his pocket, he would have the exact amount of money he needed. The bartender is amazed by the uniquely convenient and ingenious wish of the man, and asks what his two other wishes were.
The man, letting out a long sigh, replies, “A chick with long legs… and a big a$$.”
If everything a politician says is bullsh*t, what do you call everything the pope says?
Did you ever notice that when you say the word “poop” your lips mimic the movement of your butthole when you’re actually pooping?
This also true for “explosive diarrhea.”
Do you think necrophiliacs like eating a$$?
Butt of corpse…
Me: I once let out a fart so loud that the neighbors called me saying they heard it.
Interviewer: ok… And do you have any weaknesses?
A real estate broker goes to a bar and starts complaining to the bartender. “Man, I’m not making nearly enough money. If I don’t sell more houses this month, I’m gonna lose my fu*king a$$!”
He then looks to his side and notices a beautiful young woman sitting a few stools away. Realizing she must’ve heard him, he apologizes for the profanity.
“It’s alright,” the woman responds, “I’m kind of in the same position you are: If I don’t sell more a$$ this month, I’m gonna lose my fu*king house.”
During a prostate exam, the guy says, “Ow, your ring is kinda hurting me, doc. Can you maybe take it off?”
The doctor responds “I don’t have a ring o- oh, you mean the watch!”
I can tell you from personal experience that carrots are great for memory. My uncle shoved one up my butt when I was 6 and I still vividly remember it to this day.
If a person gets severely burned and needs a skin graft, can I give them skin off my butt?
Ass-skin for a friend.
My girlfriend teased me by exposing only a small part of her behind.
But I really wanted to see the butt [w]hole!
+++ Great butt joke: the anatomy class +++
In their first anatomy class, the medical students gathered around a surgery table with a covered corpse. The professor began by saying that two essential qualities for a doctor were to not be disgusted by anything involving the human body, and to be observant.
To illustrate, the professor pulled back the sheet, inserted his finger into the corpse’s anus, withdrew it, and then put his finger in his mouth and started sucking on it. He then instructed the students to do the same.
Although hesitant, the students eventually took turns inserting a finger into the corpse’s anus and sucking on it just like the professor did. After they finished, the professor told them, “As I’ve mentioned earlier, the second most important quality for a doctor is to be observant. I stuck my middle finger in and sucked on my index finger. NOW, PAY ATTENTION!”
Butt Joke by Chris Rock (Quick Video)
Before we share more jokes, check out this YouTube video “Big ass jokes by Chris Rock”
More Butt Jokes and Memes
Is “buttcheeks” just one word, or am I supposed to spread them apart?
+++ great butt joke: the nuns in heaven +++
Four nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where they are met by St. Peter, who is holding a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter turns to the first nun and asks, “Have you ever committed a sin of the flesh?”
The first nun admits, “Yes, I have. I once saw a man’s pen*s.”
St. Peter tells her to fill her hands with the Holy Water and wash her face and eyes with it to purify them, then she can enter Heaven. The nun does as she’s told and enters Heaven without a problem.
St. Peter then turns to the second nun and asks, “Have you ever committed a sin of the flesh?”
The second nun admits, “Yes, I have. I once touched a man’s pen*s.”
St. Peter tells her to dip her entire hand into the Holy Water and then she can enter Heaven. The second nun does as she’s told and enters Heaven.
Suddenly, the fourth nun pushes ahead of the third nun and says, “Hold on, let me go next. I’m not gurgling with that water after she sits in it!”
What do you call it when a man gets a prison sentence for talking out of his a$$?
A bum rap.
3 butts were crossing the street.
The youngest one has a hard time keeping up with the rest.
When the other butts look back at it, it says, “Sorry, I’m a little behind.”
A man visited a doctor to inquire about pen*s enlargement.
The doctor explained that there is a new procedure available where the trunk of a baby elephant can be grafted onto the pen*s. The man agreed to the procedure and, six weeks later, went on a date with a woman.
While they were sitting in the restaurant, the man’s pen*s reached up from under the table, grabbed a bread roll, and disappeared back under the table. The man was mortified, but the woman was utterly impressed and asked him to do it again.
He replied, “I’d love to, but I don’t think I can fit another bread roll up my butt.”
A man starts choking on his food in a crowded restaurant.
Without delay, another man stands up, rushes over, and pulls the choking man’s pants down. To everyone’s surprise, the man begins to eat the choking man’s butthole. The choking man is so horrified and repulsed that he starts gagging and throwing up the food he was choking on.
Grateful and confused, he asks the other man how he knew that doing that would save him. The other man responds, “Oh, I thought everyone knew about the ‘hind lick maneuver.'”
I can do this really cool party trick where I swallow two pieces of rope and a few hours later I poop them out tied together.
I sh*t you knot.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him he thinks he has a tapeworm.
The doctor replies, “We ran out of the tapeworm medication, but I have another effective solution. Come back tomorrow with a cucumber, a Snickers bar and a ping pong paddle.”
The man follows the instructions, coming back the following day with a cucumber, a Snickers bar and a ping pong paddle. The doctor takes the ping pong paddle and places it on his desk. He then instructs the man to bend over and insert the cucumber into his own butt. After a few minutes, he has him insert the Snickers bar as well.
This process is repeated for several days, with the man bringing back a cucumber and Snickers bar each day, then sticking them up his butt.
After the seventh day of doing this, the doctor instructs the man to only bring a cucumber the next day.
When the man returns the following day, the doctor instructs him to insert the cucumber into his butt as usual.
After a few minutes the man starts to feel a little pain in his stomach. Suddenly, the tapeworm comes out of the man’s butt and yells, “Hey, where’s my Snickers?”
The doctor quickly smacks it dead with the ping pong paddle.
My family found out about my butt fetish, so they sent me to a rehab that specializes in crack addiction.
What’s the difference between a twinkie and a fat booty?
The former is a pound cake, the latter is a cake you pound.
My grandad’s got this hilarious story he always tells everyone about how he once accidentally swallowed a ring and how it took over a decade for it to get out of his body.
I’ve heard it so many times over the years.
It’s an oldie butt goldie.
What’s the biggest booty on the planet?
The bottom of the ocean.
Play on words:
I know most people aren’t cut out to be scarecrows, butt hay, it’s in my jeans.
How do you know that eels are into giving rimj0bs.
Because they’re bottom feeders.
Everyone seems to be into “eating booty like the groceries” nowadays, but I can’t do it cuz I’m on a glute-free diet.
How can I be so sure that my wife of 10 years is still sexually attracted to me, you ask?
Well, every time I’m leaving the room, I can hear her whispering, “What an ass.”
I once asked my friend who’s into geology if he would be honest about liking extremely high and steep hills that have flat summits.
He said, “Of course, I like big buttes and I cannot lie.”
Some say the best part of going to a dominatrix in Berlin is getting German sausages shoved up your butt.
Others argue that it’s actually the wurst part.
When should you slap the bum?
When it’s being too cheeky. So… all the time.
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey, and if your donkey at my rooster, what will you then have?
MY C0CK UP YOUR A$$.
Back in the day, you used to have to pull down a girl’s underwear to see her booty.
Nowadays, you have to lift a girl’s booty to see her underwear.
Not complaining. Just an observation.
Videos worth watching: the most complicated word in English
Kevin Hart teasing Shaquille O’Neal in the audience:
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