Little Johnny is a young boy who naively asks questions and tells stories that sometimes end up being very embarrassing to adult listeners, often his parents or school teachers. Little Johnny jokes can be very funny because they put these very adults in potentially very embarrassing situations!
Best Family-Friendly Little Johnny Jokes
3+3+3 Addition Joke:
The math teacher asks Little Johnny: “If I give you 3 cats, and then another 3 cats, and then again another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”
Little Johnny responds: “ten.”
Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats, and another 3 cats and then another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”
Little Johnny responds again: “Well… ten.”
The teacher, becoming slightly frustrated, tries a different way: “let’s try another example. If I gave you 3 oranges, then another 3 oranges, and then again another 3 oranges, how many oranges would you have? Little Johnny: “Well, 9.”
Teacher, happier, responds: “That’s correct. Now if I gave you 3 cats, and another 3 cats and another 3, how many cats would you have?” Johnny: “Ten!” Teacher: “Little Johnny, how did you even calculate 10?” Little Johnny: “Because I already have a cat at home!”
Teacher asked, “How far have you gotten with your homework, Johnny?”
Little Johnny replied, “About 8 kilometers, ma’am. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”
Teacher said, “Johnny, your essay on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your sister’s! Did you just copy hers?”
Johnny replied, “No, ma’am, but it’s the same dog!”
Teacher says, “Johnny, I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting, and you’ve only done it 7 times.”
Little Johnny replies, “Well, ma’am, I guess my counting isn’t too good, either!”
The teacher asks Little Johnny to start a sentence with “i” in it.
Johnny responds: I is…
But the teacher interrupts: no, when you say ‘i’, it should be followed by ‘am’ (I am, not I is).
Johnny concludes: ok… I am the alphabet’s 9th letter.
Little Johnny is sitting in church, getting bored and restless as the preacher’s sermon drags on and on. Finally, Johnny leans over to his dad and whispers, “Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
A new teacher is trying to make use of her psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher says, “Johnny, do you think you’re stupid?”
“No, ma’am,” Johnny answers, “but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
Teacher asks, “Tell me, Little Johnny, do you say your prayers every night before dinner?”
Johnny replies, “No ma’am. My mother is a really good cook.”
Little Johnny goes to the store and tries to buy a toy car with play money.
The cashier looks it over, shakes his head, and says, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake money.”
Johnny replies, “Well, the car’s not real, either.”
Little Johnny’s teacher is walking through the cafeteria at lunchtime when she sees Johnny making faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Johnny and says “Johnny, when I was a young girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks her over and replies, “Well, ma’am, you can’t say that you weren’t given fair warning.”
This week in Little Johnny’s English class, the students learned about punctuation.
When they got to periods, Johnny asked, “Why are periods so important?”
The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know.
Johnny replied, “When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.”
Little Johnny returns from the market with his mother. While his mom is putting away the groceries, she sees that Johnny has taken a box of animal cookies and spread them all over the kitchen table.
His mother asks “What are you doing, Johnny?”
Johnny looks up and replies, “The box says that you shouldn’t eat them if the seal is broken, so I’m looking for the broken seal.”
Teacher asks Little Johnny to name two pronouns.
Little Johnny looks puzzled and replies, “Who? Me?”
Little Johnny gets caught digging a hole in his backyard.
Puzzled, the neighbor asks Johnny what the hole is for.
Johnny replies, “It’s to bury my goldfish.”
Seeing the large size of the hole, the neighbor is confused. “Why is the hole so big, Johnny?” the neighbor asks.
Johnny replies, “It has to be! My goldfish is inside of your cat.”
Teacher says, “I’m glad to see your writing has improved.”
Little Johnny grins and replies, “Thank you!”
Frowning, teacher adds, “However, now I can see how bad your spelling is!”
Little Johnny is at a horse auction with his father. He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Johnny looks worried. Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
When Little Johnny discovers what static electricity can do, he goes around shocking each of the other kids in his class.
And then his mom grounds him.
Little Johnny is back at school after a holiday break. After a few days his teacher calls up Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.
His dad says to the teacher “Wait a minute! That’s not fair. I had Johnny at home with me for two months and I never once called you about his bad behavior.”
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
The teacher is shocked. “Of course not, Johnny! That would be very unfair!”
Johnny is relieved. “That’s good to know,” he says, “because I haven’t done my homework.”
When students are asked what they would do if they hit the lottery, Little Johnny doesn’t say anything.
“Johnny,” asks the teacher, “don’t you have an answer for the question?”
“No, ma’am,” Johnny replies. “If I won the lottery, I’d have my secretary answer questions.”
Little Johnny is being questioned by the teacher during a math lesson.
“If you had ten dollars,” asks the teacher, “and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?”
“Ten,” answers Little Johnny.
“Ten?” the teacher asks. “How do you get ten?”
Johnny replies, “That’s because you may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to get it!”
Teacher asks, “What are you going to be when you get out of school?”
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, “An old man!”
Little Johnny wonders why his dad is bald. So he asks his mom. “Mommy, why is dad bald?”. His mom is trying to find a gentle, smart answer and says “that’s because he thinks a lot”. After hearing that, Little Johnny pauses for a second. He then asks “So, mommy, why do you still have all your hair?”.
A “colon” can make a huge difference in a sentence.
For example: Little Johnny ate his own lunch after school. Or…
Little Johnny ate his own colon after school.
Naughtier Little Johnny Jokes
Teacher: “So, what does the chicken give you”
Ron: “A chicken gives you eggs”
Teacher: “Excellent. What does the pig give you?”
Jenny: “The pig gives us ham and pork chops”
Teacher: “Yes! What does a cow give you?”
Little Johnny: “Homework for tomorrow”
Little Johnny did not go to school one day, much to his teacher’s surprise. The teacher, who lives close to Little Johnny’s house, decides to stop by. But Little Johnny’s grandpa is the only grown-up at home. When the grandpa sees the teacher, he says “Little Johnny, your teacher is here, go hide and I will see you are not here”. Little Johnny responds “No, you go hide, I told him last week that I went to your funeral!”.
Little Johnny was walking up a hill trying to pull a red wagon and swearing “F**k this. I’m tired of this s**t. The priest overheard him and walks up to him to say “You shouldn’t use bad words, Little Johnny because God is all around us and he can hear you.” “Is he in the sky?” asks Little Johnny.
“Yes” says the priest.
“Is he in that bush over there?”
“Yes” says the priest.
“Is he in my wagon?” asked Little Johnny.
“Yes” says the priest.
“Well can you ask him to get the f**k out and help me push!”
Little Johnny’s teacher asked students if they could name things that can be sucked:
“A lollipop!” answered one student.
“An ice cream cone!” said another.
“That’s right. How about you, Little Johnny?”, the teacher asked.
Little Johnny thought about the question for a second, and responded “A lamp.”
The teacher was confused: “Johnny, why a lamp?”
Little Johnny then responds “Well, last night I overheard my mom tell my dad “turn off the lamp honey and let me suck it.”
***
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel because it’s bigger. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor pulls him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel?”
Johnny grins and replies, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far, I’ve made twenty bucks!”
And, Last But Not Least, The Best “Naughty” Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny goes to visit his aunt’s house on the way back from school. He ends up seeing his dad and his aunt passionately kissing and taking their clothes off. So Little Johnny decides to go home to share the story with his mom. Little Johnny starts telling the story “I went to Aunt Karen’s house and saw daddy giving a big kiss to Aunt Karen then taking her shirt off, and then taking her pants off. Then aunt Karen…”
Shocked and angry, his mom interrupts him and says “Little Johnny, this is such a great story. I don’t want your dad to miss it. Can you tell your story again at dinner tonight? I want to see your dad’s face when he hears it.”
Later that day, the family is having dinner, and the mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Little Johnny is eager to share the story again and says: “Well, I went to Aunt Karen’s house, and I saw daddy giving aunt Karen a big kiss, and then he took off her shirt”.
Johnny paused and continued the story “And then aunt Karen helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Karen did that same thing that mom and uncle Joe used to do when daddy was away on his business trips!”.
