Australia’s one of the most beautiful places on earth. Sure, visitors might be bitten by a deadly spider, snake or even eaten by a crocodile, but there’s always a downside to travel! We love the reefs, we love the wildlife and we love that accent that we can hardly understand. More than anything, we love to make fun of Australia and Australians and boy is there plenty of material to laugh about.
Let’s take a trip Down Under and discover the oddities and craziness of this country/continent! If you happen to be in Australia, be sure not to laugh too loudly. Aussies are legendary for their criminal history. They may force feed you Marmite and feed you to some wild animal to never be seen again. Until that happens, let’s have a laugh or two or fifty!
How can you tell the difference between an Aussie and a jar of yoghurt? It doesn’t take yoghurt over 2 centuries to create a culture.
Why did the busy Australian newlyweds meet up at Starbucks? So that they could spend some koala tea time together.
How can you tell if you are attending an Australian Baptism or a funeral? The funeral will have one less intoxicated Australian.
A British man arrives at the Sydney international airport from England. The Australian immigration worker was reviewing his documents and inquired if he had a criminal record. The British man responded “No. Is that still required?”
Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem and not in Australia? Australia lacks 3 wise men and a virgin.
How do Australians like to kiss? They start with a French Kiss then finish up by going Down Under.
While studying in a lower class, did the young, intelligent roo earn when he excelled in physics? A quantum leap.
Why did the Australian judge return home soaking wet from a legal seminar? The seminar was held on The Great Barrister Reef.
What did she sing to the cute Australian IT guy? “Do you come from a LAN down under?”
What’s the funniest fact about Australia? Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import.
Why is Australia so dry? No monarchy can reign there.
Why is Melbourne FC always jealous of Cinderella? Cinderella had no problem going for the ball.
Why is Australia’s construction industry a constant, never-ending joke? It’s always a work in progress.
What happens when an angry, punctual kangaroo fights with a mule? A roo ready to kick some a**.
How do you describe a smart Aussie? Adopted.
What toilet brand do Australians prefer? It doesn’t matter, as long as it reaches down under.
An Australian family was at the airport looking to join up with their tour group headed to Bangkok. Somehow they got mixed in with the wrong group and the tour guide says, “I believe you are not in the correct group. This group is for Ikea fans headed to see where the company was founded.” The father says “No way.” The tour guide responds “Actually it’s Sweden.”
Why was the bear rejected by the Australian zoo? Because he lacked the required koalifications.
Returning to the scene of the crime. Why did the Australian refuse to go to England. He didn’t want to return to the scene of the crime.
Why are bogans envious of Helen Keller? Because her illiteracy put her on the path to fame.
What’s the one way of dying that Australians lack? From growing old.
Why was Novak Djokovic forced to use cash in Australia? Because his visa wasn’t accepted.
Australian legislation is focusing on Transgender rights. Apparently they are finally addressing the various differences they have Down Under.
Those Aussie’s are Unbelievable!
An Australian family was at the airport looking to join up with their tour group headed to Bangkok. Somehow they got mixed in with the wrong group and the tour guide says, “I believe you are not in the correct group. We’re Ikea fans headed to see where the company was founded.” The father says “No way.” The tour guide responds “Actually it’s Sweden.”
What was the Australian man’s reply after hearing a friend’s clever play on words? Now Aussie how you made that pun mate!
What did the Australian priest say when he walked into the patient’s room to administer the last rites? Good die!
What music do kangaroos enjoy listening to? Hip Hop.
I hear that Liam Hemsworth is selling jewels online. The name of the site is Liam Gems-worth!
Why can’t Australians take strange looking birds seriously? Because they’re so emu-sing!
Melissa Caddick loved roller coasters as a kid. When she was 5 years old, she first tried to ride one and they made her stand next to the height checker. The ride worker told her, “Sorry, you can’t ride today. Try next year because as of now, I’m afraid you’re a foot short!”
During the finals of an Australian cooking competition, a chef made a big mistake and used expired eggs for his dessert. He was going against another chef’s Soufflé. In the end the judge said “Yay Soufflé, Boo meringue!”
Because of Queen Elizabeth’s death, new Australian coins will be made. Most don’t mind if they get new bills, but in reference to the coins, many are against the change.
In an effort to be civil, what did Australian enemies say when greeting each other? Go die, mate!
A mature Australian tried to reach me yesterday. I have no idea why no further message was left. All I know is that a boomer rang.
What do you call a famous Australian actress who endlessly gives money to organizations in need? Cate Blan check.
An American and Aussie are using the urinals at the same time. When they finish, the American washes his hands and sees the Aussie head out. Giving him a nasty look, the American says “Disgusting. Americans wash their hands after using the bathroom. In response, the Aussie says “No problem mate. Australians don’t pee on their hands!”
Which Australian natural beverage is most popular? Cran-berra juice.
Why won’t Australians accept a Spider-man from Australia? The bite would have done him in.
What chemical element did the koala know best? Bear-ium.
In Australia, what two words can a board player shout which will immediately end the game and cause him to wipe his mouth? Checkmate
Fun Australia: Deadly Animals
Of course, Australia is well known for its sunshine and deadly animals sneaking up everywhere. Here are a few terrifying examples:
And finally you might never know what you could find in your toilet (play this short video!).
But don’t worry too much: the last human death in Australia due to a spider bite dates back to 1979.
Contagious Laughter in Australia
Here is what happens when an Australian tries to save a wild Kangaroo: when a younger kangaroo arrived in his garden, an Australian man dressed up in a Kangaroo costume for fun. His friends did NOT expect what would happen next. Watch this short video (warning about the contagious laughter!):